(dramatic music)
- Hey, you, welcome to Some News.
I am a news person.
An Oregon man has been accused
of sexually assaulting a chicken this week,
right after being accused of sexually a-peppering it.
Oh, really?
That's the first one?
- That's all we had.
- Right off the bat?
Okay.
After a slew of PR oopsy-goofs like
dragging a doctor off a purchased flight
until his face bled from his face
and other hits like It's Raining a Scorpion,
United Airlines has been upstaged by other airlines
because airlines are bad.
So, let's check in with our random
airline customer service nightmare headline generator.
Mm, there it goes.
Delta boots family from flight
after father tried to use purchased seat for infant son.
And that seems made up. No?
Exaggerated, though.
No?
God, when the Delta employee
says the man and his wife are gonna go to jail
and their kids will go into foster care,
the Delta employee says in the video
that it's a federal offense
for a child under two to sit in a safety seat
in an empty seat, and, according to the Delta website,
for kids under the age of two,
they recommend you purchase a seat on the aircraft
and use an approved child safety seat.
So...
Okay.
Next.
Diabetic woman bound and forced
off Atlantic Airlines plane and left on island.
That sounds made up.
Oh it is, good.
Let's do the real one.
British Airways accused of tying up passenger with diabetes,
abandoning them on a tiny Portuguese island.
That's better?
Okay, yeah, so, in the article
it describes how they made him defecate in his seat
and, when a woman tried to defend him,
they kicked her off too.
But, on the bright side, something, somewhere, maybe.
Abolish humans.
Or capitalism, I don't know.
Abolish something.
Speaking of abolishment,
earlier this week the President of the United States
claimed that the Civil War was easily avoidable
and then questioned why it even happened.
Quote, people don't ask that question.
But why was there a civil war?
Perhaps the truest thing President Trump has ever said.
People don't ask that question.
And now a segment we like to call Is This a Joke?
The city of Flint, Michigan
has sent over 8,002 letters to residents
so they may collect $5.8 million in unpaid water bills.
Which could lead to those residents losing their homes
for not paying the bills for their very poisoned water.
Is this a joke?
No, of course not, 'cause the news is a parody of itself.
I mean, it is a joke, but the sick kind.
(drum roll)
Speaking of sick, the Republican Congress
has passed a bill to repeal and replace Obamacare
with legislation that could lose healthcare
for millions of Americans,
and would consider being sexually assaulted,
getting a c-section, and postpartum depression
a pre-existing condition,
making it more difficult to get insurance
and keep costs low.
The list of pre-existing conditions seemingly targets women,
especially considering
it doesn't include erectile dysfunction,
but it does include things like acne, heart burn,
back pain, asthma, hay fever, and hives.
So, don't worry, it also targets all humans
who experience human things.
The clause in the MacArthur amendment in the bill reads,
"Nothing in this Act shall be construed
"as permitting health insurance insurers
"to limit access to health coverage for individuals
"with pre-existing conditions."
In other words, we're not saying you can.
Just say they can't, you sneaky fucks.
Many critics of the bill claim, quote, "People will die."
But won't for a long time, because the bill is so bad
that they made sure to exclude themselves from it.
Good thing, because, before the vote,
Representative Jason Chaffetz had surgery on his foot
for a pre-existing condition after injuring it 12 years ago
while pulling himself up by his own bootstraps.
Thanks to being excluded from this law,
he was able to afford it unlike many other people.
Sorry, lots of...
Most people.
But, hey, look how happy they are.
Whoa.
Where's the rich old white man
taking away women's healthcare?
Nope.
Not.
No, not.
Ah, he's there somewhere.
Perhaps the most poignant moment
was when the President said this.
- Hey, I'm president.
Can you believe it?
- That's a good question.
And now a last minute installment of Is This a Joke?
(drum roll)
Because on Thursday,
when the GOP voted to take away people's healthcare,
a President Trump tweet from 2014 reemerged and read,
and this isn't a joke, "It's Thursday.
"How many people have lost their healthcare today?"
Is this a joke?
It's pretty good.
It's like...
This is a pretty good joke.
Reality it tragically ridiculous.
This has been Is This a Joke?
But enough about the actual president of an actual country.
This isn't a Trump bashing show.
