All everybody's talking about
is the coronavirus pandemic,
aka COVID-19.
I feel like that's how you know this thing has gotten serious.
'Cause now we've switched to using
-the virus's government name. You know? -(laughter)
Yeah, it's just like, "COVID-19,
"get your ass down here!
Explain why you've been infecting the world."
"Mama, my name's Corona." "Your name is COVID, boy!
-(laughter) -"I created your virus ass,
and I'm not afraid to be the vaccine!"
-(applause) -Anyway...
the past 24 hours
has been one of the biggest corona news cycles
we have been a part of yet.
And part of that was because it went from a disease
affecting anonymous people
to affecting the world's most famous face.
NEWSWOMAN: Stunning announcement.
Hollywood legend Tom Hanks and his wife Rita Wilson
revealing they have the coronavirus,
testing positive in Australia.
The couple now in isolation.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, corona got to Tom Hanks.
And this man's already been through so much.
I mean, think about it. After the war he's been through
and that time his plane crashed...
and he already had to deal with his dog dying,
I feel bad for him. But, I mean, at the same time
he shouldn't have been letting everyone touch his chocolates.
That's probably how he got it.
But regardless, he has announced
that him and his wife, Rita Wilson,
are gonna be in isolation.
And luckily, he's used to being stuck alone with Wilson,
-so he'll be fine. -(laughter)
Yeah, you thought the movie jokes were done,
-and then I came back with another one. -(applause)
You know, just... just by the way, this is a weird story.
This funny thing that happened to me yesterday.
When I saw Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson trending,
I was so devastated, because I thought,
after 31 years together, they were getting divorced,
and I was like, "Oh, no," and then I clicked on the news,
and I was like, "Ah, thank God, they're getting corona. Ah."
I mean, not "thank God," but "thank God."
-(laughter) -And honestly,
I can't believe that Tom Hanks is the first celebrity
to get the virus.
Like, I would have expected someone ridiculous,
like Flavor Flav or Charlie Sheen
or Sarah Pa... But Tom Hanks!
This is insane. Like, like, this is like finding out
Mr. Rogers has Chlamydia. Like, I don't...
-(laughter, groans) -Yeah, I'd be like,
"I didn't even think he had genitals."
It's almost like coronavirus chose Tom Hanks
just to send a message to the rest of us.
You know, like prison rules. Just like, "If I can get Hanks,
-I can get to anyone." -(laughter)
So the biggest star in Hollywood
just tested positive for coronavirus,
and luckily, he's saying he's feeling good, he's, you know,
he's obviously sick but he's feeling good,
and he's gonna be quarantined until he fully recovers.
But coronavirus isn't just sweeping
the entertainment world, it turns out
it's going after everything.
The NBA made the stunning decision
to suspend the season indefinitely
because of the coronavirus.
NEWSMAN: The NCAA just cancelled the March Madness Tournament.
The MLS, the NHL, they had suspended their seasons.
Disneyland in California will be closing starting on Saturday.
Broadway shows will now close, so will the Met Opera,
and the Met Museum of Art.
Yes, my friends, life as we know it has been cancelled.
Now we're all just gonna have to go home and die of corona.
-(laughter) -Yeah. Or, even worse,
spend time with our families.
We're... we're not gonna die. Please, I'm joking.
But it is... it is big news, right?
Parades are cancelled. Movies are delayed.
Uh, Broadway is dark.
The NBA has suspended its season indefinitely.
Which is devastating news for those teams.
They won't be playing basketball.
It was devastating except for the Knicks.
-They haven't played basketball in 20 years. -(laughter)
But...
but I will say, I do agree with shutting down Disneyland.
I mean, it's a breeding ground for disease. Think about it.
-There are rats everywhere hugging people. -(laughter)
It's disgusting.
And the big one, one of the big ones
is New York cancelling the Saint Patrick's Day Parade
for the first time in 250 years.
-(groaning) -WOMAN: Wow. -Yeah, that's a big deal.
And I get it, I get it. New York City
doesn't want people sick and vomiting in the streets
and then getting corona afterwards.
-They don't want that. -(laughter)
So that's how the coronavirus has been affecting the U.S.
But remember,
this is a global disease that's affecting everyone,
and one of the craziest unexpected side effects
of corona is probably in this video that came out of Thailand.
NEWSMAN: This is a video from Thailand,
and that is hundreds of monkeys that are hungry.
These monkeys are used to having tourists
feed them bananas, but Thailand has seen a massive drop
in tourism because of the coronavirus,
and so these monkeys are just invading cities.
Locals said they looked like wild dogs attacking each other
whenever one of them got a single banana.
-Holy shit. -(laughter)
There are no tourists to feed the monkeys in Thailand,
and so they're just absolutely wreaking havoc.
Which is crazy.
Because imagine if you are the one tourist left
-in Thailand right now. -(laughter)
Yeah, and you're just like, "Ah, time for my breakfast banana."
And then the monkeys swarm over,
and it's just you and your skeleton left behind.
(laughter)
Because I don't know about you,
but rabid monkeys are the most terrifying animal in my book.
No, 'cause, like, I know a lot of animals can attack you,
but monkeys, for some reason, they terr...
they just seem so much better equipped, you know?
They can open doors, they can handle tools,
you know, they can pick up things with their feet.
They're the only animal that can do sign language,
so they can even tell you what they're doing,
-like, "I'm gonna kill you." -(laughter)
-(applause) Wait. What?
-(whooping) -"I want a banana."
Like, the only person who doesn't need to be afraid
of rabid monkeys is Mitch McConnell.
Yeah, because if they try and rip his face off,
he'll just be like, "Joke's on you.
"I've got tons to spare.
Meh. Meh. Meh."
(laughter)
I mean, it's-it's really insane.
You've got corona shutting down the planet, right?
And then now a crazy monkey invasion on top of it.
It's like we're living
in two different disaster movies at once.
(laughter)
Somewhere out there in space,
there's an asteroid headed to us,
but it's like, "Uh, I'm gonna come back later.
"You guys, yeah."