Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic,
I remember it so you don't have to.
Oh, hell yeah. I fucking love Tom and Jerry.
With the wanton destruction, comedic timing and hilarious sound effects,
this is the original cat and mouse team that perfected the art of cartoon violence.
I'm such a fucking dork that I actually went out and got the DVD collections of these cartoons,
and you know what I found out?
I'm not the only one who regards them as comic legends.
There's directors, historians,
and even comedy stars like Whoopi Goldberg and MADTV cast members
who all see Tom and Jerry as comedic gold.
With a comedy team so legendary, you'd think Hollywood would put some real time and effort into their first feature length film together.
They do not.
Instead, we got Tom and Jerry: The Movie,
a 1992 film about, what else, Tom and Jerry.
But now wait a minute, a Tom and Jerry cartoon is about 7 minutes long with just slapstick and silent humor.
How can you possibly make an hour and a half movie out of this?
Well, let's take a look.
In the opening credits we see Tom and Jerry doing what they do best: chasing each other.
And here's our first problem: voice actors.
Tom and Jerry had little to no voice actors in their cartoons.
But... hey, maybe the slapstick will be funny.
[sigh]
Even the slapstick is wrong.
I mean, THIS is Tom's yell.
Tom: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!
And this is the movie's.
Tom: YAAAAAAOOOOOOOWW!!!
God, that's not nearly as funny.
And look at this, when Tom get cut in half in the cartoon, it's humorous.
When Tom gets cut in the movie...
Oh my God, that's blood!
They actually show blood in this. What are they, fucking psychos?
Yeah, and here's a real joke.
"Creative Consultant: Joseph Barbera".
That means they just went up to him everyday and asked,
"Is this destroying your creation? Is this nothing like your original vision?"
"Yes."
"Good!"
So the film begins with Tom's owners moving away,
but Tom accidentally gets flung out of the car, and is forced to stay at home.
It turns out the owners moved just in time as their house is being bulldozed to the ground.
Tom and Jerry escape, but are left without a home.
So the two of them have to roam the streets looking for food and shelter.
These are the only good parts of the movie,
where Tom and Jerry try to decide whether to help each other out or not.
And all without any dialogue.
There's even a cute in-joke with a restaurant called Bill and Joe's, obviously referencing Bill Hanna and Joseph Barbera, the show's creators.
But it all goes downhill when they meet this singing gay dog and his obnoxious little flea named Franky.
Pugsy: Instead of bein' pals, you're fightin' like a cat and a mouse.
Franky: They ARE a cat and a mouse, Pugsy.
Pugsy: They gotta learn to be pals or they ain't gonna make it outta here.
It's like Peter Falk and George Carlin's secret love child.
Except a dog.
Pugsy: The name is Pugsy.
What's yours?
Tom: I'm Tom.
Jerry: I'm Jerry.
[spit-take]
WHAT THE HELL?!
DID THEY JUST TALK?!
Did Tom and Jerry, one of the most famous silent duos of all time just speak to each other?
No. No, no, no no no no.
It's gotta be a mistake,
I gotta be hearing things.
I'm gonna just go ahead and eat my customary three-pound watermelon
and drink my traditional pitcher of Sangria both at the same time,
while I confirm how wrong I was about this ridiculous misunderstanding.
Tom: Whaddya think I am, a dummy?
Jerry: You said it.
[violent spit-take]
HOLY CRAP!!
THEY TALKED!
THEY ACTUALLY TALKED!!
The apocalypse has finally begun,
pigs are learning how to fly,
Satan is skating his way to work,
and I'm pretty sure that I just became a monkey's uncle.
Unbelievable, I mean just unbelievable.
The one rule that you never break, and they broke it in the first ten minutes.
I mean, isn't that like one of the Ten Commandments or something?
Uh, thou shall not lie,
thou shall not covet they neighbor's wife...
TOM AND JERRY DON'T TALK.
But wait, it gets worse!
Not only can they talk, but they can also sing!
Tom: ♪We two, we're friends to the end♪
♪Ain't we, my friend?♪
Tom and Jerry: ♪You'll never find two other guys compatible, and steak and fries--♪
But wait! It gets worse!
Not only do they like to sing,
they like to sing about how they don't like chasing each other and how they enjoy being friends!
Pugsy/Frankie/Tom/Jerry: ♪The greatest gift in life's a friend♪
♪Pays a daily dividend♪
♪Be like us and start a trend♪
♪We're friends to the end!♪
Pugsy: Haha! Hey, you guys are the greatest! I love it!
Franky: You are terrific!
My God...
Tom and Jerry...
...are dead!
Alas, poor Tom and Jerry,
I knew them, viewing audience.
