- And out of those 30 people,
4 of them were gangbangers.
Yeah, real gangbangers.
Like the type of guys that generally
don't leave their neighborhood and...
like, yeah, and you'll know where they live
when they shoot you, like, "4th Street, bitch! Di--"
Like, you felt it.
[dark electronic music]
♪
[wind howling]
[cheers and applause]
- Hello, everybody,
welcome to "This Is Not Happening."
I'm your host Ari Shaffir,
and today, all the stories are about nostalgia.
[cheers and applause]
You guys, I'm so excited to bring this next comic up.
I'm super, super excited.
We started together at the Comedy Store
like, fucking 15, 16 years ago.
He's been one of my best friends my entire time here in L.A.
He's got an amazing podcast called,
"Good Times: With Steve Simeone."
Please give it up for my friend and yours,
Mr. Steve Simeone. Let him hear it!
[cheers and applause]
- I remember being about eight years old,
and I'm at my family dinner table,
and for the first time I'm staring at the craziness
that is my family.
I'm starting to get old enough, like, "Is this normal?"
Like, people will laugh, then they'll get angry.
And my dad will be like, "Did he say what?"
And my Dad's laughing, then he pushes away from the table.
"I got agita, babe, make the kids shut up!"
And she was like, "You were just laughing two seconds ago."
"Fine, I'm not gonna eat."
And I'm like, "What's going on with this house?
These people are crazy."
So I'm staring at my family, and I felt this voice,
like, this calmness come over me.
And, uh... I think the voice was God.
I'm not telling anybody what to believe,
so if you believe in God, then this was God.
If you believe in energy and the universe or whatever,
then energy told me this.
If you believe in nothing, then fuck it,
nothing told me this, okay?
So I'm eight years old and I'm watching all of this,
and I just have this feeling, this voice tells me,
"Remember this for when you get sad."
And I'm like, "Get sad? I'm eight, bro.
"Friday's pizza day.
We got a field trip on Tuesday. Ooh-ooh!"
Life is good when you're a kid.
Right, life is good when you're a kid.
But then I became a grown-up, and I was sad all the time.
I was, and then I was like, "You know what'll solve this?
I'm gonna move to Los Angeles."
[laughter]
Right, I was like, "I have to prove to the world I'm special,"
so then I moved here and I was, like, suicidal for a while.
[laughter]
So, uh...
I wish that was a joke.
[laughter]
So I'd been doing comedy for a while.
I was about ten years into it.
And I had the type of act that was, like, fun.
Like, people would like it, but it wasn't really--
it didn't really come from an honest place.
You ever watch comedy sometimes,
and you kind of tell the comedian's lying.
When they're like, "You know, my girlfriend sure is crazy!"
[laughter]
And the audience is like,
"I bet she is! He's gonna tell us!"
So that's kind of like--I would, like, walk out on stage
like all high energy, like, "Who's wasted?"
And the audience would be like, "We are!"
And I'd be like, "Me too, look how small my wiener is."
And they'd be like, "Oh, my God. This guy's great!"
[laughter]
I'm so embarrassed now.
[laughter]
But the thing was that no matter how well I did,
nobody would remember it.
Like, I would--there were times I would lit--I would get--
I remember once getting a standing ovation,
and then, like, after the show, I was like,
"People are gonna want to hang out with me."
And they were like...they didn't even remember my name.
They were just like, "Oh, that one guy was all right."
And I'm like, "Okay."
So...I guess about,
I don't know, it was about ten years in,
I started to switch up my style of comedy a little bit.
I started-- 'cause I was so sad...
thinking back to my childhood made me happy,
'cause I really couldn't see...
I couldn't see too much happiness in the now.
So I had to look at how happy I was yesterday,
and something cool started to happen.
I started to...
I don't know, retrain my brain?
Like, if you could see something awesome when you were eight,
if you have those memories, look for something awesome now.
So I started to tell those stories on stage
just because they made me feel good.
But then it started to make audiences feel good,
and people would relate to it.
It was the craziest thing.
People I didn't think would,
like, everybody's got crazy stories.
Like, somebody would be waiting for me after a show,
and they'd want to tell me, like,
"Dude, one time we had my brother tied up.
"We're pouring gasoline on him--soon as my Dad comes in--
it was fucking awesome."
Like, everybody had these crazy stories.
Like, I remember, like, once-- like,
I remember, like, kids, like, 17 years old,
they're like, "Do you remember this?"
I'm like, "No, I'm old, dude."
They're like, "But it was awesome."
I remember being in, like, Afghanistan, and these guys
I thought were the sons of anarchy,
they were special forces guys.
They were like, "You were awesome!"
