Transcriber: Grace Shin Reviewer: Zsófia Herczeg
Tell me if any of these headlines sound familiar.
"One hundred ways to change your life in 10 minutes or less."
Or how about,
"The one thing every successful person does in the morning"?
And last but not least,
"To live remarkably,
repeat this affirmation every day for the rest of your life."
As over-the-top as these articles are,
sadly, I didn't even have to make them up.
But you probably knew that
because today there's no shortage of experts or gurus
telling you to "think positively,"
"eliminate negativity,"
"just believe in yourself."
Unfortunately, this type of thinking doesn't work.
To borrow a phrase from the entrepreneur Derek Sivers:
"If all of those happiness hacks really were the answer,
then we'd all be billionaires with amazing abs."
(Laughter)
The truth is, and what I'm here to talk to you about today
is that although we're told to ignore, suppress and push back our self-doubt,
not only is that impossible,
it often backfires.
If you're anything like me,
you probably find that trying to be positive all the time
ends up making you feel worse instead of better.
I can't even count how many times that's happened
while I was trying to put together this talk.
When I would see something, like an article titled
"15 TED Talks that will change your life"
or read quotes from prominent speakers,
instead of feeling inspired,
it triggered my self-doubt.
Who am I to think that I deserve to be up here on this stage?
What if I don't measure up?
And I'd go right down that spiral of compare and despair.
And don't get me wrong.
I was grateful and excited.
But I was also scared.
It's funny how our inner critic seems to sneak up on us like that
in many areas of our life
both big and small.
Can you relate?
Yeah?
I see a lot of hands out there.
Have you ever wanted to make a big change in your life -
one affecting your health, your relationships or your career -
but self-doubt held you back
or stopped you from starting altogether?
That little voice creeps in, doesn't it?
The one that, like mine, says,
"You're not motivated enough.
You're not smart enough.
You're not good enough."
And perhaps you've reacted like I did.
Instead of listening to those feelings,
you follow the common advice to crush them
or fake it till you make it
and simply try to pretend like they're not there.
After all, that's what all of the self-help gurus tell us to do,
right?
"Banish your fear."
"Defeat self-doubt."
In my experience working with and studying high achievers,
I found that this battle with the inner critic
is a dirty, not so little, in fact, enormous secret
successful people share.
We find out the hard way that fighting fear doesn't work.
It just pulls us down like quicksand.
The more we resist, the faster we sink.
But despite what Pollyanna positive thinking suggests,
so-called "negative emotions," like fear and self-doubt are important.
They evolved to help keep us safe and to help us tackle difficult problems,
so ignoring them is a mistake.
I'm here to, hopefully, change your mind and help you realize
that listening to your inner critic, when done right, can be a useful tool.
So, what if we could rethink our relationship with self-doubt?
What if we could hear the voice of our inner critic
as instructive rather than destructive?
I suggest that ending the war within is how we become unstoppable
and a whole lot happier, as a result.
So how exactly do we do that?
It's with a strategy called "naming it and reframing it."
It's a cute little phrase, so I'll say it again:
"naming it and reframing it."
And to show you how it works, here's an example.
When I got the invitation to speak here,
it triggered my inner critic's favorite tale,
the one I like to call my "I can't do it" story.
And it comes up like clockwork anytime I'm under pressure,
and it always questions if I have what it takes to succeed.
But when I call my stories out and name them,
it helps me realize that my inner critic is really a thought pattern.
It's a habit, not an evil force out to get me.
So when my critical voice does chime in,
I simply label it and say,
"Aha, there's my 'I can't do it' story again."
That way, I stop the downward spiral
and can respond in a healthy, productive way,
using the second part of the strategy, "reframing it."
So when my inner critic asks, "What if you fail?"
instead of trying to fight it off with positivity,
I embrace it.
I answer the question posed by my self-doubt honestly,
at face-value and with no malice.
Psychologists call this type of reframing "mental rehearsal,"
and it's actually really simple.
You come up with a plan
so that if a problem arises, you can spring into action.
By doing this, my fear is no longer a danger to me.
Now I can make progress and tackle my concerns
instead of getting stuck.
So, yeah, what if I fail?
What is the worst that could happen?
If I toppled over right here on stage, how would I respond?
What would I do next?
Well, I would probably pick myself up off the ground, dust myself off
and tell you that there's a reason
I've been called "Klutzy Mel" since sixth grade,
which, fun fact, is absolutely true.
You can use this "name it and reframe it" strategy
for moments as major as changing your career
or as run-of-the-mill as meeting new people,
like at a TEDx event.
If you're nervous about meeting new people today,
whether you're worrying about saying the right things
or being able to hold a conversation,
name that story.
Maybe it's the "I'm too shy"
or the "nobody cares about me" story.
Once you have a name for it,
the next time your inner critic starts telling you that story, reframe it.
If it is the "I'm too shy" story,
forget the "fake it till you make it" approach,
and quit trying to be a talkative, savvy networker.
Instead, reframe it
by focusing on your strengths of being good listener
and building relationships today
by asking awesome, interesting questions instead.
Today, we face more complicated problems than ever before.
In our lives,
in our communities
and on an increasingly global scale.
We need all hands on deck.
We need you.
But you can't do great things if you're too busy running in circles,
battling the negative voices in your head.
So the next time somebody tells you to just be positive,
remember your inner critic is there to protect you.
When you hear its voice, listen to it.
Quit making it your enemy.
Use the "name it and reframe it" strategy instead.
When you do that,
you put your inner critic to work for you,
and with it as your ally,
you become unstoppable.
Thank you.
(Applause)