- I'm mad drunk, right?
And one member of the cast suggests
that I go take a shit on the cop car.
(dub step music)
- Welcome to This is Not Happening presents:
World of Blunder.
If you've never been this show before,
this is a bunch of comics telling fun stories
about real shit that happened.
Give it up for a very funny man,
Mr. David Koechner everybody!
(audience applauding)
- Hi.
Yeah.
This is eight years ago, this is my travel story.
I travel to Louisiana to make money for my family.
I have five kids now, we have five kids now,
at the time we had two.
Go down there.
I knew some of the cast members, it was a fun thing,
not too long, alright?
Get down there day before the principal shooting
for photography, I'm not gonna tell you what film it is,
I'm gonna change names as we go through
(audience laughing)
'cause I'd like to keep working.
(audience laughing)
So get down there and my friend MC,
he and I are staying at the same hotel,
and right out the hotel about, I don't know,
four blocks across a parking lot
are a couple of restaurants.
So we have a couple, three, four beers,
gonna call it a night.
Alright.
It's like 8:30 Louisiana time.
Heading back and we run into some more of the cast
heading into another establishment
near the first establishment.
They said come with us, like ahhh okay!
(audience laughing)
We go in there, now these kids are younger than
I am and they're having car bombs, right?
So that's an ale of some kind
and then you drop a shot in it.
I have three or four of those.
(audience laughing)
They go down easy.
I've been doing it a long time.
(audience laughing)
I'm better at this than anybody you know.
(audience laughing and cheering)
It's not a joke, that's a tale my liver tells.
So at this point, it's nine o'clock Louisiana time
which means it's seven o'clock LA time,
so I'm gonna go outside, call home and tuck my kids in.
I'm a good dad, thank you.
Aw.
So I'm out there, I'm speaking to my wife,
talking to the kids, like I said we had two at the time,
fine, fine.
Now I just had, I don't know how many beers
and I had not gone to the bathroom, so I kind of,
there's a parking lot here and I go to this
other abandoned parking lot area
where there's a few bushes and I start relieving myself.
So I'm getting near the end of my relief
and I see a car pulls up, and I'm like really?
Here?
There's plenty of spots closer to the restaurant
why is this dick parking here, oh he wants to watch this?
Okay, so I shake it off and zip it up,
still on the phone with my wife,
and out steps two police officers.
Oh, well, hello guys.
"Why don't you come here a minute."
Alright.
He writes me a ticket for public urination
as he should, I'm fine with that, great.
Drunk, alright hey, you know what, shouldn't have done it.
(audience laughing)
But then he tells me I have a court date,
and I'm like, huh?
Can't I just pay it?
"No, you gotta appear."
You know what, I don't live here.
"I don't care you have to appear."
(groans) Guy, guy,
look I'm sorry but I don't live here
and I'm not gonna fly back in two months to do this.
"I don't care you gotta pay it," and I'm like (groans).
Now, I'm mad drunk, right?
So I go inside and there's this table of about
20 people from the cast and crew
having more drinks or whatever and I'm pretty upset
and I'm telling my friends about it.
One member of the cast suggests that
I go take a shit on the cop car.
(audience laughing)
To him that seems appropriate revenge,
let's balance this thing out here, you gotta come back.
Well, clearly he deserves a turd on his car.
(audience laughing)
I kinda think about it.
I head outside and my buddy MC
follows me out 'cause he'd seen what was goin' on in my eye
and he goes, "Koechner you get your fuckin' ass home!"
I comply.
Yes sir, you're right, I'm gonna go to the hotel,
short walk, short stumble over.
So I'm there, and a couple hours later I'm in my hotel room
and the door opens, someone is letting themselves
into my hotel room and I'm like what the hell?
People are coming into my room, I'm like what
the hell's goin' on, and I'm hung over at this point, right?
It's two o'clock in the morning and I see
four police officers enter the room, and I'm like
what, what's going on?
I'm thinkin ' fuck, man. (laughs)
You guys take this peeing in public really serious!
They go, "Alright we're gonna go down town."
I'm like, why you wrote me a ticket, what's goin' on?
"You know."
I'm like, I don't know.
So they handcuff me and then they throw a t-shirt over me.
I get into the police car with
the gentleman that wrote me the ticket, and I'm like,
what is going on guys?
And he's like, uh-huh.
(audience snickers)
And so I see these cop cars,
the other three take off this way, we take off
another way
and then we're kinda like on a county road,
not the regular road, and I'm like
dude what's goin' on?
What's goin' on, I'm sorry I shouldn't have pissed
in the parking lot, but you gave me the ticket,
I don't know what's goin' on.
"Oh, is that all you did?"
I'm like yeah, what's goin' on?
"You know."
But I'm honestly was just flabbergasted,
like what in god's name has happened and been pinned on me
so I get there, to the station, thank god.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, it's not safe in the back of a cop car.
So they put me in an interrogation room and some
guy comes in and is like,
"What do you gotta say for yourself?"
I'm like, I don't know, I got a ticket,
is this a joke, is this a prank?
Is this some kinda prank thing,
'cause I have to work in the morning, early.
