Honesty and Openness:
After we have experienced restoration
with those we've hurt, we must continue
to have open, honest relationships
in order to avoid recurring problems.
Here now is Dr. Gene Getz:
The setting briefly is that Jacob and Esau--
after their bitter time of anger and
all of those things that went with that period of time--
they had a wonderful reunion.
A wonderful time of reconciliation.
And after that was over, we have an
interesting paragraph recorded for
us in Genesis 33:12 to 14.
"Then Esau said,"
"Let's move on, and I'll go ahead of you."
"[And] Jacob replied,"
"My lord knows that the children are weak,
and I have nursing sheep and cattle.
If they are driven hard for one day,
the whole herd will die..."
And let's give Jacob the benefit of the doubt here.
But I think from the context,
already he is conniving.
And he's not being open.
He's not being honest because
he has another plan.
And so he says to his brother:
"...Let my lord go ahead of his servant.
I will continue on slowly, at a pace
suited to the livestock and the children,
until I come to my lord at Seir."
In other words, I'll follow behind
and I'll catch up with you. I'll get there later.
But the reason is that I just can't
move that quickly because of the situation.
Well, what was in the mind of Jacob?
When did that come into his mind?
We're not totally sure but we read
in verses 16 and 17:
"On that day Esau started on his
way back to Seir, but..."
That's the key.
"...but Jacob went on to Succoth."
He went on to Succoth.
I don't think that he really had in his
mind that he was going to catch up
with his brother or meet him there.
Because he settled in.
"He built a house for himself and
stalls for his cattle; that is why the
place was called Succoth."
Now this raises, I think, some interesting questions.
Number one is: Why wasn't Jacob honest with Esau?
I think there are probably a couple
of reasons for that but one reason
could be: it takes time to change
old patterns of behavior that are sinful.
And Jacob had been a deceiver
for a long, long time.
And even though there was this reunion,
this reconciliation between the two brothers,
is it possible that he just regressed
to his old patterns of behavior? That's a possibility.
I think there's another reason.
Second question, I think, which sets
the stage for this possibility:
If he were afraid that living together
so closely might open old wounds,
then why didn't he trust God to protect
him if told Esau the whole truth?
Even if it hurt his brother's feelings.
In other words, another possibility is
that he may have thought:
Boy, we've had all this tension for all
these years and I don't want to take a risk.
I don't want to be too close.
Separation is better. Distance is better.
But if that was true, why didn't he tell him the truth?
Well, I think the real possibility relates to fear.
To answer these questions that we've just raised,
we must remember how easy it is
to be less than honest when we're
fearful of another person's reactions.
I'm sure all of us have felt that.
I think there are times that we choose
a route for communication that is safe
because we're afraid that maybe
face-to-face communication will be
too complicated, too tense.
And so we kind of circumvent that.
And if we're not careful, we don't tell
the whole truth in the process.
And so fear is an incredibly difficult
kind of motivation and particularly makes
us susceptible because of tension in the past.
And the pain that goes along with all of that tension.
And our memories can be very, very, easily activated
even though years in the past,
things have happened that have made us feel very, very uncomfortable.
Those feelings can be under the surface.
And boy, when something comes along
that's very similar. Brings back all those old memories.
It's like it's right there taking over your personality.
And so I think we all have to be aware
of that because that can cause us
to be less than honest and
certainly, in this case, Jacob was not honest.
As I think about Jacob. As I think about Esau.
As I think about these Old Testament characters.
I have to compare the advantages that
we have as brothers and sisters in Jesus Christ.
In our marriages, in our families,
in our relationships with one another.
And our great advantage is our
relationship in Jesus Christ.
And Paul spoke to that in Ephesians chapter 4,
verses 15 and 16, when he says:
"But speaking the truth in love,
let us grow in every way into Him
who is the head--Christ."
Speaking what? The truth.
But speaking the truth in love.
And then he goes on to say
and explain what our advantage
is over even Jacob and Esau.
"...From Him [that is Christ] the whole body..."
We're a family.
"...[from] the whole body, fitted and knit together
by every supporting ligament,
promotes the growth of the body
for building up itself in love by the
proper working of each individual part."
And one of the unique advantages that we have
as believers in Jesus Christ is that
we understand forgiveness in a way that
Jacob and Esau never understood forgiveness.
Because we have the greatest example
in all the world for forgiveness.
And that's God Himself through His Son Jesus Christ.
And in the Scriptures,
we are told in the New Testament
to forgive one another as Christ forgave us [Eph 4:32].
And we have that great advantage,
that model, that example, to be imitators of Christ.
But we also have the indwelling
Holy Spirit to enable us to live as we
ought to live if indeed we yield ourselves
to the Lord Jesus Christ and
walk in His will as we should, building up one another.
And there's so many statements in
the New Testament that relate to the
one another's. Things that we're to do for one another.
To be devoted to one another in brotherly love.
To honor one another above ourselves.
And to be unified in ways and to
forgive one another, accept one another.
And so all of these are great blessings
in the Lord Jesus Christ.
Ephesians--a principle emerges there.
Principle 9 that we've outlined from
the study in Ephesians:
In order to become mature in Christ
as local communities of faith,
we must all function as "members of one another."
And part of that relates to this experience
here in the Old Testament.
And that is forgiving one another
as Christ has forgiven us.
So, the question for Reflection and Response:
When is it wise and proper
to withhold information, including our
own negative feelings, simply to
avoid creating pain in another person's life?
Now this question, see, raises a balance
because there are some people who
think that if you don't share with another
person everything you're feeling,
you're not being honest.
And that can be a rather devastating
kind of modus operandi in terms of relationships.
There's a secular view that some
Christians have bought into
and it goes something like this.
And I've seen this with certain Christians.
When they think to themselves or they say to you:
This is how I feel and if you
can't handle it, it's your problem.
Have you ever heard that?
Well, that has grown right
out of secular psychology and
certainly does not grow out of the Bible.
To say: You know, this is how I feel and if you can't handle it,
it's your problem, not my problem.
First of all, when you look at a
statement like that it's a very distorted view
of speaking the truth in love.
Very distorted view because
speaking the truth in love, at times,
means that you withhold certain thoughts
or ideas, or even feelings out of deference
and love for another person.
Now, one of the ways in which you can
figure that out is to have another
objective listener where you can
say to somebody else: This is how I'm feeling.
Are my feelings based on reality
or am I just reacting and distorted?
And I've seen situations in my own experience
where the person says:
Gene, that's not a reality. And what happens?
It diffuses the feelings.
So there's no reason for me to go
to the person and say: This is how I feel.
There may be an opportunity to say:
This is how I once felt when you're
in a more objective discussion.
But speaking the truth in love is discerning.
Now on the other hand, sharing our feelings
is appropriate when it's based on reality
and it's something we need to share.
But one of the things that is so important
here is that when we share feelings,
we share them in a way that
doesn't threaten the other individual.
For example, when someone says to you:
This is how I feel.
That is much, much less threatening
to the receiver than when you say:
You make me feel this way.
There is a big difference.
One is very judgmental, very direct.
The other is: this is how I feel.
And it's very hard to deny a person feelings.
And so you can explore the reasons for that.
So it takes a lot of wisdom to be
able to make sure that we continue
to maintain good relationships
after restoration has taken place.
So let me just share that principle again:
After we have experienced restoration
with those we've hurt, we must continue
to have open, honest relationships in order
to avoid recurring problems.
Open, honest relationships is a very, very important point.
But it takes wisdom on how to
speak the truth in love and to maintain
those relationships in a Christlike way.