Let's get straight into the big news over the weekend.
Yeah, I finally learned how to dunk. Boom!
Turns out you just need to make the net a little closer
to the ground.
I don't know why I didn't think of that.
Oh, also this happens.
CNN projects Joseph R. Biden, Jr. is elected
the 46th president of the United States.
NEWSWOMAN: There was jubilance
as people flooded the streets today
celebrating from the White House to the West coast.
NEWSWOMAN 2: Celebrations in the streets in New York City,
the Tri-State and across the world.
NEWSWOMAN 3: On the streets of the largest cities,
today a party.
(singing)
In President Trump's hometown New York City...
(honking)
...Biden supporters shouted out their windows.
NEWSMAN: There were bands and champagne.
-(whooping) -Costumes and tears.
♪ Everybody dance now... ♪
An impromptu dance party broke out.
-♪ Yeah, (bleep) Donald Trump ♪ -♪ (bleep) Donald Trump! ♪
NEWSMAN 2: You had "Sweet Caroline" singalongs
and "Nah, Nah, Nah, Goodbye" singalongs.
Oh, yeah! What a day, what a day, what a day, now.
People were out in the streets dancing, they were partying.
People were singing "Sweet Caroline," which was genius,
because any celebration that's singing "Sweet Caroline"
isn't gonna get broken up by the cops.
For real, though, people, this was an amazing weekend.
It was such a festive atmosphere.
This Saturday was amazing. Everyone was so happy.
Even coronavirus was like, "Man, you guys have fun.
"I'm taking the day off.
"Nah, I'm kidding. I'm joining in.
Num, num, num, num, num."
But, yes, that's right, people.
This weekend, Joseph Rihanna Biden was declared
the 46th president of the United States.
And I know it was tough waiting four days
to get the final results, but it's actually cool
that it happened on a Saturday morning, right?
Because, think about it. Normally, it happens
on more like a Tuesday, Wednesday.
You just got to be at home.
But now people could soak it in.
They heard the news while they were out with their families,
or going out for a walk or getting coffee.
I mean, one guy even found out on the golf course.
NEWSWOMAN: President Trump was not at the White House
when he learned he'd lost it.
He was golfing in Virginia,
driven home past his critics, cheering.
(cheers, applause, whistling)
(booing, shouting)
Ooh! No matter what you think about Trump,
I think we can all agree that that is a terrible way
to find out that you're fired.
I mean, it's bad enough for your boss to tell you
to clean out your desk, but can you imagine
if on the way to your desk,
the entire office was lining the hallways to boo you?
Yeah, get out of here, Jeffrey!
Accounting is better without you, you bitch!
And you know, I think the worst part for Trump
was having to see Melania in that crowd.
"Boo! You suck!
Go away forever! Don't come back!"
This is also really tough for the Secret Service guys.
Because they're trained to guard the president
physically, but not emotionally.
I mean, so they can't help him at all.
I can protect you from a bullet, Mr. President,
but only you can protect your feelings.
Oh, also, uh, who's surprised
that he learned that he lost while he was golfing?
Donald Trump is always golfing.
That was the most likely option.
If they said President Trump learned this
while he was volunteering at an orphanage,
then I'd be shocked.
What does blow my mind is
that Trump could keep playing golf after he got this news.
You know, I actually wonder
if his golf partner found out first,
and then used it against him just as he was taking his swing.
"Biden won!" Wha?
You know, a part of me actually wishes
that Trump didn't hear about the election until he got home,
because then he would have been driving past that crowd going,
"Look, that wasn't my best game of golf,
but you guys don't need to boo."
But for once, the big political news was not about Donald Trump.
So as he disappeared into the White House bunker,
it was time for the people who were kicking him out
to come forward and take their bows.
I'll work as hard
for those who didn't vote for me as those who did.
Let this grim era of demonization
in America begin to end here and now.
(cheers, applause, horns honking)
Wow.
I don't know about you guys, but after four years
of having to listen to Trump,
a normal presidential speech was... was almost weird.
I was listening to the speech, like, "Wait.
So we're not blaming anything on Hillary? Nothing?"
And let's be honest. At this point,
I bet even Trump's people want Biden to lower the temperature,
I mean, mainly
because half of them are running a fever from COVID.
Still, though, I'm sure that they were happy
to hear Biden say, "Let the grim demonization begin to end."
Although I do like how Biden didn't say "Let's end it."
He said, "Let's begin to end it," you know?
Like, it will be too dangerous
to just stop demonizing all at once.
We've got to stop being mean to each other
in this country next week, but for now, what the (bleep)
is going on with Mitch McConnell's hand?
Did you see that shit? Looks like he's got baloney fingers.
But the truth is, Biden was calling for healing,
and he was promising to work just as hard for the people
who didn't vote for him as the people who did.
And after these last few years, man,
I-I think that's a nice sentiment.
Although the truth is the country's so divided,
I don't know how that would work in real life, you know?
Is Biden really gonna try and cater to both?
Because everyone is so far apart.
I'm gonna listen to Dr. Fauci,
and then, of course, I will behead him.
And to reach across the aisle,
I will find my son Hunter and lock him up.
Am I a good president or what?
The point is, people, it's genuinely gonna take some time
getting used to speeches that sound like speeches.
But otherwise, for Biden and Harris,
it was a flawlessly choreographed evening.
Well, except for one moment-- when a confetti cannon went off,
and, based on the candidates' reactions,
it doesn't look like they were expecting it.
♪ Oh, I'll stand my ground ♪
(loud pop)
♪ Won't be turned around... ♪
Geez. That was terrifying.
I don't know about you, but when I saw that,
the Black part of me in the movie theater came out,
I was like, "Get out of there, Joe!
They're trying to take you out! Kamala, get down!"
This is actually something I think we need to address
as a planet, people-- we have to stop celebrating
with things that sound like gunfire.
Fireworks. Confetti cannons.
Popping champagne corks. All of it.
Half the time I'm like, "Oh, did something good happen,
or is shit going down?"
I don't need to be startled like this anymore, people.
And neither does Joe Biden.
Why are you blowing up things next to Joe Biden?
At this point, Joe Biden's campaign
should be wrapping him in bubble wrap
and storing him in the attic until Inauguration Day.