Oh, hello my little darling.
Man... [bleep] You. You. Suck my... [bleep]
This house ain't... [bleep]
Mrs. Whittaker.
I have been babysitting for 20 years.
I've seen it all.
The thing is, Forest is a unique child.
Everything is going to be fine.
I want you to have a good time tonight, you deserve it.
Okay. Good luck.
Thank you.
Goo-ga-ga.
Hey there, Forest.
Goo-goo-ga-ga. I want milk.
You want me to get you your bottle, buddy?
I want milk.
Okay.
This is a baba.
I want mama's milk. Why can't I have mama's milk?
It's a simple request.
Yeah, well, you can't have mama's milk
right now, buddy. How about we play?
Okay. I want to play with my Legos.
Okay, yeah.
Buddy, let's get your Legos then.
I want to put the smallest Lego in my mouth,
that's what I'm going to do.
No, you can't do that.
Why?
First you tell me I can't have mama's milk,
now you can't have the smallest Lego in my mouth?
What a night. This is a bad start.
Forest, it's dangerous.
Let me get this straight,
you're in charge of me in my house?
All right, Forest, it's time for bed.
I guess then you're gonna sing me a song.
What?
Mama always sings me a song
before I go to sleep. Are you going to do that for me?
Okay, okay, yeah, yes. I will.
Hush little baby don't say a word.
Keep singing.
Mama's going to buy you a mocking bird.
Put my name in there.
I like it personal.
Hush baby Forest Whittaker,
don't say a word.
Goo-goo-ga-ga.
Mama's going to buy you a mocking bird.
Good babysitter.
And if that mockingbird don't sing.
Have a good cry.
Mama's going to buy you a diamond ring.
Hey babe.
Hi.
I made a really big decision without consulting you.
I went by a puppy rescue stand on University Avenue.
I had to, I had to.
You got us a dog?
Yeah I did.
Oh, my God.
So, honey, I've got to tell you something, okay?
These rescue dogs have had some tough situations.
A lot of them take on the personality of their owners.
This dog was owned by rapper Ice-T.
All right little buddy, come on out.
Hello my little darling.
Man... [bleep] You. You. Suck my... [bleep]
This house ain't... [bleep]
Okay buddy, take it easy.
A little testy.
Nothing ever been easy for me in my life.
Now hook me up with a treat.
You want a treat, buddy?
You want a treat?
Is that what you want?
Here you go. Here you go.
Yeah, that's a tasty ass treat right there.
Now give me the whole bag.
Okay, one treat is enough.
Bitch, was I talking to you?
Give me the whole bag of treats because I'm a treat killer
and a mother... [bleep] Handful.
Somebody's grumpy today.
Grumpy wumpy.
I'll lay my ass
right up on this comfortable ass sofa.
I'm going to sleep on this bitch too as a matter of fact.
You know what mother...
And bitch, I'm going to piss... [ bleep] here too.
No, oh, no.
[bleep] ... You man. Raise your hand at me.
Okay. I've got something for you little guy.
Huh? Huh? You want to play fetch?
You want to play fetch? You like fetch?
Get that ball.
[bleep] ... You.
Both y'all condescending mother... [bleep]
I ain't your entertainment, bitch.
So [bleep] ...you.
Get the door.
Well, hello. Who is this?
Come on, Cocoa.
Don't worry about these mother... [bleep]
That's my bitch, Cocoa.
Oh, I forgot to tell y'all? She gonna be living here, too.
Wow. Okay. You got your little friend here.
Yeah.
Well you can...
she can play here for a while. Sure.
Puppy play date. Yeah.
Play date? We going to have a [bleep] ...date.
That's what we're going to have, Bitch.
Come here, Bitch. Yeah, that's right.
Oh, okay. He's doing that.
Are you?
Oh, no. Don't do that.
Oh.
Yeah, that's my shit too.
Oh. Oh, dear.
Get the fuck out of here.
It's about to get graphic in this bitch.