Two fellows of infinite jest of most excellent fancy.
They hath borne me on many hilarious antics a thousand times;
and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is.
My gorge rims at it, whatever the hell that means.
Here hung those lips that have been mangled I know not how oft.
Where be your screams now?
Your torn limbs?
Your shattered teeth?
Your set of bowling pins that were wont to set children and adults on a roar?
Not one now, to mock your antics.
Your skirt has fallen.
Now, get you to Hollywood's chamber, and tell them,
let them stop this douchebaggery that shocks and terrorizes those with most excellent humor,
and show them what made such great laughter so great.
Make them laugh at that...
shitfuckers.
Okay, so...
[sigh]
after Tom and Jerry become friends,
Pugsy is taken away - thank God - by a pair of Mexican wrestler dog catchers.
So Tom and Jerry set off on their own,
while running into a strange gang of alley cats, who like to do nothing more than to...
Cat Gang: ♪We got no time for taste♪
Sing another song?!
Oh, come on! I already had one song cut the nuts off my childhood,
I don't need another!
Look at this, it's like West Side Pussy,
I mean, how can anyone find this entertaining?
It's just torture!
Cat Gang: ♪What do we care about nice?♪
♪What do we care about sweet?♪
Oh yeah, I'm gonna be humming that tune all week.
[off-pitch grumble humming]
Fuck it.
So after they escape the singing cat gang, -
Good God, did really I just say that?
- they come across another shadow lurking in the alleyways.
Who the hell is this?
Robyn: I'm Robyn Sterling, I'm afraid I don't have a home anymore.
I'm sorry, umm, we're trying to shoot a movie here.
Is there any chance you could just kinda mosey along and, uh--
Robyn: I'm an orphan.
My mother died when I was a baby.
Sucks.
Um, you know, we have a lot of shooting to do,
and it's actually about Tom and Jerry, I'm sure it's gonna be very funny once it comes out,
but, uh, you're kind of in the way right now, so if you could just, y'know, kinda get outta the way, that'd be great.
Robyn: Aunt Figg was always calling me orphan.
She even stole my locket and threw it out the window, but I climbed down and found it.
You're really not gonna leave until we make a movie about ya, huh?
Robyn: Uh-huh.
Okay, alright.
Uhh, little rewrite here...
Uhhh...
All right, uhh... [ahem]
"Tom and Jerry: The Movie" is now about a little orphan who's trying to find her father, Indiana Jones,
while her evil aunt and lawyer go searching for her because apparently, she's worth a lot of money.
Oh, and there's a cat and mouse in there somewhere,
but that... that's not important.
So yeah, you're probably thinking,
"What the hell does this have to do with Tom and Jerry?"
Well, I guess the writers felt that the story needed a little bit more conflict,
'cause, you know, Tom and Jerry didn't have any conflict whatsoever.
So after talking under Exposition Bridge,
Tom, Jerry and Robyn decide to go back to her aunt's house,
because they figure a bad roof over their heads is better than no roof at all.
I never thought anyone could depict an actual representation of a Giant Purple People-Eater,
but if there's anything that comes close, it's Robyn's aunt, who seems to be consumed by one thing:
Lickboot: We've got to have...money!
Oh, sounds like the producers of this movie!
So they talk about what they're gonna do with Robyn and--
Oh no, please, not another one.
I'll do anything,
I'll do your taxes,
I'll shave your back,
I'll prostitute myself for money,
just PLEASE not another one!
Aunt Figg: ♪Money is such...♪
[screams in agony] ♪...a beautiful word♪
THESE FUCKING SONGS ARE HORRIBLE!
It's like Alan Menken's puke somehow mutated and started writing music!
Tom: That's disgusting.
So you might be asking yourself, "Is there *any* slapstick in this movie?"
Well there's a fat dog on a skateboard who seems to pester Tom and Jerry as they try to eat.
Fat Dog: Special, yeah... [laughs]
Oh yeah, and he sounds like Gollum.
But again, why isn't it Tom and Jerry doing all the slapstick?
I don't give a shit about the dog.
I'm just praying they put him to sleep by the end of the movie.
Jerry: That goes double for me.
After making a mess of the place,
Robin's aunt decides to send Tom and Jerry to a person who takes care of pets named Dr. Applecheeks.
By the way, have you noticed the strange names in this movie?
Dr. Applecheeks, Aunt Figg, Mr. Lickboot?
These are sounding more like abstract fetishes.
So it turns out Dr. Applecheeks holds rich pets ransom,
and gives them back to their owners for outrageous amounts of money.
How do I know this?
Because he sings about it, of course!
Dr. Applecheek: ♪Yes, animals are our business♪
♪A money-making business♪
I don't think so!
