Vanessa Marin: As a sex therapist I hear tons of people's
most intimate questions and concerns but of all of the juicy questions that I get asked
on a daily basis there are about seven that I get asked all the time. Hey, there I'm Vanessa
Marin. If we haven't yet met I am a licensed psychotherapist specializing in sex and relationship
therapy. I've spent the last 15 years working with thousands of people and I've been a featured
expert for major magazines and websites like the New York Times, O the Oprah magazine,
Real Simple, and many, many more. My mission is to equip you with the tools that you need
to create an extraordinary relationship inside of the bedroom and out.
Vanessa Marin: So in this video, I'm going to be revealing
the top seven questions that I get asked as a sex therapist plus the answers that I give
when people ask them. So, if you've ever wondered what sex therapy is all about, if you've ever
had a burning question about your sex life, or if you're just curious about what goes
on in other people's sex lives this video is for you.
Vanessa Marin: So let's get right into the questions. Question
number one, "Am I normal?" Hands down this is the most common question I get from men,
from women, from couples, you name it. Everyone is so worried that what they do is out of
the norm or it's weird or it's something to be concerned about. So I hear it from women
who are struggling to orgasm or who can only orgasm in very specific ways. I hear it from
men who are struggling with performance issues or have a lower sex drive than their female
partners. I hear it from couples who worry that they don't have sex often enough or even
that they have sex too much. I hear it from individuals who are worried that their fantasies
are over the top or weird or abnormal. Seriously, everybody is worried about whether or not
they're normal so I get this question from every angle. No matter what the circumstance
is people are so concerned that what they do, feel or think just does not match up with
what everyone else does, feels and things.
Vanessa Marin: So fortunately, this is a question that I
can answer pretty simply. There is no normal when it comes to sex and really there's no
use even trying to define the normal. The reason that we're also obsessed with normal
is because we think of sex as this embarrassing taboo topic and it's like we want to find
a way to get rid of all of the embarrassment and the shame that we have. So we feel like
as long as other people are doing it it can't be all that weird, right? Like if other people
do it it gives ourselves this permission to do it too. So let me just say, as long as
everything is taking place between enthusiastically consenting adults you're fine, seriously you're
fine. And if you truly want to explore your relationship with sexuality and get more comfortable
with your sex life, with your desires, then definitely check out sex therapy or one of
my sex therapy courses.
Vanessa Marin: Question number two, "I can't orgasm. Is something
wrong with me?" So this question is similar to the first one but it's one that I usually
hear from women. So the answer to this question is no there is absolutely nothing wrong with
you. It is actually really common to not know how to orgasm, much more common than you might
think. So orgasm is not something that we are born knowing how to do. It's not some
inherent skill that we just come out of the womb having. Orgasm is a skill. It's something
that takes time and practice to learn just like any other skill that you might want to
get. But we don't exactly take orgasm 101 in school, right? So there are millions of
women that are left struggling to figure out their bodies on their own. I've even had my
own orgasm struggles so I totally get the frustration that comes up around this question.
Vanessa Marin: So, this is the reason that I created my online
course Finishing School. I realized that there just weren't great resources out there for
women who want to learn how their bodies actually work and what they actually need to reach
orgasm. When I was having my own orgasm troubles I was looking everywhere for some good information
and instructions and I couldn't find a single thing. So, the bottom line if you have never
had an orgasm yet do not worry. Nothing is wrong with you. You're not broken. It doesn't
mean you'll never be able to have an orgasm. You just need the proper information and techniques.
And you might want to check out Finishing School but you will get there I promise.
Vanessa Marin: Question number three, "Why can't I orgasm
with my partner?" So this one dovetails off the last one. This is another one that I get
a lot from women. So there are a lot of women out there who know how to get themselves off
on their own but the second they bring their partner into the mix they just can't figure
out how to get there. And there are a lot of women who have never had an orgasm but
they want to skip ahead to the whole orgasming with a partner part.
