- And when I found out that Daniel Craig
no longer wanted to be James Bond,
I was heartbroken,
until I heard that at the top of the list,
the potential replacement was a man by the name,
Idris Elba.
(audience cheering)
(audience clapping)
And I lost my mind.
I lost my, you can hear the ladies,
I mean are like, yeah.
You know, yeah,
and that's what James Bond needs.
A ladies man and a man's man
and Idris has that.
You know, he's strong,
he's charming, you know he's got that quiet thing.
Oh yeah you know Idris Elba,
oh yeah.
(audience laughing)
Oh Idris Elba, you know, oh yeah.
You could just see him playing the dapper spy,
and as soon as it was announced,
everyone is excited.
Everyone was excited until the comments section
of the internet came in.
(audience laughing)
Idris Elba James Bond.
And the comments section was like,
oh actually.
(audience laughing)
Idris Elba could not play James Bond.
And we were like, why?
They're like, because.
(humming) (audience laughing)
Cause of the, cause of the shape of his head?
What are you saying, what are you saying?
No, because.
(audience laughing)
Because what?
Because he's black!
James Bond cannot be played by a black man,
and as soon as they said that the internet exploded.
(imitates explosions)
Racism!
And immediately that happened.
I jumped in.
I don't even know what it's about half of the time,
I just jump in,
just say racism them and I rep my side.
I'm just like, racism, racism!
(yelling)
You guys will explain it later.
Racism!
And I was in there and I was like,
what the hell is going on?
And they were like James Bond cannot be played
by Idris Elba because Idris Elba is a black man
and James Bond is white.
I was like, well actually James Bond is a fictional
character and so he can be played by anyone
because it is fiction.
And they were like, well when you think about it,
James Bond was based on a real man who was white
and so he should be played by a real white man.
And I was like, well that just doesn't make sense
cause if you think about it,
Jesus was technically a black man
but he gets played by a white man.
(audience cheering)
So I don't know what your point is,
cause that's never stopped me from receiving
my blessings, I don't know what you're going on about.
And they were like, you can't have it.
I was like, racism.
You can't have it, racism,
you can't have it, racism!
(audience laughing)
And then I went to Scotland.
(audience laughing)
I realized that maybe, just maybe,
I hadn't given the argument enough thought.
Because I love Idris Elba, I want him to play Bond.
But if you think about, James Bond often operates
in places like Scotland and the UK and Europe.
(audience laughing)
Because that's where most supervillians choose
to reside.
(audience laughing)
I'm assuming it's for tax purposes.
(audience laughing)
No matter how you feel about the issue,
you have to admit,
it would be particularly difficult.
(audience laughing)
To be a spy.
(audience clapping) (audience laughing)
When you are the only
black person in town.
Your very existence defies your purpose.
(audience laughing)
I'm not saying it's impossible,
I'm just saying that would be the toughest James Bond
movie that was ever made.
(audience laughing)
Can you imagine that scene?
Idris Elba James Bond, planting the C4,
blowing up the bad guys lair, jumping on a bike,
riding into the town square in Edinburgh.
(imitates engine revving)
The bad guys right behind him.
(imitates engine revving)
They pull out their guns and start shooting.
(imitates gunfire spraying)
The chase is on.
(singing James Bond theme song)
(audience laughing)
Idris Elba James Bond jumps off the bike,
runs into a crowded town square,
the bad guys are right behind him.
He manages to shake them off.
Hops into a little alley,
gets out on the other side,
finds a crowded little marketplace,
puts a scarf around his head,
a fake beard, blends in with a group of monks walking by.
The bad guys turn the corner.
There he is!
(audience laughing)
(singing James Bond theme song)
James Bond manages to shake them off,
gets into another group (mumbles),
pops out on the other side,
finds a transportation hub,
gets onto a bus,
the bus goes one way,
gets into a tram,
the tram goes the other way.
The bad guys turn the corner.
There he is!
(audience laughing)
(singing James Bond theme song)
The movie will be 10 minutes long.
(audience laughing)
It would end with James Bond panting in an alley.
(breathing heavily)
(audience laughing)
How did you find me?
(breathing heavily)
(hip synth music)