>>> YOU'RE WATCHING C-SPAN. AT MIDNIGHT, BETO O'ROURKE ROLLS
DOWN HIS SHIRT SLEEVES IN DEFEAT.
BUT, FIRST WE GO LIVE TO A PRESS BRIEFING AT THE WHITE HOUSE WITH
KELLYANNE CONWAY. >> OKAY, GOOD EVENING.
HELLO, EVERYONE. IT IS I, KELLYANNE CONWAY.
AND IF YOU'RE WATCHING THIS, YOU ARE GOING TO DIE IN SEVEN DAYS.
MMM-KAY, AND AS YOU PROBABLY NOTICED, THE WHITE HOUSE HAS NOT
HELD A PRESS BRIEFING IN EIGHT MONTHS.
WE'VE KEPT THE PRESS SECRETARY IN HIDING BECAUSE OUR PREVIOUS
ONES WERE MOCKED, HUMILIATED, AND FORCED TO REGAIN THEIR
DIGNITY ON "DANCING WITH THE STARS."
MMM-KAY, BUT TODAY I AM HERE TO CELEBRATING BECAUSE WE HAVE
KILLED THE LEADER OF ISIS, WHICH ACCORDING TO THE CONSTITUTION
MEANS THE IMPEACHMENT CAN NO LONGER LEGALLY MOVE FORWARD.
MMM-KAY, AND NOW IT IS MY PLEASURE TO INTRODUCE A VERY
SPECIAL GUEST. THE HERO WHO TOOK DOWN THE
LEADER OF ISIS, CONAN THE K9 COMMANDO.
MMM-KAY, AND HE IS JOINED BY SPECIAL FORCES K9 INTERPRETER
DANA GRAM. >> HELLO.
>> AND YOU CAN TRANSLATE EVERYTHING THAT THE DOG IS
SAYING? >> THAT'S CORRECT.
I HAVE A MASTER DEGREE IN LINGUISTICS FROM DR. DOLITTLE
UNIVERSITY. >> AND CONAN, THANK YOU FOR
COMING TODAY. >> RIGHT.
OKAY. HE'S SAYING, "THE PLEASURE IS
ALL MINE, KELLYANNE."
>> MMM-KAY, AND YOU HAVE THE FLOOR.
>> THAT BLINK MEANT HE CAN'T WAIT TO LICK IT.
>> MMM-KAY. >> ALL RIGHT, WE'RE GOING TO
TAKE A FEW QUESTIONS AND CONAN IS GOING TO MEET WITH PRESIDENT
TRUMP TO EXPLAIN THE SITUATION IN SYRIA.
YOU, MA'AM? >> HI, CONAN, THANK YOU FOR YOUR
SERVICE. [ BARK ]
"IT'S MY HONOR, I DO THIS JOB FOR TWO REASONS; ONE, I LOVE MY
COUNTRY, AND TWO, BELLY RUBS." [ BARK ]
>> YES, I JUST WANTED TO ASK, WHO'S A GOOD BOY?
ARE YOU A GOOD BOY? [ BARK ]
ARE YOU MY GOOD LITTLE BOY? >> "SERIOUSLY, WITH ALL DUE
RESPECT, I'M A TRAINED MILITARY ASSASSIN NOT SOME BASIC
LABRADOODLE." >> YOU'RE RIGHT, I APOLOGIZE.
>> "APOLOGY ACCEPTED." YOU, SIR.
>> YES, YOU WERE INVOLVED IN A TERRORIST RAID.
WAS THAT SCARY FOR YOU? >> "A LITTLE, SURE, THE
TERRORISTS HAD GUNS AND EXPLOSIVES BUT AT LEAST THEY
DON'T HAVE VACUUM CLEANERS. YOU, MA'AM?
>> HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE GETTING ALL THE CREDIT FOR
KILLING BAGHDADI? [ BARK ]
>> RIGHT. "HONESTLY, IT WAS A TEAM EFFORT
FROM DAY ONE. >> AND HOW HAS YOUR LIFE CHANGED
NOW THAT YOU'RE A HERO? "HONESTLY, I'M DROWNING IN
BITCHES." >> WHAT DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE
SO-CALLED WHISTLE-BLOWER IN THE WHITE HOUSE?
>> "I THINK WE NEED TO FIND OUT WHO THE WHISTLE-BLOWER IS
BECAUSE THAT SOUND IS DRIVING HIM CRAZY."
NEXT QUESTION, PLEASE. WAIT, ACTUALLY I'M GOING TO HAVE
A SIP OF WATER, I THINK. YOU, MA'AM.
>> I WAS JUST ON DOG TWITTER AND READING SOME STORIES ABOUT YOU.
ARE ANY OF THEM TRUE? >> HE SAYS, "I SHOULD COME CLEAN
ABOUT SOMETHING. TEN YEARS AGO AT A HALLOWEEN
PARTY I DRESSED UP AS A CAT. I DID NOT MEAN TO APPROPRIATE
FELINE CULTURE OR PUT ON CATFACE.
I ALSO APOLOGIZE FOR LAST HALLOWEEN WHEN I DRESSED AS A
CHOCOLATE LAB." >> OKAY, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE
VIDEO OF YOU THAT'S JUST COME OUT?
>> "OH, RIGHT, THERE'S A VIDEO OF ME BARKING AT A BLACKMAILMAN.
I SWEAR IT WASN'T ABOUT RACE. BECAUSE I DON'T SEE COLOR.
LITERALLY I'M COLOR-BLIND. OH, AND EVERY DAY FOR THE PAST
12 YEARS I'VE HUMPED SOMEONE'S LEG WITHOUT CONSENT.
FOR THAT I APOLOGIZE." >> IF I COULD THROW IN A SILLY
QUESTION, WHO DO YOU THINK WON HALLOWEEN?
>> "TO ME, HEIDI KLUM ALWAYS WINS HALLOWEEN BUT THIS YEAR I
HAVE TO GO WITH KYLIE JENNER, SHE BECAME MARILYN.
AND SPEAKING OF COSTUMES, WHAT IS THIS JANKY FAKE MEDAL THAT
THE PRESIDENT PUT ON MY NECK, IT HAS A PICTURE OF A PAW ON IT.
YOU DON'T GIVE HUMANS A MEDAL WITH A FOOT ON IT."
"ANYWAY, THAT'S MY TIME, GOD BLESS AMERICA, SCOOTER, IF
YOU'RE WATCHING, DADDY LOVES YOU, NOW GO TO BED.
AND THE SAME GOES FOR PICKLE, ROCKET, BILLY, SHAMROCK."
>> THANK YOU SO MUCH, CONAN. WE ALSO HAVE A HUMAN THAT WAS
INVOLVED IN THE RAID. DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY QUESTIONS
FOR HIM? >> OKAY, THANK YOU FOR YOUR
TIME. >> YES, AND THANK YOU, ALL OF
YOU. NOW THIS DOG HAS TO GO MEET
PRESIDENT TRUMP AND THEN HE HAS TO TESTIFY AGAINST PRESIDENT
TRUMP. HE WAS ON THE UKRAINE CALL TOO.
MMM-KAY, GOOD NIGHT.