Vanessa Marin: So this is only complicated by the fact that
there's a lot of misinformation and confusion about how female pleasure works. So most women
who have sex with men expect that they should be able to orgasm from intercourse alone.
But, in Finishing School I teach that regular old intercourse just does not create enough
stimulation for the woman to orgasm. So, it's perfectly normal to not have an orgasm during
intercourse. It's even perfectly normal to not particularly enjoy intercourse that much.
Plus, a lot of us ladies have a really hard time taking responsibility for our own pleasure.
We're taught to be so embarrassed of our bodies so most of us just want this partner who can
come swooping in and just give us everything we never even knew that we needed inside and
outside of the bedroom. There's that knight in white shining armor fantasy that a lot
of us have. But that's an awful lot of pressure to put on one person, it's just not realistic.
So, I hate to break it to you but your first orgasm is just not going to happen that way.
Vanessa Marin: So if you want to learn how to orgasm with
a partner there are two key steps that you need to take. First, you need to learn how
to orgasm on your own. You have to figure out how your body works before a partner can
get you there. And then second, you want to incorporate the kind of stimulation that you
like to use on your own with your partner. So don't just default to intercourse, don't
think that what works for him will automatically work for you. You need to give your body what
it needs and you need to teach your partner what you like too.
Vanessa Marin: Question number four, "Our sex life has totally
disappeared. How can we bring it back to life?" So let's face it, prioritizing your sex life
and your relationship is not always easy. In fact, it's more often difficult than it
is easy. It takes constant, constant work and sometimes life just has other plans for
us. So I can speak from firsthand experience when I say that at some points your sex life
with your long-term partner may feel stale. It's totally normal to go through dry spells.
My husband Zander and I have definitely been through dry spells of our own too. It's completely
normal. So don't feel bad if maybe you've had a stressful few weeks at work and you
just don't seem to be in the mood at all. Don't worry if you and your partner have suddenly
gone a few weeks or even a few months without having great sex. It just happens, that is
life.
Vanessa Marin: So what I like to remind my clients is that
while it might feel awful in the moment to know that your sex life has just taken a back
seat or just isn't very pleasurable or enjoyable anymore the great news is that you always
have the power to take a step towards a more exciting, more passionate, more fulfilling
sex life. You can always start working on your sex life at any point. You can make a
change at any point.
Vanessa Marin: So, I want to take a little second here though
to talk about effort. Now, for most people having to put any sort of effort into your
sex life is seen that it's a sign that something is broken in your relationship, something's
wrong that you have to all of a sudden work so hard for it. But honestly, that could not
be any further from the truth. Great sex requires great effort. I'm going to say that again
because it's so important. Great sex requires great effort. So if you want an active and
satisfying sex life you have to work together as a team to keep it exciting.
Vanessa Marin: So start by having a conversation with your
partner about where are you both stand. Talk about the things that are getting in the way
of the two of you having the sex life that you want and the things that contribute to
the two of you having great sex together. So for example, maybe you could talk about
how your stressful work week it just hasn't set you up to be in a good head-space. Maybe
you can brainstorm some simple ways that the two of you can get back into the swing of
things. And if you're struggling to bring up your sex life with your partner be sure
to check out my other video How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex, The Dos and Don'ts
According to a Sex Therapist.
Vanessa Marin: Question number five, "Why am I having performance
issues and how can I get rid of them?" So this is a question that I get most often from
men. Now, performance problems develop with a kind of ridiculously predictable pattern.
So you have an issue getting hard or ejaculating too quickly just once and then the doubt starts
to come creeping in almost immediately. So you start thinking about it all the time.
Your anxiety increases, the problems begin occurring with greater and greater frequency.
It becomes the worst kind of self fulfilling prophecy.
