We've developed in our work an acronym to guide parents it's the ideal response for discipline i
stands for immediate d stands for direct e stands for efficient a stands for action based and L
stands for level dat behavior not at the child so ideal I immediate we know that if you respond to
a child's behavior good or negative behavior within three seconds they will learn so when
the child does something good and you say wow that was nice using good your words or that was such a
good show and respect or while I love it when you look at me with those beautiful blue eyes when we
do that within three seconds or when a child needs to be redirected and they say something harsh and
we say well try it again if we say it immediately we know from brain research a child will learn if
we do it direct we ask parents to be within three feet of your children that's where I could reach
out and touch my child so direct to means that when I talk to my child and I say tell me about
your day I'm going to be my body poised towards their body and my eyes and my full attention
to them I am fully present to that child and I'm asking them to be present to me my eyes are there
for them I might reach and touch their shoulder that child is going to connect to me also when
I need to redirect a child or correct a child or even discipline a child I might say give me two
hands now do you want to try that with respect I'm not going to law words at the child hey go
make your bed hey stop doing that I'm going to go to the child or bring the child to myself and I'm
going to be immediate and direct I'm going to be efficient we have a lot of parents who are gone
after a mosquito with an elephant gun so the child does some things something minor and the parent
over reacts or reacts too harshly and so what we say is be efficient and we actually use what
we call levels of response we have four levels of response and a low level response the child might
say I'm not doing that and you might say to the child are you asking me or telling me oh could I
please not do that okay that was good asking so I can use playful engagement redirect a child most
of the time and then if a child moves on into well I'm I'm telling you I'm going to do that
and I might use choices sweetheart you've got two choices now I'm getting immediate direct you've
got two choices you can either color with the pencils or color with the crayons but you can't
use the markers if that was what the child was saying for example so I might use choices then
I might use compromises and actually in terms of being efficient some parents find it's counter
intuitive because something that we do a patch I'll Dwight say you're stupid and you're ugly
and I hate you and I'm not going to the library or I'm not going to bed and they've just done all
this mouthy stuff well they're they look like a pretty high challenge I'd call that a level
three challenge but I might be able to meet that level three challenge without starting a nuclear
race I might be able to say if you're asking for a compromise try it again and given good
words and the parent will said well why would you give that kid that was mouthy a compromise
and I would say because my goal is to give that child voice and to connect with them and do shared
problem-solving with them so the child might go like okay could I please not go to the library
it's really boring well sure that was good using your words thanks for using those good words with
me in every case I've been efficient I haven't used force I don't need for us I have relationship
so our discipline style on the ideal response is immediate direct efficient action based we know
from brain research that there's something called a sensory neural motor loop what it just means in
common terms is if I do the thing I heard about I have a body memory for it and so when a child does
the one thing they have a body memory for the wrong thing and my goal as a person who wants
to connect and empower my child I want to give my child the body memory for the right thing so
when a child with I've got something in my hand and a child grabs a pencil out of my hand I say
whoa stop put that back here now now my voice might change my demeanor will change my words
get slower I am no nonsense about this kind of behavior I'm not permissive about bad behavior
but I have a goal to reconnect and to guide this child to empower them and so I say to that child
put it here now now I don't take it back from them I want them to have body memory to give it
to me so I say here now and if the child resists I might wait I'm counting to myself because I know
my children are slower to respond because their brains are different so inside I'm going on to
three here now and so I'm slower and my voice a little bit louder a little bit lower in my tone
and my and my cadence is slowed and the child puts at in my hand now say thank you now do you want my
pencil mr. Cho says yes I'll say give me good words and ask for it and they'll say mom can I
use the pencil or Miss Karen can I use a pencil whatever child it is see of course you can that
was great asking here you go give me five now that child has the motor memory for doing the
right thing and now the path that was to the right thing now when we start out and I just
have to be honest I understand with the parents the path to the to the negative behavior might
be a eight lane freeway and the path to the behavior you want might be a little machete
chopped jungle vine bridge somewhere in the dense forest but every time my child practices with me
action based practice with me they chop away some more vine and this little jungle path can
also become a freeway and the last thing in our ideal response is clearly leveled at behavior not
at the child so when it's over I want three things I want the behavior to be changed or
corrected I want the child to be more connected to me than they were before and I want the child
to be content because they succeeded and I know that I'll be content because I helped
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