And they wanted to tell stories.
Once I was in Santa Monica, I'm not--
there was this man that was so old.
He came out of the crowd.
I thought he was like a time-traveler or an angel.
He was like, "You were wonderful!"
I thought he was gonna give me, like,
a magic power or something.
So, anyway, about five years ago, maybe six,
there was a hot summer night.
It was a night just like tonight in the Comedy Store
down on Sunset Strip, and comedy wasn't cool then.
We only had about 30 people in the room,
and out of those 30 people, 4 of them were gangbangers.
Yeah.
Real gangbangers, not, like,
the fake guys that are, like,
trying to look tough for girls or sell drugs
and intimidate people, like, no.
The real deal, like the type of guys
that generally don't leave their neighborhood and--like, yeah.
And you'll know where they live when they shoot you,
like, "4th Street, bitch! Di--" Like, you felt it.
What I'm saying is some people have to talk about it,
no these guys are about-- you feel it.
When they walked in the room, they changed the energy.
Like, if you've ever seen "Breaking Bad,"
the two brothers that came over the border--imagine--
remember the guy, and he had his legs chopped off.
He's like, "You're not stopping me, bitch."
Imagine four of those guys.
Four killers are walking into the room
with tattoos on their faces and their heads, and they're like,
"Let's have a night of laughs on the Sunset Strip."
I don't know why they were there, to be honest.
I think maybe 'cause one guy got out of jail,
and they were like, "Larry, what do you want to do?"
"I don't know let's have some laughs!"
Right, so...
So about right there there's four assassins at a table,
and they are a delightful crowd for the first hour of the show.
They're having fun. They're clapping.
Very respectful, but they keep on drinking.
And as the drunker they get,
a little more out of line they get.
And I remember the one guy yells out, he's like,
"Get off the stage, puto. You suck!"
And the manager hears this, and he goes over hard,
and it's dark in there, okay?
So the manager hears, "Get off the stage, puto."
And the manager goes, "'Excuse me--
"'can I buy you fellas another round of drinks?'
"Holy shit, I'm not getting stabbed
for 12 bucks an hour, okay?"
So now, it's like...
So now these guys are getting drunker,
nobody's doing anything, okay?
So all--
I'm about to go on, or whatever,
it's like me and two other comics,
and I remember, I forget who it was, they were like,
"Dude, what are you gonna do? Are you gonna go on?"
And I'm like, "I need the $15, okay?"
So...I'm in my-- [laughing]
Dude, it's tough enough for me to go on late at night.
All my jokes are about, like, pizza day and building forts
and staying awake till midnight, right?
So now I--I'm like, what am I gonna do with these four guys
in the crowd that are booing people off the stage?
So I just walk up, and I'm just like,
I start to talk about pizza day,
and I'm like, "Mother effin' pizza day."
The one dude stands up, and he goes,
"Mother effin' pizza day!"
And I'm like, "Awesome!"
I'm like, "This is great."
We're connecting, right?
So now everybody's having fun.
Like, everybody in the crowd's starting to have more fun.
And there's something great
that can happen only in a live audience
where you can sort of create in the moment, and it was magical,
and I remember thinking, you know what,
you don't need $1 million to create memories.
In fact, if you have kids at home, tonight, on your way home,
stop off, get ice cream, hot fudge, whip cream,
some little sprinkle-y things, make sundaes.
Make real, legit, rich kid birthday party sundaes.
Put them in the kitchen, turn out the light,
then go wake your kids up.
They'll be like, "What's happening?
Is the house on fire?"
Go, "I don't know, buddy..."
[laughter]
[applause]
"But there's something in the kitchen for you."
Walk him into the kitchen, turn on the light, and be like,
"We got ice cream, bitches!"
With this the four gang members stand up.
They start laughing like it's 1994 and I'm Chris Tucker.
The one dude goes, "Mother effin' ice cream!"
He starts kicking his foot like in "Fat Albert"
when Weird Harold's kicking his foot, like,
[as Weird Harold] "You're like school
in the summertime: no class."
They start laughing so hard, right?
And I'm like, "This is awesome,"
but then they keep on laughing.
And around the same time it occurs to me,
it occurs to everybody else in the room
that that's not a genuine laugh.
That that's, like, a heckle-laugh.
Like, the next gen--like, it was around the time when people
started to be like, "Cool story, bro."
So now it's palpable.
Everybody's like, "Oh, what's this poor kid gonna do?"
They're like, "Ha, ha, very funny. Ice cream.
Yeah, I'm gonna make sundaes on the way home."
At least that's how I'm hearing it in my brain, okay?
So I remember right here there was a couple,
and I remember the husband's dragging the wife's hand.