Oh, boy.
How come you don't do that with me?
I told you. He does it.
I just want to keep this area clean.
Ladies and gentlemen, Darius Rucker.
Singing.
Hootie. Hootie. Hootie. Hootie.
Singing.
Hootie.
Hootie. Hootie. Hootie. Hootie. Hootie. Hootie.
Nah. Nah.
Hootie. Hootie.
Nah, nah, nah.
I'm not in Hootie and the Blowfish any more, y'all.
Doing my own thing.
What do you mean in Hootie
because you are Hootie, man. Come on everybody.
Hootie. Hootie. Hootie. Hootie. Hootie. Hootie.
Nah. Nah. Nah. All right, now. Nah.
Nah. Stop it. Stop it.
I'm not Hootie. I'm Darius Rucker. All right?
I used to be the front man for a band called Hootie
and the Blowfish. All right?
But I was never Hootie. There was never a Hootie.
If I may.
If I may ask, where are the Blowfish at?
Right guys? Come on everybody. Blowfish.
Blowfish. Blowfish. Blowfish. Blowfish. Blowfish.
No, no, no.
There are no people known as the Blowfish, y'all.
Okay? The whole band was just called Hootie and the Blowfish.
That's it. It was a nonsense name.
Like Hoobastank or Toad the Wet Sprocket.
Oh.
Ohhhhh.
Singing.
Oh, oh, and what? What is it?
I see. I get it now. I understand.
Hey, we gotta pick y'all.
We gotta choose between Hootie or The Blowfish.
So who wants to see the Blowfish?
Yay.
There's no Blowfish.
And who wants to see Hootie?
Mm-hmm (negative)
Hey. That hurts my feelings, y'all.
But you said you weren't Hootie.
No. I'm not, sir.
But in the question you just asked the audience,
I was clearly Hootie.
So you are Hootie?
I'm not, though. Speaker 11: He is Hootie.
Yay. Hootie. Hootie. Hootie. Hootie. Hootie.
Hootie. Hootie. Hootie. Hootie. Hootie. Hootie. Hootie. Hootie.
Hootie. Hootie. Hootie. Hootie. Hootie. Hootie. Hootie.
Nobody likes you, you girl.
Well, you're a different color than me
and that's bad.
Oh, yeah. Well you dress like a-
Now, hold on a second.
Whoa. Mr. T.
Never make fun of a way a man dresses.
Way a man dresses is his business. Remember that.
Whether it's overalls, chains or feather earrings,
however they dress is not to be joked about.
I pity the fool that judges another man's clothing.
I'm sorry I judged your clothing.
It's okay.
Hey, Scout.
There's a man over there who said he'll give us candy
if we get in his van.
I don't know if that's a good idea, Timmy.
What are you afraid of?
Is it because you have a stupid name like Scout?
Hey.
Whoa, Mr. T. Again.
Never make fun of a person's name.
Your mama gave you that name or you made it up
for business purposes. Either way, it's personal.
I pity the fool that makes fun of another man's name.
Mr. T.'s a cool name. It's a cool name, Mr. T.
Hey, Scout. Want to do some drugs?
Scout: Aren't drugs bad?
I don't know.
If you're afraid of drugs, we can drink a bunch of alcohol.
Yeah. That sounds good.
Well, guess what? Your hair is stupid.
Never make fun of another person's hair.
Hey, Mr. T.
A person's hair is the artwork
that they present to the heavens.
It's just like I've been saying.
Hair. It isn't fair.
Beware. People care about their hair.
H is for the home where I lay my head
and I cry about your mean jokes in my bed.
A is for anxiety that fools provoke
when they lookin' at my hair and they making jokes.
I is for I don't like the way I feel
when you're joking that my haircut does not appeal.
R is for the real mean jokes you make
and the hurtful little pot shots that you take.
And for your information,
it's not even a haircut.
It's a rare form of male-pattern baldness.
You fools.
For real.