And this is not funny, "Uh-huh.
"Alright, well we heard something 'bout something
"went on after you left the bar, is that right?"
I'm like, I don't know, I left the bar, I went home.
"Oh did ya?
"We've heard otherwise."
I'm like, what the fuck?
So then that happens, they send another guy in
and then they send a young guy in.
"I know you, I like your movies."
(audience laughing)
He tries to warm up to me, right?
He's super good-cop who I'm gonna confess whatever to,
and they got me handcuffed to a fucking pipe, right?
And I'm like, what is going on here?
He goes, "You really don't know, huh?
"You really don't know?"
I said I don't know!
Please someone explain why the fuck
you drug me out of my hotel room
and put me to the fuckin' station
at two o'clock in the morning.
Then they open the door to the interrogation room,
and they open the door to an office
on the other side where the police officers are gathered
around the phone,
put it on speaker, they got the waitress from
the establishment on the phone.
"Alright, go ahead and tell us what you saw."
"Well, I don't know if I saw anything,
"but I heard about it."
And I see their faces drop a little bit,
like, "Uh-oh, our case is kinda unraveling."
(audience laughing)
"Well, now tell us, you saw something?"
"No no, they's just talking about it there at the table."
So here's what had happened in my absence.
The one gentleman who had insisted that
I should probably shit on the cop car
then was kind of wildly exclaiming that I had done it.
And then, apparently, several people at the
table went and started looking at the cop car
like this, you know,
where did it happen, where did it happen?
And then this waitress was a friend
of the police officers and
she went right to their table and said
the guy you gave the ticket to shit on your car.
(handcuff noises)
What's goin' on?
So anyway, she didn't see anything, I'm like,
guys I didn't shit anywhere, I didn't shit in your cop car,
nothing happened, alright?
So they let me go, now the lieutenant of the bunch,
whoever the guy is, I think he's a lieutenant,
drives me home and he asks me a couple times,
"Did you do it?"
I'm like, if you're asking if I urinated in public, yes.
Did I shit anywhere, no.
"Okay."
So he walks me up to my room,
he doesn't just go, okay get out.
We go up to my room and he's leaning in the door jamb here,
and I'm like, fuck man, I gotta sleep,
I gotta work in two hours now.
And you know my trade, I look good, that's my thing.
(audience laughing)
Fatties gotta look good on camera.
And he's just chattin' with me and I'm like fuck.
"Would you submit to a DNA test?"
I'm like, for fucking what?
Will someone show me the shit on this car?
I go yeah!
He goes, "Okay."
He's like, "Who'd you vote for?"
(audience laughing)
I'm like, fuck man.
So, I'm an actor, so I do a little bit of this,
you know it doesn't matter who we voted for,
'cause we're all Americans.
Let me tell you another thing, I would never do
what you thought happened out there.
I have a brother-in-law that's in the force
and I have nothing but respect for what you guys do
day-in and day-out, and I'm sorry this happened.
He goes, "Alright, you go on."
I'm like, what the fuck, okay.
(audience laughing)
Next morning I had to fucking get up at six there,
blah blah blah, everyone's like, oh!
You mother fuckers.
So I tell one of these people, like what the fuck
did you guys do after I left because I got
fuckin' hauled out of my hotel room, taken down town,
blah blah blah, and they're like, what?
(audience laughing)
So now, this is the first day of shooting, right?
So who the fuck am I?
I'm the asshole that shits in cars.
(audience laughing)
I know a lot of these people, but most of them I don't
so I'm seeing this kind of stuff.
And so as filming goes on,
the principal actress in the movie
never quite warmed up to me.
We had a couple scenes together
and I'm a nice guy, I don't mind talking to people,
but this girl would only give yes and no answers
to my constant interrogation in an attempt
to start a conversation.
And I was like, oh well, fuck it, I don't give a shit.
I'll talk to anybody else, I'll talk to myself if I have to.
Hey, how you doin'?
Anyway, I have to hire a local lawyer, go down there.
He was able to move the trial up.
So I appear, I think the whole thing cost me $500
between him and the rest of the business, I go home.
Six months later, I get a call from an actor
buddy of mine who is now working
with this principal actress on another movie,
and he says "Koechner,
"what in the fuck did you do in Louisiana?"
(audience laughing)
I didn't do anything, what'd you hear?
"Well, the way I heard it, is you got a DWI
"cops hauled you down to the station
"and you're in the back and you shit your pants."
(audience laughing)
Alright folks, thank you very much!
(audience applauding) (dub step music)
- David Koechner everybody, David Koechner
thank you very much for doing it, man.
Don't forget to check him out in Anchorman 2.
So, last week I asked you guys to post stories
of your father, something in the comment section
about something crazy your father did,
and here's one of the really good ones that we saw.
Next week, in honor of David Koechner's story,
tell me something about the law,
some trouble you got into with the cops.
I know you have some good stories in this,
I know I have degenerate fans,
so post your best stories right down there
in the comment section.
Thank you guys for tuning in, don't forget to
hashtag This is Not Happening on Twitter.
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