WELCOME, WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
THAT'S RIFHT, IT'S NATIONAL LIMA BEAN RESPECT DAY!
THAT'S RIGHT!
THE WORLD'S MOST RESPECTABLE EDIBLE!
TODAY'S ALL ABOUT GETTING BAKED...
BEANS.
REMEMBER, YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIKE LIMA BEANS TODAY.
BUT YOU DAMN SURE BETTER RESPECT THEM.
YOU TAKE OFF YOUR HAT WHEN YOU EAT THAT BEAN, MISTER!
BEANS, BEANS THE MAGICAL FRUIT, THE MORE YOU EAT,
THE MORE YOU SALUTE!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW...
I'M SERIOUS.
AS WE ALWAYS DO ON THIS SOLEMN DAY, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE
OFFICIAL LIMA BEAN RESPECT DAY TIMELINE.
AS YOU CAN SEE, IN THE 1500s, LIMA BEANS ARE DISCOVERED.
NEXT MAJOR EVENT-- 2000s: NATIONAL LIMA BEAN
RESPECT DAY.
( LAUGHTER )
JUST THOSE TWO.
THEY SPENT THE 500 YEARS IN BETWEEN GETTING SHOVED UNDER THE
MASHED POTATOES.
( LAUGHTER )
OF BEAN, 4/20 IS ALSO THE UNOFFICIAL HOLIDAY FOR
MARIJUANA.
NOW--
OKAY.
TIME FOR ALL YOU DOOBIE-LOVIN' POTHEADS TO GET UP TO YOUR USUAL
SMOKEY HIJINKS: FOLDING LAUNDRY AND HOPING HALF A GUMMY WILL
HELP YOU FALL ASLEEP.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
PARTY!
THIS YEAR IS A A BIG ONE FOR 4/20, BECAUSE NEW POLLING SHOWS
37% OF AMERICANS SAY THEY USE WEED, WHILE THE REMAINING 63%
SAY THEY WERE JUST HOLDING IT FOR A FRIEND.
AND THE TIDE SEEMS TO BE TURNING ON LEGALIZATION.
TWO-THIRDS OF AMERICANS WANT RECREATIONAL MARIJUANA USE TO BE
LEGAL UNDER FEDERAL LAW AND IN THEIR OWN STATE.
NOW--
IF YOU SMOKE, OBVIOUSLY, YOU WANT IT TO BE LEGAL.
BUT EVEN AMONG THOSE WHO SAY THEY NEVER USE MARIJUANA, A
MAJORITY FAVOR LEGALIZATION.
WELL, THAT MAKES SENSE.
MARIJUANA IS TAME COMPARED TO OTHER CONTROLLED SUBSTANCES.
ITS MOST DANGEROUS SIDE EFFECT IS MAKING HACKY SACK SEEM LIKE A
SPORT.
( LAUGHTER )
HELP FIGHT RACISM, BECAUSE BLACK PEOPLE ARE 264% MORE LIKELY THAN
WHITE PEOPLE TO BE ARRESTED FOR CANNABIS POSSESSION, EVEN THOUGH
THEY USE AT SIMILAR RATES.
OKAY, THAT STAT COMES FROM A TRUE AUTHORITY ON RECREATIONAL
MARIJUANA: THE TWITTER FEED OF BEN & JERRY'S.
( LAUGHTER )
THAT INFORMATION, BECAUSE NO ONE KNOWS CANNABIS LIKE THE GUYS WHO
INVENTED PHISH FOOD, CHERRY GARCIA AND STEPHEN COLBERT'S
AMERICONE DREAM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
THERE YOU GO.
OH, YEAH.
THERE YOU GO.
MMM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ALREADY.
ALL PROCEEDS TO CHARITY.
OF COURSE, THE TRIPPIEST TRUTH ABOUT MARIJUANA IS THAT EVEN
THOUGH IT'S LEGAL IN 37 STATES, RECREATIONAL MARIJUANA USE
REMAINS ILLEGAL AT THE FEDERAL LEVEL, BECAUSE G.O.P. LAWMAKERS
STILL OPPOSE LEGALIZING WEED.
COME ON, MITCH McCONNELL!
DON'T BE A SQUARE.
OR WHATEVER SHAPE YOU ARE
I WANT TO SAY...
DECORATIVE GOURD?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ONE--
THERE YOU GO.
( BLEEP ).
THERE YOU GO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
MY DOCTOR SAYS IT'S ONE OF THE BEST SOURCES OF WAFFLE CONE
CHUNK.
