So as you know, we shoot the show here in Los Angeles.
So many great things about being in Los Angeles.
The weather, the beach, and you are never
more than a 10 minute drive from a Kardashian in any--
there's always one near you.
But there are some things that I can't do because I live here.
Like I can't be on Saturday Night Live
again, because it's in New York, and they also
tape six hours past my bedtime.
But I'm a huge celebrity, so I can do whatever I want.
And so I thought I would bring my favorite part of Saturday
Night Live here.
So for the first time ever it's Weekday Update
with Colin, Michael and me.
It's Weekday Update with Colin Jost, Michael Che,
and Ellen Degeneres.
Hi, everyone.
Are we going right into this?
Yeah this is how it works.
Like professional?
Yeah.
OK, I'll learn.
All right.
Good afternoon, everyone.
I'm Colin Jost.
And I'm Michael Che.
And I'm in the center of this hot man sandwich.
I'm Ellen DeGeneres.
The 70th primetime Emmys are September 17th, hosted
by Colin Jost and Michael Che, and they
have made some changes.
This year it's on Monday instead of Sunday.
Also this year if your acceptance speech
goes too long, Carty B will throw her shoe at you.
New research shows that one in seven adults
have tried electronic cigarettes.
A group known collectively as DJ's.
Not on your side, Colin.
A ventriloquist in Illinois was arrested
for distributing anti-government propaganda at Starbucks.
They are trying to make a case against him,
but his accomplice refuses to talk.
He's a dummy.
He can't talk.
Easy.
France recently banned the use of cell phones
for children in school.
According to one French official,
it's important for kids to have their hands free to smoke.
This week a 64-year-old man in Wisconsin
set a record by consuming his 30,000 McDonald's Big Mac.
The record is for longest suicide attempt.
That's a good one.
A man in Germany is claiming to have a set--
I'm sorry.
Has claimed to set a Guinness World
record for most body piercings.
Unfortunately his story has a few holes.
Several parents complain that kindergarten--
I didn't read that one earlier.
I thought it was fine.
I thought it was really good.
It was with the joke that was weak, not you.
It was me.
No, well then try it again.
Scroll back.
A man in Germany is claiming to have set a Guinness World
record for most body piercings.
Unfortunately his story that the holes in it.
Same amount of laughs.
All right.
At least he screamed the word Germany.
Everyone wants to hear that.
Several parents complained when a kindergarten
back to school event featured a pole dancer.
Let me rephrase that.
Several mothers complained when a kindergarten
back to school event featured a pole dancer.
Thank you.
Pinterest.
Any Pinterest fans here?
Sorry, I should have asked, are there any white women
here tonight?
Pintrest has a new feature that makes it more
accessible to blind people.
Even though one of the only perks of being blind
is that you never have to look at anyone's Pinterest.
A divorced woman in England wore her wedding dress
for a 10 K mud run.
Where she once again lost out to a younger woman.
What, you don't like that either?
They did, they were just sad.
According to a new poll, Taco Bell
was named the best Mexican restaurant in America.
The polls also said that Hillary was going to win.
So.
Too soon.
This is another fast food news.
The restaurant chain Just Salad has announced
they will no longer offer customers the option of having
their salads chopped up.
So don't sit there and tell me that white people don't
have it tough, too.
Yesterday was national bike to work day.
Though every day is bike to work day if you have enough DUIs.
That's good.
Several television hosts, including Steve Harvey,
Alex Trebec and Stephen Colbert started their new season
with beards, while Colin has had his beard since last season.
Wow.
I don't like that one.
They're just trying to rip us apart, Ellen.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I've got some breaking news here.
I'm told the breaking news is in my other ear, hold on.
I'm being told that we're out of time.
We have to go to break.
But first, Twitch is going to dance for it.
Twitch.
Hi, I'm Andy.
Ellen asked me to remind you to subscribe to her channel
so you can see more awesome videos,
like videos of me getting scared, or saying
embarrassing things.
Like ball peen hammer.
And also some videos of Ellen and other celebrities.
If you're into that sort of thing.
Yah!
[BLEEP] God [BLEEP]