I feel like I’m gonna pee.
I didn’t even hear what you said.
- Hi, I'm Josh. - I'm Ollie.
Baaaah.
And this is Joel.
Our resident dad joke expert.
Because today we're going to be doing You Laugh, You Lose.
British dad joke edition.
So, how's this going to work, Josh?
Look, it's simple. You laugh, you lose.
Do you have jokes or is it just me and Joel?
You versus Joel.
It's not hard to make me laugh. I would lose this every single time.
Do you know how I prepared for this episode in this T-shirt?
No?
Planet.
I got a laugh!
Andy loved it.
Pity laugh? I'll take it.
All right. OK, let's just start.
How do you get…
A country girl's attention?
Country girl? OK.
I don't know.
A tract-or.
Attract her.
If you'd just said the word properly, the joke would've been better.
What was that?
If you enunciate properly it makes more sense.
When...
is a moon
not hungry?
- Full moon. - When it's full.
He got it. He answered it.
- That’s, like, the perfect tactic, - The most disappointing result.
To undermine the dad joke.
Wow, OK.
Oh, he's going to cry. Minus points.
- Oh, no. - Sorry.
- OK. Here we go. - Right, you ready?
No laughing allowed.
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.
That's what I get for buying
A purebred dog.
No, that's bad. That's so bad.
Where does the general keep his armies?
Up his sleevies.
I did not see that coming. I did not see that coming.
- Come on, Joel! - It doesn’t make sense!
What do you call a fish wearing a bow tie?
So-phish-ticated!
Oh, dear.
Sophisticated.
Is that the worst?
That is horrible.
That’s bad. That is bad.
Alright. Where are the Andes?
At the end of your armies.
I knew that one was coming!
I knew it was coming, as well.
- And yet I still couldn’t put one and two together. - After the sleevies.
Going off-script.
Two fish in a tank.
Aw yeah.
Josh is away
So I got another spon-song for you guys.
Unplugged.
My mind’s not what it used to be
Stopped again by security
I got locked out when the third time failed
I can’t read the dots, boy, I don’t speak braille
I need some help and I need it fast
Gotta get help, better get Nord Pass
Shop online, card details stored.
Worry not, friend. It’s all secure
Password health’s gonna keep you strong.
And the data breach scanner finds the peeping toms
You need help and you need it fast
Gotta get help, better get Nord Pass
And you know by now that you won’t pay full.
Get half price, 4 months free, sound cool?
Click on the direct link real fast.
Gotta get help, gotta get Nord Pass.
Two fish in a tank.
One says to the other, he says.
What does he say, Ollie? What does he say?
How do you drive this thing?
Ay!
Two birds on a perch, one turns to the other and says,
"Can you smell fish?"
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
That's good. Not funny, it’s good.
What do you call a fake noodle?
An im-pasta.
- Knock knock. - Who’s there?
- Why tank. - Why tank, who?
You're most welcome.
Why tank who. Why. Tank. Who.
Doesn’t exactly sound like, “Why, thank you”.
Why, thank you. Why, tank you.
I ordered a chicken and egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
Hmm?
- I don’t get it. - I don’t get it, either.
Which comes first?
Ohh. Wow.
That didn’t...
Maybe it was the delivery.
OK. OK.
We'll give you that, then. We’ll give you that.
The Roman Emperor’s wife hates playing hide and seek,
because wherever she goes Julius Caesar.
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Didn’t I have that joke?
"Where's my tractor?"
I don't get it.
That got the biggest laugh.
What does Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
I'll tell you. They both have, funnily enough,
The same middle name.
What’s orange and sounds like parrot?
Carrot.
Yes.
I don't know if I fully understand it.
This is a recipe for disaster.
Why do ships in Norway, which you've been to, so you’ll know this,
Have barcodes on their sides?
Why?
So that when they come into port,
You can Scandinavian.
Scan the navy in! That’s really good!
A guy walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder.
The bartender asks, “What's his name?”
The guy answers, “Tiny.”
"Why do you call him Tiny?" the bartender asks.
The guy replies,
“Because he's my newt.”
Why can you never hear a pterodactyl go into the bathroom?
Because the ‘p’ is silent.
- Nice. That’s good. - Oh, that's pretty good.
See the thing is when they’re too good, also you don't really get a laugh.
- You’re just impressed. - You’re just like, “That was clever.”
Just like, “Oh, I like it, I like it.”
My mum laughed when I told her I was going to build a car of spaghetti.
Should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
No, there’s too many pasta jokes.
So many pasta jokes.
Oh, you’ll know this. What's a Shih-Tzu?
Dog.
No, one with no penguins.
Grace!
The delay, it’s all about the delay.
One day I was walking down the road.
When I met a man with no toes.
Something about this really got to me.
So in character.
So I got home, walked up to my dad and said, “This guy has no toes.”
“Guess I'm lactose intolerant.”
Oh, my gosh.
All right, this is my last one. What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop!
That was nice.
This is a full-on paragraph, this one.
A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender looks at him and says, “We don't serve string here.”
So the string goes outside, twists himself up a bit, kind of roughs up his ends,
Walks back into the bar and orders a drink.
The bartender looks at him and says,
“Aren’t you that little piece of string that was here a few minutes ago?”
"I'm a frayed knot."
Stole the punchline!
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
Dunno...
- Well, there you go. - There you go.
- Sorry. Did I just do it again? - Stole that punchline, as well.
Last one, yeah.
You have another one?
Yeah, but it’s not very good. What’s green...
And if it falls out of a tree, it will kill you.
A crocodile?
Pool table.
Isn’t that a snooker table?
Pool tables are usually blue, aren’t they?
Alright. Well, guys, this has been…
Punishment.
Hope that’s been a nice distraction from the rest of your day.
It was all a bit pun, wasn’t it?
- We’ll see you JOLLY soon. - See you later.
Please tell me that wasn’t scripted.
It wasn’t.
There’s two birds in a perch,
One turns to the other and says, “How do you drive this thing?”
That’s all for today, guys.
Two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says,“Can you smell fish?”
Two tanks on a perch, one turns to the other, he says,
“Scandinavian.”
So dumb.
My gosh.
How do you…
- Two perches.. - How do you
Two perches on a fish.
One turns to the other and says,
“I must be lactose intolerant.”
Why am I laughing?
This is so dumb.
This is classic Joel humour.
Doesn’t make any sense but we’re all laughing for some reason.
- Two country girls in a tractor, - Oh no, oh no.
“Can you smell fish?”
I feel like I’m gonna pee.
I didn’t even hear what you said.
Oh, my gosh.
It’s not even, It’s not even creative.
Andy’s crying.
“Lactose intolerant”.
Alright. Well, hope you’ve enjoyed that.
Not exactly what you expected I’m sure but there you go.
That was a JOLLY time.
- We’ll see you JOLLY soon. - See you later.