ONE BRIGHT SPARK IN THIS WEEK'S NEWS-BOWL IS THAT NEW JERSEY IS
ABOUT TO BEGIN ADULT RECREATIONAL CANNABIS SALES.
THAT IS EXCITING NEWS, BUT IT MEANS NEW YORKERS WILL HAVE TO
DO THE UNTHINKABLE: DRIVE TO NEW JERSEY ON PURPOSE.
( LAUGHTER )
SUPPORTED BY STATE RESIDENTS, WHO CAN NOW LOOK FORWARD TO
JERSEY-SPECIFIC STRAINS LIKE: JON BONG JOVI,
BRUCE SPRINGSTRAIN, JOINT STEWART,
AND OF COURSE, STONEY SOPRANO'S GANJAGOO
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE WEIRDEST PART--
THE WEIRDEST PART OF THIS STORY IS THAT JERSEY WILL START SALES
TOMORROW, ON 4/21, THE DAY AFTER 4/20!
WHAT ARE THEY, HIGH?
HAD
THAT'S NOT LEGAL 'TIL TOMORROW!
BUT NOT EVERYBODY IN THE HYDROPONIC GARDEN STATE MIGHT
GET TO ENJOY THE MARY JANE, BECAUSE AT A PRESS CONFERENCE,
NEW JERSEY GOVERNOR PHIL MURPHY SAID HE'S OPEN TO CHANGING THE
RULES TO EFFECTIVELY BAR POLICE OFFICERS FROM GETTING HIGH WHILE
THEY'RE OFF DUTY.
IT'S ALL PART OF GOVERNOR MURPHY'S PLAN TO DEFUND THE
POLICE.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
WHY NOT?
I'M NOT SURE THAT WAS WORTH THAT.
NOT SURE THAT WAS WORTH THAT.
BUT YOU GOTTA BE CAREFUL IF YOU'RE GETTING YOUR CANNABIS IN
THE FORM OF EDIBLES, BECAUSE EXPERTS SAY COPYCAT PACKAGING OF
POPULAR SNACKS COULD LEAD TO DANGEROUS MIX-UPS WITH YOUR
EDIBLES.
TAKE A LOOK AT ONE THESE PACKAGES:
THOSE AREN'T REGULAR DORITOS YOU EAT WHEN YOU'RE HIGH.
THEY'RE DORITOS YOU EAT WHEN YOU WANT TO GET HIGH.
AND I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY WENT WITH "NACHO CHEESE" FLAVOR AND
COMPLETELY MISSED THE OBVIOUS: "ARE YOU COOL?...
RANCH."
( LAUGHTER )
ONE SPOKESPERSON FOR THE NATIONAL CONFECTIONERS
ASSOCIATION, WHICH IS A REAL THING, SAID THIS:
"MANY CANNABIS EDIBLES COMPANIES ARE OVERSTEPPING ON MARKETING IN
AN EGREGIOUS WAY."
CAREFUL.
WE'VE ALL SEEN WHAT HAPPENS TO PEOPLE WHO PISS OFF CANDY
MAKERS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ).
I NEED A CUP OF COFFEE.
I NEED--
NOW, NOT ALL THE "NUGS" ARE "DIGGITY-DANK," AS THE COOL KIDS
DEFINITELY SAY.
IN FACT, THE FOLKS AT "VICE NEWS" DECIDED TO LOOK FOR THE
WORST WEED IN THE WORLD, WHICH IS EVIDENTALLY A PARAGUAYAN
VARIETY CALLED "PARAGUAYO."
IT'S COMPACTED INTO A BRICK TO MAKE IT EASIER TO SMUGGLE,
OFTEN MIXED WITH MARMALADE TO HELP IT STICK TOGETHER AND
COMPACT.
MARMALADE MARIJUANA IS, OF COURSE, THE KIND FAVORED BY
"POTTINGTON BEAR."
( LAUGHTER )
ENOUGH, THE GANGS WHO PRESS THE BRICKS REGULARLY LEAVE THE SEEDS
INSIDE, WHICH RELEASE A URINE-ISH SMELL INTO THE
MARIJUANA, WHICH COULD BE TOUGH TO EXPLAIN.
( AS MOM, SNIFFING )
IN THERE?"
"NO, MOM!
IT'S FINE!
ME AND MY BUDDIES ARE PEEING ON EACH OTHER!
IT'S FOR RAY SCHOOL PROJECT!" CONGRESS, CONGRESS-- THIS WOULD
BE A GREAT YEAR TO LEGALIZE CANNABIS NATIONALLY.