So while in the pet prison, guess who they bump into.
No, not him...
[gasp] YOU!! You killed Tom and Jerry!
You turned them into friends and ruined the franchise!
Pugsy: What?
[BANG!]
[squelch]
So Tom and Jerry escape and try to help Robyn get reunited with her father.
Hey look, it's Tom Sawyer and Hucklejerry Finn!
[nervous laughter]
I've been watching this movie too long.
But a giant ship separates our heroes as Robyn wakes up in an unknown house.
Robyn: [shriek]
Squawk (bird puppet): [scream]
Robyn: [shriek x2]
Oh my God. I'm in Hell, it finally happened.
Captain Kiddie: Great Squabbling Waffles!
[whistle blow]
Captain Kiddie: Avast and heaveto there mates!
You are the lucky guest of Captain Kiddie.
Oh yes, and my first mate, Squawk.
Robyn: [giggles] He's funny.
No, he's frightening.
So while Robyn is stuck watching Captain Kiddie's psychotic episode,
she manages to tell him where she's going.
Robyn: Tibet. Have you been to Tibet?
I don't know, why don't you sing about it?
Captain Kiddie: ♪I've done it all!♪
WHY DOES EVERYBODY HAVE A SONG IN THEM?!
DOESN'T ANYONE JUST SAY YES OR NO ANYMORE?!
Captain Kiddie: ♪And I slayed Carnegie Hall♪
Squawk: ♪Nothing at all♪
Captain Kiddie: ♪I've played Macbeth on ice♪
Shut up.
Squawk: ♪And got pneumonia twice♪
Shut up!
Captain Kiddie: ♪Guess you can't have it all♪
Squawk: ♪BRAAAK!♪
SHUT UP!!!
Captain Kiddie: ♪Then Montreal♪
Squawk: ♪The role was small♪
Captain Kiddie: ♪From Saskatoon to Minneap--♪
[BANG!]
[squelch]
So Tom and Jerry find Robyn,
but unfortunately, Captain Pedophile is holding her ransom for a million dollar reward that her aunt promised.
On top of that, Dr. Applecheeks hears about the reward and wants to get her too.
But unfortunately, he was tossed out of the car he was in,
so he has to find another form of transportation.
What the hell was that about?
Was he gonna...
sexually assault it, I mean, what the hell?
So Tom and Jerry help Robyn escape as they get on a boat which they, of course, know how to drive.
This results in a wild goose chase as everyone chases after Robyn in order to get the million dollar fortune.
So let me clarify this for those of you who might've missed it.
A cat and a mouse are driving a ship, trying to save the daughter of Indiana Jones
while being chased by a Purple People Eater,
a dog on a skateboard,
a performing ship captain,
his hand puppet Squawk,
two Mexican wrestlers,
and a doctor riding an ice cream cart.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the mindfuck!
So Robyn gets to the cabin where she thinks her dad is only to find the bad guys are there waiting for her.
But a lamp falls over and of course starts a fire, burning down the entire cabin.
I always love how one spark can set off a house fire in, like, two seconds.
Watch. (Click)
[BOOM]
You see?
It looks like all hope is gone for our three heroes, until...
[Indiana Jones Theme]
It's Robyn's father Indiana Jones!
Daddy Starling: Robyn! I'm coming, hang on!
[Theme continues]
He rescues his daughter and leaves Tom and Jerry to burn alive in the fire.
Wait. What?!
[scream]
Dude!?
Robyn: Tom! Jerry!
[Dramatic underscore as house collapses]
That's... dark.
Robyn: They're gone! My best friends are gone!
Daddy Starling: Don't cry, Robyn. We'll find them.
Or at least what's left of their charred remains.
Either way, we're eating tonight!
Oh, of course they're alive.
They've survived Thanksgiving dinners more threatening than that.
Tom: [Native American battle cry]
So Robyn and her father adopt the cat and mouse and invite them to live in their home,
where, of course, Tom and Jerry start doing what they SHOULD'VE been doing throughout this entire movie.
I love this little circle here, like
"Yep, that's what it's all about."
But nope, that's not what this film is about.
I'll tell you exactly what this film is about:
AN HOUR AND A HALF TOO LONG!!
This film is awful, the lowest form of shit!
It sucks ass!
[Rock Chord]
It sucks balls!
[Rock Chord]
It sucks assballs!
[Rock Chord 2x]
If I was to go back in time to tell the Tom and Jerry of 50 years ago
that they would be making a film of this caliber about them,
what do you think they'd have to say about it?
Tom: Don't you believe it!
I'm trying not to.
I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember, so you don't have to.
God, what a fuckload of ass!
[Rock Outro]