First up, the college admissions scandal.
Three months ago, we found out that dozens
of parents were paying millions of dollars
to cheat their kids' way into college, but in their defense,
it was only because their kids were dumb as shit.
Well, today, the courts gave us a taste
of the punishment that's about to come,
and, unfortunately, the taste isn't very satisfying.
In Boston, the first defendant in that massive
college admissions cheating scandal was sentenced today.
TV REPORTER: John Vandemoer pled guilty
to federal racketeering charges,
admitting he took $610,000 in bribes
to try to get privileged students admitted
at Stanford through a side door.
Prosecutors asked for 13 months in prison,
but his defense attorneys argued for leniency,
saying he used the money to pay for sailing uniforms,
equipment and staff costs.
The former head coach
of the Stanford University sailing team,
sentenced to one day behind bars, time served,
two years probation and a $10,000 fine.
My actions were wrong.
I see that now.
But my intentions were to help the team.
I will carry this with me for the rest of my life.
Wow.
He got sentenced to just one day?
I've been stuck in the airport longer than that.
(laughter)
And it's funny how people only notice
that they were doing a bad thing after they get caught.
"My actions are wrong, I see that."
Get the (bleep) out of here, man.
So when you were taking $600,000 in bribes,
you didn't think that was wrong? You were just like,
"I'm getting a weird feeling
but I want to see where this goes. Yeah."
Like, do you understand how greedy it is
to take bribes as a sailing coach?
Being a sailing coach is already a scam, all right?
You just hang out all day on a boat,
and you wear sweats all wrong.
You don't even have to work,
the wind does all the work for you.
But let this be a lesson to the kids, yeah.
If you're black and caught using weed,
you could spend years in jail,
but if you're a coach at Stanford convicted
of racketeering charges,
you might have to go to prison for the rest of your night.
In other news, the tech industry
has recently come under scrutiny for how all of the products
that they're offering affects society at large,
and today, members of Congress held a hearing to discuss
a new technology that's got all of them spooked: Deepfakes.
Today, there's gonna be a hearing on deepfakes.
Now, if you don't know what a deepfake is,
it's artificial intelligence technology that can create
realistic-looking but fake videos.
House Intelligence Committee is gonna discuss the challenges
of deepfakes and other manipulated media.
Congress has gotten very worried
about how easy it is to fake media
and how it could impact the upcoming 2020 election.
TV REPORTER: There have already been a number
of prominent deepfakes spread online,
and just last week, artists uploaded
this deepfake video of Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg
delivering an ominous message.
And how did he make such a convincing fake?
With free software, a regular desktop computer,
and some basic programming.
Okay, this is really scary,
especially with the presidential election coming up,
because bad guys could use this technology to make videos
of candidates saying things that they didn't say.
Like, they could make a candidate say something racist,
or with Trump, they can make him say something not racist.
And this isn't just about politicians.
Any of us, any of us could get deepfaked, yeah.
You might even start seeing videos deepfaked of me.
Like, they could fake videos of me
on South Africa's Dancing with the Stars,
even though that never happened.
Never, never, ever happened.
And, personally, I'm not worried, because, you see,
like, I can tell which videos are real, which ones are fake.
I work with videos all day.
But I worry about you guys.
I actually had my graphics team here make a deepfake
to help teach you how to spot the difference.
I think we're very alike in many ways,
and I think that's what makes it work, and I think
that's why people respond
to the fact that we got together.
We're alike, but except I can't sing, dance, act,
and I don't look like her, besides that, we're twins.
Okay, that was weird.
They just played a real video of me and my wife J. Lo.
Um... Sorry, we'll try to find the fake video later.
Let's move on, because we've got some very sad news to report.
White House press secretary
Sarah Huckabee Sanders is quitting.
(whooping, cheering, applause)
No, I... I said...
I said she's... I said she's quitting.
I said she's quitting.
And, uh, we know that this is true because she's denied it.
(laughter)
But this news isn't that surprising because you realize
she stopped giving press conferences months ago,
so it's just quitting what she already wasn't doing.
She's basically quit being press secretary
the same way Trump quit CrossFit.
So let's move on because there is breaking news
about a major archeological discovery
that'll blow your mind, man.
And it turns out people have been getting high on pot
for at least 2,500 years.
Archaeologists in far-western China
say they have found the earliest direct evidence
of marijuana use.
It includes ten wooden bowls containing burnt residue of pot
apparently used in burial rituals.
That's right. It turns out humans have been getting high
since 500 B.C.
So I guess now we know why they call it the Stone Age.
Yeah.
(vocalizing)
If I had a band,
that would have killed even harder.
Uh, and it's interesting
how the archaeologists discovered it.
They found bowls with burnt-out weed,
and they also found DVDs of the hit prehistoric movie
Dude, What's a Car?
It also must have been weird
being a caveman who discovered weed, right?
He was probably sitting there with an unlit blunt in his mouth
looking at his friend like, "Man, this weed is amazing.
"And once we discover fire,
this shit's gonna hit even harder, man!"