BECAUSE I THINK WE ALL NEED A LITTLE SOMETHING TO TAKE THE
EDGE OFF.
SO FAR, THIS YEAR'S ALL EDGE.
FOR INSTANCE, WE ARE ALMOST EIGHT WEEKS INTO PUTIN'S ATTACK
ON UKRAINE.
AFTER A BRIEF LULL, RUSSIA LAUNCHED A MASSIVE ASSAULT ON
THE EASTERN DONBAS REGION THAT THE KREMLIN CALLS "ANOTHER
PHASE" OF ITS UKRAINE INVASION.
OH, SURE, JUST ANOTHER PHASE PUTIN IS GOING THROUGH.
THIS YEAR IT'S WAR CRIMES.
LAST YEAR IT WAS GOTH.
( LAUGHTER )
HEAVY LOSSES, BOTH MILITARILY AND ECONOMICALLY AND,
REPORTEDLY, KREMLIN INSIDERS ARE NOW ALARMED OVER THE GROWING
TOLL OF PUTIN'S WAR IN UKRAINE.
CAREFUL.
KREMLIN INSIDERS HAVE A WAY OF BECOMING KREMLIN OUTSIDERS,
ESPECIALLY IF THEY'RE SITTING NEAR A WINDOW.
( LAUGHTER )
BUNCH OF DIMITRI DOWNERS, PUTIN HAS ISOLATED HIMSELF FURTHER,
RELYING ON A NARROWING CIRCLE OF HARDLINE ADVISERS.
ONLY THE MOST FEARED AND DESPISED REMAIN AROUND PUTIN'S
GIANT TABLE: JOSEPH STALIN'S MUSTACHE, THE GUY WHO KILLED
JOHN WICK'S DOG, SHAKE FROM "LOVE IS BLIND,"
"BRIDGERTON'S LORD FEATHERINGTON,
THE MYPILLOW GUY, BUT, OF COURSE, PUTIN'S CRUELEST
ADVISER...
IS POTATO.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SPEAKING-- LONG WALK.
LONG WALK.
>> Jon: ♪ I'M WALKING, YES INDEED.
>> Stephen: SPEAKING OF COUCH POTATOES: NETFLIX.
TODAY, THEIR STOCK PRICE DROPPED OVER 35% AFTER THEY ANNOUNCED
THEY HAD LOST 200,000 SUBSCRIBERS.
THAT'S A LOT!
EXPLAINS WHY THEY'VE CHANGED THEIR POP-UP MESSAGE FROM
"ARE YOU STILL WATCHING?" TO "COME BACK!
PLEASE!
I CAN CHANGE!
DO YOU WANT DVDs AGAIN?!"
NETFLIX IS BLAMING THE LOSS OF SUBSCRIBERS ON A COMBINATION OF
FACTORS, LIKE THE GROWTH OF COMPETITIVE SERVICES.
YEAH, THEY'RE NOT THE ONLY GAME IN TOWN ANYMORE.
IT USED TO BE JUST "NETFLIX AND CHILL."
NOW YOU CAN "HBO MAX AND RELAX," "HULU AND WOO-HOO," AND
"PEACOCK."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NETFLIX, USED TO-- USED TO GO-- REALLY?
REALLY?
I'M SURPRISED.
SLIGHTLY SURPRISED.
NETFLIX USED TO BE THE GO-TO SPOT FOR BIG TV AND FILM, BUT
NOW, OTHER STREAMERS HAVE TAKEN BACK A LOT OF STUFF THAT USED TO
RUN ON NETFLIX AND PUT IT ON THEIR OWN SERVICES.
YEAH, LIKE "STAR TREK."
THAT USED TO BE ON NETFLIX, AND NOW IT'S EXCLUSIVELY ON
PARAMOUNT+ PARAMOUNT+, A MOUNTAIN OF RERUNS
WE NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D PAY FOR.
NETFLIX IS ALSO BLAMING THE SUBSCRIBER SLOWDOWN ON
PASSWORD SHARING AND VOWING TO CRACK DOWN.
WHAT?!
ABSOLUTELY NOT!
YOU HAVE THE LEGAL RIGHT TO USE YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND'S PASSWORD
UNTIL SHE GETS MARRIED.
THEN YOU RETURN IT TO HER AS A WEDDING GIFT.
( LAUGHTER )
TONIGHT, MY GUESTS ARE ALEXANDER
SKARSGARD AND MUSICIAN JACK WHITE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH IS SAD
THANKS TO RON DeSANTIS.
STICK AROUND, FRIENDS.