For example, as the bill passed,
Democrats sang in celebration
because they think Republicans will lose their seats in 2018
due to this bad vote.
♫ Na na na na
♫ Hey, hey, hey people will die
Nothing says good
like cheering for people losing their healthcare
because there's not the chance that your political opponents
will have a hard time in 18 months, maybe.
Congratulations, everyone is terrible.
But, of course, worse than the cheering is the actual votes
from the goblins who voted for it
with their goblin hands and goblin words.
So, now a segment we like to call Petty Joke Junction.
Here's some of the swing votes that made this bill possible.
Republican Congressman
and animatronic state fair version of Reagan, John Faso.
Here's Republican Congressman
and gym teacher who's only in it
for also being the sex ed teacher, Fred Upton.
Republican Congressman
and cookie jar evolved into a human, Billy long.
This has been Petty Joke Junction.
It wasn't nice, it's not productive, but also fuck them.
And call them, it's actually effective.
They hate it, it works.
But, enough about the people that run the world,
let's talk about how we talk about
the people that run the world
with a segment called Headlines?
More Like Deadlines.
Deadlines?
More Like Deadwhines.
Deadwhines?
More Like Bad Headlines.
Here's a tweet from the Independent stating that,
when President Trump was asked if he'd start a nuclear war,
he said, "I don't know, I mean, we'll see."
But, the actual question was about
if Kim Jong Un tests a nuclear weapon
would there be military action.
And he said, I don't know, I mean, we'll see."
Not great, and, sure, military action between maniacs
would probably lead to nuclear war,
but, he wasn't literally asked,
"Would you start a nuclear war with North Korea?"
Like, come on.
This is, I don't even want to say it, but it's
fake news.
What is that?
Fake news, like...
Like, you just completely make it up or
it propaganda?
Just bad journalism?
All of it? - All of it.
Just, like, whatever? - Yeah.
Alright.
This is fake news, you guys.
It's a simple example,
and, yes, it's a tweet and not literally the headline,
but it's still emblematic of a problem
a lot of headlines have in fueling our emotions
in deceptive and sensational directions
by, you know, lying a little bit.
More on that during every single episode of this show.
This has been Headlines? More like Deadlines.
Deadlines? More Like Deadwhines.
Deadwhines? More like Bad Headlines.
Fake news, really, that's the term they...
- That's what it is, yeah.
- Dumb.
In Silicon Valley,
Facebook has recently had to apologize
when it was discovered that they had done extensive research
into the moods of teenagers,
trying to discover
when they are the most emotionally vulnerable.
Facebook denied using the data
for targeting advertisements to teenagers,
saying the research had only been used
to help firms, advertising firms,
understand how people use the social network.
You know?
They just want to understand, okay?
They're not using the data, they just wanna understand.
So they did a study
Just to, like, see, you know?
They just wanted to see, not to use it.
Just to see.
So they found out with extensive research so they could see.
And they're not gonna use it to advertise.
They're gonna be advertising firms
and they're just gonna see it
and understand it
from their extensive research.
And, I have convinced myself.
But, perhaps worse, this week, Mark Zuckerberg
had a surprise meal with Democrats
who voted for Donald Trump in 2016,
because Mark Zuckerberg is definitely running for president
no matter how many times he says he isn't,
and, just, like, please fucking don't, man.
Your company is actively trying
to find out when teenagers are emotionally vulnerable
so you can target ads at them,
and you have all of our data
and you want to be our president?
No thank you.
They made a movie about you,
and you weren't the good guy in it.
So, just, could you not?
Also, don't.
But now a little more about our current president
of whom many people have opinions.
No.
No more for today.
Thank you for watching.
We'll be doing this every week.
Hopefully calling out garbage.
Not just his garbage.
And we're gonna try and be as fair and balanced as we can
while still being libtardian cucks
at the height of snowflakery.
And, maybe, just maybe, we'll join the conversation.
This has been Some News.
Thank you, I've been white man in suit with jokes.
Hey, thanks for watching that video.
If you want to subscribe, hit that big C in the middle,
and if you want to watch more videos,
hit one of the two boxes on the right.
Also, don't forget to hit the notification bell icon below
so YouTube will notify you when we have a new video.
You'd like that, we'd like that.
This has been great.