Vanessa Marin: So I think that one of the underlying beliefs
that lead to performance issues is this idea that the penis is supposed to operate like
a machine. So we are conditioned to believe that men should always want sex and they should
always be ready for sex at the drop of a hat like wherever, whenever, whatever you should
be good to go. So, men expect that their bodies should just be under their complete control.
They should do whatever they want their bodies to do, get hard whenever they want, last as
long as they want, have orgasms, everything. But the truth is, we are not robots and our
bodies do not always do what our brains want them to do.
Vanessa Marin: So erections and orgasms do not happen in
a vacuum. That actually sounds extremely uncomfortable, right? So there are a lot of different factors
that can cause performance issues, health problems, relationship dynamic, communication,
anxiety, depression, a whole host of other things. So, if you want to get your sexual
performance back on track stop expecting your body to operate like a machine and start getting
curious about the specific dynamics that might be getting in your way.
Vanessa Marin: Question number six, "My sex drive has tanked.
How can I get it back?" Now, most of us think of our sex drive as a fixed value like, "I
always want to have sex twice a week." But the reality is that your libido is really
sensitive and it gets affected by a lot of different dynamics. So there might be times
where you do want sex multiple times a week and you can happily follow through on those
desires. But there may also be times when sex is the last thing on your mind and no
matter what you do you just cannot get into the mood. This is totally normal.
Vanessa Marin: Well, I created an entire course based on
the answers to this question, it's called Rediscovering Desire. If you want to check
it out I'll put it in the description box down below. The best first step is to think
about your sex drive as having a reverse mode and a drive mode. So, reverse mode are the
dynamics that get in the way of you feeling desire, they're like blockages to your desire.
Drive mode are the dynamics that actively get you going.
Vanessa Marin: So, some common reverse mode dynamics are
things like medication, stress, depression, anxiety, lack of sleep, big life changes,
trauma, how you maintain your space, how much daily screen time you get, your self esteem,
whether you have a history of sexual pain. Some common drive dynamics include your partner
initiating in certain ways, having the time, space or privacy for sex, doing certain sexual
acts, having a good relationship with your body or taking time to connect emotionally
first. So lots of different possibilities, right? So you want to figure out what puts
you into reverse and what puts you into drag.
Vanessa Marin: And finally, we have question number seven,
"How do I talk to my partner about our sexual issues?" So here's the thing that most people
get wrong when it comes to talking about their sex life. They start out by talking about
the problems in their sex life. Unfortunately, since people are so embarrassed about sex,
we all are, don't worry you're not alone in this, but because of that we usually only
will talk about it when things are really bad or something is wrong. But this only contributes
to feeling even more anxiety about talking about sex. Like if you're imagining yourself
confronting your partner and telling them all the things that you don't like about your
sex life of course you're never going to want to bring up the topic.
Vanessa Marin: So instead, what I recommend is that you talk
about the good stuff first. Not only is this easier and a whole lot more fun, it's also
way more effective. Once you get comfortable talking about sex in a positive or even a
neutral way you'll feel so much more confident bringing up the trickier stuff and you and
your partner will have this amazing foundation of communication that you can fall back on.
Vanessa Marin: So if the thought of bringing up sex with
your partner just terrifies you or you need a little help getting the conversation going
I have got your back. Be sure to check out my free guide How to Start Talk About Six
With Your Partner Even If You Never Have Before. So this guide breaks down it into easy to
follow steps. It gives you word for word scripts that you can just copy, do exactly that with
your partner. So I will leave a link to get the guide in the description box down below.
Vanessa Marin: All right. So that wraps up the top seven
questions that I get as a sex therapist. If you like this video please give it a like
or better yet comment down below. Let me know if you've ever had one of these questions.
Let me know what you think about the answers, any surprises here, any other questions that
I didn't mention. I always love hearing your questions. So, make sure to also hit the red
button to subscribe to our YouTube channel and while you're at it click that little notification
icon too so you can make sure you keep getting all these videos. Thanks for watching and
I'll see you next time.