people are so complicated that most of
us don't even understand our feelings
and thoughts half the time yet here we
are
7.5 billion of us stuck on this rock
having to interact with each other
everyone with different goals and values
and beliefs and we all got to try and
get along
and also some people have knives and no
emotional reaction to murder but that's
not the point when i say relationships
i'm talking about any type of
interaction between people
friends family colleagues when you do
the kisses with someone red flags are a
term that everyone's familiar with that
person cheats on everyone they've been
with red flag
that person only uses people for their
personal benefit red flag
that person doesn't wipe off the knife
after spreading butter on toast
and when they go for more butter little
crumbs get stuck in the tub
red flag but what about red flags that
only start revealing themselves once
you've built trust with someone and have
a connection with when your opinion of
someone is positive those flags can
start being overlooked or you start
saying
oh but they're a good person i trust
them oh
i mean they wouldn't want to hurt me on
purpose it's easy to rationalize warning
signs of a bad relationship when you
have a positive view of someone but it
doesn't mean that they're not there or
should be ignored they're still being a
jerk it's just complicated by your
history together
i think the majority of people tend to
be too nice or passive or
overly understanding it's really common
and easy to do because of that toxic
relationships are much more prevalent
than you'd realize
and it can be difficult to know what to
look for there's a chance you're in a
hurtful relationship right now and don't
even realize it the term manipulation
gets thrown around a lot and because of
that i think a lot of people would feel
they would be able to identify
manipulation if it happened to
themselves but it's not as easy as
chad and sally are dating sally wants to
go out with friends
chad forces sally to stay home with him
chad's a manipulator
yeah that's actually a super common
manipulative situation but the way
manipulation works is that it builds up
slowly over time and is almost entirely
emotional chad might instead start
isolating sally from her friends by
nitpicking things he doesn't like about
an individual person at a time
i don't like how nick talks to a lot of
girls that's kind of weird
don't you think dawn drinks too much
that's not too responsible over
little implants like that can make sally
view her friends not as highly one by
one and start trusting chad more a few
months of this go by and sally's not
hanging out with any of her friends
anymore and chad's successfully isolated
her which means he has much more control
over her thoughts and emotions you still
might think that's easy to see through
and
some people are better at picking up on
warning flags and others i think it's
important to keep in mind that
everything in real life is
much more humanized than when we talk
about them for example
we're raised to believe that drugs are
awful it's pretty much brainwashed into
us
you're at a party the lights are blaring
and someone comes up to you and goes
hey kid wanna do a drug
[Music]
time slows down the cigarette is glowing
with evil energy
you look up and all of a sudden they've
grown horns and fangs
and oh my god it's satan no that's not
what happens
realistically you'd be at a small get
together with close friends
you've had a nice night with them so far
laughing and having a good time just
like normal one of them just takes out a
little sandwich baggie and is like
hey i've got coke there's no time
slow-mo or sirens it's a completely
normal feeling situation and all of a
sudden your brain is confused
drugs are bad but this is my friend
we've known each other since fifth grade
he's just a normal dude he's not bad are
my other friends gonna do it
your brain thinks of any excuse it can
to rationalize behavior from people you
trust or think highly of
which applies to relationships it can be
difficult but you need to define
how people should treat you and respect
yourself enough to not let people
maneuver you into bad situations
emotionally abusive and manipulative
relationships are
super freaking common and it's tricky
because they jostle with your head feels
and can make you feel like a
squashed fly on a window stuck powerless
sad if fly corpses even feel sad
i mean i guess they're just dead
emotional blackmail is a way to control
or manipulate someone by using guilt
fear and obligation against them is
someone passive aggressive
overly controlling do they use threats
like do this or i'll hurt you or even
do this or i'll hurt myself that leads
to another difficult situation if
someone ever belittles themselves
i'm pathetic you should just leave me
i'm gonna hurt myself
it puts you in a complicated position
because it can feel like there's a
responsibility to provide this person
with whatever they need because
obviously you care about them and you
don't want them to feel this way or even
do something bad to themselves
but this is a hard pill you've gotta
just swallow
[Music]
you are not personally responsible for
anyone's happiness
but they've got really bad self-esteem
and i'm worried that not responsible for
anyone's happiness
but they're really depressed and can't
help it so i feel like if i just
not responsible for anyone's happiness
but i'm santa claus
all right gray area responsibility
shouldn't be assigned to you
even if it breaks your heart to step
back people normally aren't equipped to
be able to help someone with their
issues anyway so it's best to encourage
them to see a professional who's been