He's like, "Let's get out of here."
She goes, "We have to pay our check."
He's like, "Fuck it. We don't want to be witnesses."
And they just left.
That happened.
So now I'm scared, okay?
The next comedian goes up, and he goes,
"You got to get out of here."
I'm like, "I know, but I got to walk by their table,"
'cause they're in the back of the room,
and I'm, like, going Do I--what do I do?
Like, if I stare at them and not act afraid,
they might think that's aggressive.
They might just beat me up for staring at them.
But then I'm like, if I look away,
they might think I'm a bitch
and beat me up on principle.
So I'm like--right?
So I'm like, "What am I gonna do?"
And I'm thinking, I'm like, you know what?
'You don't start no shit, it won't be no shit.'
Just hold your head up, mind your business.
So I start walking, and I feel--poom poom!
As I'm leaving the room, I feel two dudes get up,
and I'm like, "This is not good."
And my legs are starting to go weak, okay?
I'm not making-- I'm like, "I'm gonna die.
"I'm just trying to bring joy into the world for $15.
"And I'm gonna wind up stabbed 3,000 miles
away from my family," right?
So I'm like, "Just get to your car.
Just get to your car."
My car's blocked in, and the whole time I'm hearing,
"Hey, bro! Hey, dude!"
And now I have nowhere else to go.
So I just turn around and he goes, "Hey, dude."
And I turn around and I'm like...
And he goes, "Were you the fool that was just on stage?"
And I went, "Yeah."
And he went "Mother effin' ice cream!"
And came over and hugged me, okay?
[cheers and applause]
t gets so much better,
'cause now he's calling for his buddies, like,
"Hey, Larry, get over here. He's cool.
I told you he'd be cool. Larry, get over here."
Now this guy's name was not Larry,
but I'm not sharing with America his real name, okay?
'Cause there could be repercussions.
Okay, so this guy, Larry, is menacing,
but he's got the energy of a small child,
'cause he's afraid to talk to me.
He's not even making eye contact.
He's just going, "Bro, you were so funny.
"I loved it. I needed to hear that, bro.
You just made me feel good. Thank you."
So now I realize I have to talk to this guy
like he's one of my nephews.
And I'm like, "Hey, buddy.
I like your shoes."
And he's like, "They're Nikes. I just got them!"
I'm like, "They're awesome."
[laughter]
So now the first guy on the scene was like,
"Larry, tell him the joke you wrote him."
And I'm like, in my brain-- and he was like,
"No, he'll think it's stupid."
And he's like, "No, tell him. He wrote you a joke."
And I'm like, "Oh, that's great."
And Larry's going, "No, he's not gonna laugh."
I'm like, "Trust me, dude.
I'm gonna laugh regardless of how funny I think this is."
Right?
But honestly I'm going, "What kind of joke
could this guy write me?"
Right, like, "Don't you hate it when you're on a drive-by
"and blood gets everywhere so you
"got to take your shirt and burn it.
You can't have that DNA around. It's a new shirt, right?"
So...
So, I remember going, "Dude, what--what do you--"
He goes, "I think you should do a joke about balloons."
And I'm just like, "What?"
He goes, "I think you should do a joke about balloons."
And I'm like, "What do you mean?"
He goes, "You remember when you were little, you had a balloon
"you could play with for hours?
"Like, you would hit it once and then your brother would hit it.
"And he would hit it, then you would hit and he would hit it,
"but if it hit the ground... [explosion sound]
it could explode."
Okay, so that's when I started to calm down, right?
And I'm like, "That's a great joke, and I should use it,"
and I had a sense of peace.
First time the whole night I'm like, "I'm gonna be okay."
And it's not like I heard a voice,
I just got this feeling that I do believe was God again.
'Cause he was like,
"What do you learn tonight about judging other people?"
And I'm like, "What?"
And I felt this thing that, I don't know, changed my life.
I think as a society,
we're really good at judging each other
instead of loving each other,
and if you look at the world now,
never in my life has it been so segmented.
Everybody's at each other's throats.
Like, If you just walk down the street
and smile, people are like,
"Look at that prick. I wish he was dead."
Everybody's so angry.
Right? Old people versus young people.
Rich versus poor, black versus white,
gay versus straight.
Everybody's judging, judging, judging, judging.
When deep inside, we're just little kids
that just want to hang out, love, have some laughs.
And here's the great thing:
the less you judge and the more you love,
you'll stop judging yourself
and you'll start loving yourself,
and you'll be a source of
that happiness for other people.
So that's what I'm here to tell you.
Stop judging, start loving,
good night and God bless you.
[cheers and applause]