Everybody has advice for expecting parents, first-time parents. Today, you get
the top 5 psychologist tips for expecting parents. My first tip for you
today is to be positive. When I say be positive I'm not talking the trite,
fluffy motivational speaker or expert guru on the stage version of be positive.
I'm talking about finding the proper way to operate the equipment. And when you
understand psychologically how that works,
it changes the game for you in parenting or really any other aspect of life.
You're going to see how it applies. There's another video here on the
channel called How to stay positive no matter what. You can cue it up to look at
next. And in that video, I talked about a model. And you'll understand what this is
once you look at the video. It's about 2 processes that are happening in our
mind the whole time. Evaluation and creation. And you're going to see in that
video just how to take a higher level of choice and control over those 2
processes in your mind. As I give you this first tip to be positive, notice I
didn't say "just" be positive which would totally diminish its value. Be positive
has to do with learning how to operate the equipment. That's why we're starting
there. My second tip for you as new parents or expecting parents is to be
open. There are a lot of people on this planet who have already done this.
Including your own parents. There's also experts and fellow parents who have
already learned things that you might not have to relearn if you're open to
their experience. Now, it's really common to want to do this
yourself your own way. And you will. You're going to establish your own
patterns and your own theories of how to do this parenting thing. But be open to
those who are around you. Now, a couple of tips about that. Pay attention to what
works and what doesn't work. I think our basic philosophy is to do
more of what works and less of what doesn't. Everybody that I just mentioned
to you, other parents, your own parents, experts have all tried things that work
and they've experienced some things that don't. So, be aware of that as you open
yourself up to the opinions and advice of others. Use your filters, okay? Just
like here on the internet you have to be careful rabout what you allow to
come in? Same thing here. And some of the advice that you're going to get is going
to be a whole lot better than others. Turn on some good filters in your own
mind so that you're open and you will consider what's shared with you but then
you use your filters to decide what you're going to implement. Tip number
3, be chill. We get way too uptight about certain things. And it's not that
we shouldn't worry because there's plenty to worry about,
right? When Vicki and I started having our children, we were both graduate
students in fields that required some knowledge and study in the area of child
development. Well, when we were going to school, they told us everything that
could go wrong, all the disorders and all the syndromes that could happen. And you
know what? With everything that could go wrong, it's amazing that we have as good
a track record as we do with kids just kind of turn it out normal. And normal is
the norm. That's why we call it normal. So, don't freak out too much about
everything that could go wrong. And if something happens, your child is born
a syndrome or a disorder or some kind of a diagnosis. Okay,
other people have handled that too. And after the initial shock of things, if
something like that were to happen, you settle into your normal. You'll create it.
And you can handle anything that comes up. So, be chill. Most of this comes pretty
naturally and you'll be able to learn the other skills and resources that are
necessary for you as a parent through consultation and through education and
through experience. You've got this. One other comment about being chill, you know,
it's pretty normal for parents and especially new parents to have very
lofty goals and ideas about what their kids are going to be like and what they're
going to be able to accomplish. And I think that your kids are going to be really
awesome. Having said that, the reality of our world in our life is average. And
that's why we call it average. Most babies grow up to be... Well, people. Average
people who have strengths and who have weaknesses. In this way, we can take some
of the pressure off of yourself first of all but also this relieves some of the
pressure from your kids. They don't have to show up and become this perfect being.
Just let them be people. Tip number 4, be committed. Absolutely 100% committed.
You jump in with both feet. As a parent, you are taking on the most important job
in the world. So, be committed to that and fully invested. Now, there are some
priorities to be aware of. First of all, your job as a parent and if you've been
here on the channel at all before you've heard me say this. Your job as a parent
is to love them your children love them no matter what and even if. Now, we can
play the even if game. Even if they don't obey you? Yes.
Even if they hate you? Oh, they'll never say that to you probably. Yes. Even then
even if they fail? Even if they're incarcerated? Even if they do something
heinous? Yeah. Even if and maybe especially when, that's
your job as a parent, you've got that? Let that sink in because you will be
deceived into thinking that your job is to make sure that they...
Whatever.
To make sure that they are safe. Make sure that they are productive citizens. Make sure
that they are at the top of their class. You can't do this. You will drive
yourself crazy and you'll irritate and annoy your kids to no end. Your job is to
love them no matter what and even if. Now, let's keep our priorities straight
because you're gonna love those kids. You are. It's in your very being to do that.
But there's some priorities that we've got to be aware of. Within a family, the
hierarchy of relationships includes self first, okay? You got to be good to
yourself. One of the best gifts that you can give your child is a fully
functioning healthy parent. And do not expect your kids to take care of you. You
got to do that. Your job is to take care of you. Second, your spouse. Now, if you're
a single parent, there's some challenges with that. My hat goes off to you and you
can kind of skip this step if you're a single parent. But if you are in a
partnership or a marriage or a place where you have a co-parent, that is your
second priority and third is your kids. Fourth by the way is extended family. So,
all those other people who have opinions about how you should raise your kids,
yeah, they're important. But they're not as important to you as your kids. And
your kids aren't even as important as your your spouse, your partner, okay? So, get the
priorities straight. Now, I promised you 5. So, here's number 5.
Stay humble and be prepared to be surprised. Now, why would I give you that
as a tip? Mostly because I think that life is an adventure. In fact, Helen
Keller said it this way: "Life is either a grand adventure or it is nothing." You are
signing up for some grand adventures and you get to prepare to be surprised. I
remember a movie called Dan in real life. Where the main character said this
toward the end of the film. He said, "I think we do our kids in this service. We
should teach them to expect to be surprised." And then when the surprises
happen it's not going to tip them over. It's not going to tip you over when you
prepare to be surprised. Let those surprises be gifts in your
life. You might feel disappointed at first. That's okay because when our
expectations aren't met, we feel some disappointment and that can tip us over
emotionally a little bit. But it's also a surprise. And surprises are awesome.
Expect to be surprised. And teach your kids to do that as well. I think we would
really roll with all the hard stuff that happens in our life a little better if
we could do that. I hope you're seeing that you don't have to do this alone. In
fact, I've got your back. My team at Live On Purpose and I have put together some
amazing resources just for you. Head on over to
DrPaulJenkins.com.
D-R, Paul,
Jenkins, ".com". You're going to find some awesome resources there come and be
a part of our community.