trained to know how to handle things
someone might be struggling with their
own personal stuff
but mental illness doesn't negate their
responsibility to maintain a healthy
relationship it just means they need to
work on themselves which is okay
but you don't need to be a part of that
you've got your own junk they've got
their junk
you need to decide how much of their
junk you want to help with don't let
them forcefully shove their junk on you
i like to imagine i'm my own little
ecosystem and i do my best to maintain
it every day
if there's a person or relationship i
have that just feels like
pollution in any way maybe it started
off well but slowly started feeling
damaging then i've gotta just step back
and ask myself
if i need to kick them off my planet it
sounds harsh at first but you really
can't drop your responsibility to
maintain your ecosystem
in hopes to improve someone else's who's
gonna watch your ecosystem
no one because that's your
responsibility communication is the most
important way to know if you can work on
fixing the relationship or
need to cut it hey dude can you stop
dumping toxic waste into my ocean
you've been doing it for a while and all
my cute little dolphins are dying
oh geez i didn't even realize i was
hurting them
i'm sorry what can i do to be better not
only have you communicated that there's
a problem but the person takes full
responsibility and is willing to work on
getting better but if they say
look how was i supposed to know i was
just trying to help why are you being so
sensitive
that's toxic as shifting blame
gaslighting
guilt tripping catches deportation let
them know how they're affecting you
set boundaries on how much you can give
and make sure you both have your own
support system so you don't have to just
rely on each other if things don't
change
look at your behaviors as well do you
feel like you need to justify or explain
their actions too much
do other people you trust not like them
people can get stuck
accidentally blaming themselves or over
rationalizing things that are just
not right in the first place and don't
forget that you can also be doing things
wrong too
self-reflect a bit verbalize your
feelings ask yourself
am i being an why are you doing
things out of spite
anger jealousy it's tough to admit your
faults but it's more important to be 100
real and brutally honest with yourself
if you're gonna maintain a 100
real relationship people who manipulate
most often don't realize they're being
manipulative
no one wakes up and is like haha i'm
gonna be super manipulative today
think about your contributions to your
relationships and how they affect things
it's okay to admit when you've messed up
it's more messed up to turn a blind eye
and
keep being a jerk it takes a lot to
break off any sort of relationship
because it can feel like a defeat
or like you've given up but sometimes
that's just straight up the best and
healthiest solution for both of you two
people can be
great but just not mix well together and
if you feel like leaving is dangerous
for
either you or them ironically that's a
pretty strong reason to leave in the
first place
someone shouldn't ever need you they
should want to your ecosystem should be
able to sustain itself and relationships
are just the little sprinkles of
fertilizer benefit for it if you feel
like you're not strong enough to break
something off
a good way to work on that is to build
confidence build a good support system
journal your thoughts practice positive
self-talk i am a god
all right not that positive treat
yourself as a friend it's not selfish to
want the best for yourself
especially when someone's over here
being a happiness vampire when you break
something off with someone
remember why things didn't work repeat
it in your head if you need to a lot of
people try and rekindle relationships
when the initial problem hasn't been
fixed
people need time to change you don't owe
someone a second chance if they haven't
put in the work to fix anything
and you can't force someone to get help
if you're unsure about a relationship
think about these questions do you put
off seeing or responding to them
do you feel worse after spending time
with them have they threatened you or
themselves in any way
do they make you feel like you can't do
things on your own or you can't make a
single decision without them do they ask
for a lot of favors or money and don't
pay it back
do they talk badly behind your back do
you feel like you're walking on
eggshells around them
do they put you down if it's a yes to
more than one of those then you should
start considering either ending it
or try to communicate and resolve the
problems don't tolerate any pollution
you're the one who has to live in it and
you deserve clean air
big thanks to my friend kati morton for
helping me out with writing this video i
wanted to make sure i didn't say
anything inaccurate and she's a licensed
specialist with this type of stuff and i
trust her a lot of course i hope you're
able to take this advice and interpret
it to situations in your own way if you
want to put a lot of energy into trying
to help or be there for someone that's
completely fine i just want people to
know it's okay to think about yourself
as well in situations i've met and i'm
friends with so many great people who've
tried to help someone they care about
but it ended up being too much and
starts dragging them down too like once
you start talking to people about it
it's like holy crap literally everyone's
gone through something like this and
it's so easily preventable if you know
what to look for
anyway thanks for watching hope this
helps someone out there you're great
talk to you later bye alright
bye to