-I gotta tell you, with everything I've got
going on right now -- I'm talking
shooting multiple episodes every day,
keeping up with my YouTube channel,
and running my own production company,
I am so glad I don't have kids.
Straight up. [ Laughter ]
Don't get me wrong. I want to have kids someday.
I mean, I can't keep trick-or-treating by myself.
[ Laughter ] Okay?
But when I do have kids, I'm for sure going to adopt.
That's my thing. I want to adopt.
[ Applause ]
Whenever I tell people I want to adopt, they kind of freak out.
They're always like, "You don't want to have your own kids?
You don't want to leave a legacy?
You don't want to give us grandchildren?"
Okay, that last one's my parents.
[ Laughter ]
It's something I don't think we talk about enough.
Like, every time I see a sign for pet adoption
outside of a PetSmart, I think,
"why don't we have more of these for kids?"
[ Laughter ]
I bet a bunch of parents would be willing to give away
a kid or two outside of Baskin-Robbins.
Come on. [ Laughter ]
It'd be so nice to see the same passion about adopting dogs
applied to adopting children.
I mean, it's true. All right?
[ Cheers and applause ]
I mean, people in L.A. are hell-bent on adopting dogs.
If you tell people you bought your dog,
they will literally make you move to Florida.
[ Laughter ]
Listen, if you did buy your dog,
you're better off just telling people you stole it.
Straight up. [ Laughter ]
And I think it's because with pets, we say things like,
"Oh, this is my rescue dog. I rescued him."
[ Laughter ]
Well, if you want, let's call her a rescue kid.
You'll feel like a hero.
[ Laughter and applause ]
One of the biggest reasons I want to adopt
is because there's so many kids in the world that need parents.
I mean, some kids in this world already have parents,
but they definitely need different parents.
[ Laughter ] Okay?
All I'm saying is, it's not too late
for someone to adopt Lindsay Lohan. Okay?
[ Laughter and applause ]
Okay. But maybe people don't view it as a viable option
because the process is really hard.
Adoption should be easier.
I mean, when you want to adopt,
there's all kinds of paperwork that you gotta fill out.
Why do we even need paperwork?
We should be using the same technology
we use for dating apps. [ Laughter ]
This way, we can just swipe right
on the kid you want to take home.
[ Laughter ]
The only downside is, the kid might not look
anything like his profile pic. [ Laughter ]
We need to remove the barriers. Okay?
Like, I get that home visits provide oversight
to make sure the child is going to be in a stable environment,
but y'all let Mariah Carey have babies with Nick Cannon.
[ Laughter ]
Which is ironic, because originally,
I thought she adopted him.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Now, I'm not saying that people struggling with infertility
have to adopt and other people don't have to adopt.
I mean, there are plenty of fertile people out there
who should not be having kids. Okay?
Like anti-vaxxers... [ Laughter ]
...flat-Earthers...
And the people who brought you Fyre Fest.
[ Laughter ]
Straight up. [ Applause ]
And, sure, you know, for a lot of people,
the concern with adoption is,
you don't know what the kid is gonna turn out like.
Well, here are some celebrities that were adopted.
Steve Jobs, created the iPhone, yeah.
Jamie Foxx, Oscar winner.
Bill Clinton, upgraded the Oval Office
into the oral office. [ Laughter ]
I'm just saying, you've done none of those things
and you probably never will.
[ Laughter ] Okay?
The truth is, you don't know how your kids are going to turn out.
Take a beat and think about it.
You don't listen, you drink too much, you wear Crocs,
and your favorite Batman is Ben Affleck, okay?
Do we really need another you running around here?
No. The answer's no.
[ Laughter ]
Now, a lot of families want a newborn baby.
And sometimes, there's not enough to go around,
so they have to wait.
It's the same as getting waitlisted for a Tesla.
Cars and babies both have the ability
to go from zero to a 100,
they both require regular maintenance,
and they're both at risk of having a blowout.
[ Laughter ]
I think adoption is so important.
It's a great alternative for people who may be struggling
to have their own kid.
Now I understand the process may be expensive and time-consuming
but so are other alternatives,
such as finding a donor or infertility treatment.
By the way, fertilizing your eggs
is not as easy as sprinkling Miracle-Gro on your vajayjay.
Okay? [ Laughter ]
That being said, my bush is coming in really plush.
[ Laughter and applause ]