Whoa!
Sorry I took so long,
I was in the garden with my white friends,
playing some...croquet. Yes.
Well, nice to see you, and, to see you, nice!
OFF-SCREEN:
British banter! George, great guy.
Anyway, please do come in, everyone is welcome,
but, er, take your shoes off, everyone.
You, take your shoes off, please. Everyone.
People say I have the perfect life,
and I do.
Some people have said to me, "Oh, you know...
"You're only with Ahmed for his fame and fortune."
Losers.
THOSE people are intimidated by my beauty and success,
and probably on benefits.
Alongside my fortnightly Pak Nation show, Fashion Passion,
being Ahmed's wife is a full-time job.
My wife obviously can't speak good English,
but what she was trying to say is she is a marvellous cook.
What are you making today?
Er, toad in the holey?
Er, pie in the mash? Er, roly-poly...
It's Mr Kipling's exceedingly good British Bakewell Tart.
Are you having asthma attack?
Oh, wow!
Here's a photo of my, er, my lovely parents.
We look so alike, no?
This was a very special photo.
Er, yes.
This, this was er...
This was, er, just before they passed away.
Helicopter accident...
obviously.
Fucking helicopter.
Did you get that?
Yes? Cool.
Oh, wow. Hello there! HE LAUGHS
Um, we're here for the audition.
No, no, shh! Lucy, ha, Lucy, yeah, how are you, Lucy, madam?
Oh, and Ken! How are you doing, my friend?
Long bloody time!
Just friend. HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
You see, this is what Britain is about, you know -
neighbours coming unexpectedly and bringing sugar and milk.
I mean, typical!
Um, the last time I saw this chap was, er,
when's the last time I see you?
Er... Er...
Poundland?
When we took our wives to see Phantom Of The Opera, remember?
Remember? Yes.
When I say "Phantom," you say, "Of The Opera!"
"Phantom!"
Opera.
Yes. Sorry.
Phantom!
Of The Opera.
OK. Come in, anyway, please!
It's a lovely cup of tea.
I don't know who made it, it's been there since last week.
What did you say?
What is this?
Good question. Let's see.
Oh!
Oh, this a brochure for a fine PR agency. Yeah. Excuse me.
HE MAKES CLICKING NOISE
Come on, then.
Yes, you see, I have amassed the stats that, er, rank me
amongst the world's elite.
What are your stats?
6.3 inch, 5-inch girth, 4-inch helmet!
HE GIGGLES
Just a joke between neighbours!
A neighbourly joke!
Shut up.
Anyway, look, my point is, all the PR agencies,
they are fighting over me, you know, to be a part of the...
the Armstrong brand, and, er, in answer to your question, Rachel...
It's Lucy.
the PR agency that I'm meeting tomorrow in fact.
And it has, er, nothing to do with the fact that Tommy Khan
has just signed for Stardust Management.
Right.
HE COUGHS
..Tommy Khan.
Yeah. Oh!
It's time.
You know my wife, Camilla.
It's time?
It's time. Let's go.
Yeah, I kept all my receipts, cos like, sometimes,
you've got to, like, be really careful.
Yeah.
Did you have far to come?
Um, about 45 minutes by, um, I got on the train.
Right.
Two trains?
Yeah.
Was it...? Was it an easy journey?
Yeah, it's... It's OK.
It's, like, a really good change.
Just, like, go across the platform.
Ready, steady, Bake Off!
THEY BOTH HUM
Time to find out who the Star Baker is!
It's me!
Are you happy you came?
Say yes.
Yes. Very, very... We're very glad we came.
Thank you.
I was saying it to them.
I was saying it to them!
This looks delightful, Camilla.
I know.
God save the Queen, and Prince Philip!
Bilal! Come on!
Er, stand up, please.
Come on! Where's your bloody manners?
Come on! Let's do this.
# Oh, say, can't you see
# On the twilight
# View...world
# You are the...
# Woman and the man, together is...
# British... #
HE SPLUTTERS LOUDLY
What's the smell?
You smell this?!
HE SPLUTTERS
Look. Open your...
There's something wrong.
HE SPLUTTERS