-Guys, what a beautiful fall day it was here in New York City.
Wasn't it gorgeous?
It's that time of year when people look at the puddle
on the subway seat and go from saying, "I hope that's lemonade"
to "I hope that's cider." [ Laughter ]
Seriously, I love the fall in New York City.
There's nothing better than watching tourists
in Central Park jump into a big pile of leaves
and then realize there's a body underneath.
[ "Law & Order" chime ] [ Laughter and applause ]
But everyone's in the fall spirit.
Some people spent the weekend carving a pumpkin,
while Nancy Pelosi is trying to impeach one.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
And Trump is still fuming about the impeachment.
And this weekend he sent over 70 tweets.
[ Laughter ]
It's so bad, at one point last night,
Trump's iPhone threw itself in the toilet.
"Goodbye, cruel world!" [ Applause ]
But Trump tweeted he wants
to meet the whistleblower in person.
However, their identity and whereabouts are still unknown.
They're probably hidden in a place no one ever goes.
So most likely, they're at a Forever 21.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Too soon? Too soon?
-I don't know. Seems quite hurtful.
-Now, I read that Trump's chief of staff Mick Mulvaney
could lose his job because the President is unhappy with
how he's dealt with the scandal.
If it happens, Mulvaney will try to get an easier job,
like E.R. surgeon, cliff diver, or coach of the Jets.
You know. [ Laughter ]
But in the next few days, top White House aides are gonna
present Trump with an impeachment-response strategy.
[ Laughter ]
Just in time. Yeah. [ Laughter ]
That's like the captain of the "Titanic" going,
"Ah, we should have taken a left. I'm sorry.
Is that too late?"
Actually, I saw that one of the President's former advisers says
that he's deeply disturbed by the Ukraine call.
Trump was furious.
He was like, "Which former adviser?
John, Steve, Michael, John,
Omorosa, Bill, John, Sean, Mooch?"
It could be one of 50 people.
But on the other hand, Trump's policy adviser Steven Miller
defended Trump and called the whistleblower a "saboteur."
[ Laughter ] -Hmm.
-It's the first time anyone has ever said that
without holding a sword and twisting their mustache.
[ Laughter ] "Saboteur!
En garde!" [ Laughter ]
Right now Congress is on a two-week break.
And I saw that Nancy Pelosi spoke about the impeachment
at an Atlantic City casino.
See, that's how you know everything is messed up,
when Donald Trump is making statements from Washington
and Nancy Pelosi is speaking from a casino in Atlantic City.
[ Laughter ]
But Democrats now say that they're gonna vote on
impeachment by the end of the year.
And this is nice. They've already hired Ryan Seacrest
to host their Impeachment Rockin' Eve party.
[ Laughter and applause ]
It's gonna be great. I'll watch. -Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Get Elvis Duran. He's here. -Ten, nine.
-But the impeachment is already getting ugly.
In fact, Joe Biden's campaign has asked TV networks
to stop booking Rudy Giuliani.
[ Laughter ] Trump heard that and was like,
"Finally something me and Joe agree on.
Please stop. Rudy, stay in the house."
That's right. Giuliani appeared
on every talk show over the weekend.
And he ranted about the Ukraine scandal, made false allegations,
spoke in run-on sentences,
and contradicted himself several times.
Giuliani is basically like
if Trump's Twitter account sprang to life.
He really is. [ Laughter ]
This is fun. The new Galaxy Fold was just released.
You see that? It's a tablet that folds into a smartphone.
Pretty cool actually. -Ah, big deal.
They came out with it last year. I have one already.
-That's not possible. -It's true.
[ Laughter ]
-Do you have it with you?
-Of course.
-Can I see it? [ Laughter ]
-Yeah, sure.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Good God.
Higgins, that's a broken iPad.
-No. It's a folded iPad.
[ Laughter ]
-Why is it bloody?
-Because it's sharp. [ Laughter ]
-Higgins, you should not be using that.
-It's ridiculous. This thing is amazing.
[ Electricity zaps ] Ooh!
I just got a text. [ Laughter ]
-Oh, my God.
I'm sorry.
Your phone shocks you when you get a message?
-Yeah. Doesn't yours? You need an upgrade.
[ Electricity zaps ] Oh!
[ Laughter ]
I think I'm -- I got another text.
Oh, I'm getting a call.
[ Electricity zapping ]
-Oh, my God!
-Hello! -Oh, my gosh. Higgins.
-Hello!
-Higgins, can you take that outside, please?
[ Electricity zaps ] -Oh!
[ Electricity zaps ] Oh!
-Higgins, stop pressing the button.
[ Laughter and applause ]
♪♪
-Ow! -God.
-I just shocked myself!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Finally, I read that employees
are now damaging workplace robots out of fear
that they'll take over their jobs,
which explains why today at the White House,
Trump was seen trying to drop Mike Pence in the bathtub.