Welcome back to the show.
As any Russian dissident can tell you,
one super fun feature of creeping totalitarianism
is the way politics seeps into every corner
of private life and ruins the things you used to enjoy,
like weekends.
Remember those?
Also, romance, your book club, church, schul, even
your favorite comedy shows.
Lord, we need a break.
Let's spend a few minutes on something
that's wholesome, good, and untainted by politics-- food!
In our new segment, Governor Scott Walker
has a horrifying relationship with food, a
full frontal Insta-vestigation.
I'm sorry, that's as far from politics
as this show can manage.
Now, you may recall the Wisconsin governor got
some attention in November for his unique take
on the lunch Instagram.
To me, ham and cheese is something I've
had for, boy, about 25 years.
Two ham and cheese sandwiches most days
packed in a brown bag.
I'm just a normal guy.
Yeah, unless you're a koala bear
eating the same thing every day for a quarter century,
isn't normal.
That is 19,000 ham sandwiches.
You've eaten more pig than Kermit the Frog.
Now, sure, there's nothing wrong with brown
bagging your lunch to work every day.
I myself bring a homemade kale and garlic melange
that my staff fondly says smells like a rabbit's resected bowel.
What I don't do is publicly document my gross lunch over
and over and over and over and over,
like Andy Warhol with a fucking soup can.
Who the hell is this, an ad for your lunch's one man show?
But Scott's "sad-which" is only the beginning of this
story slash cry for help.
Our researchers discover that Governor Walker consumes
enough garbage to kill a junkyard rat, a steady diet
of fast food, corn dogs and waffles, cheese curds with ice
cream, chili, sad gray meat, miscellaneous deep
fried things, some sort of heavy cream jello salad, a village's
annual meat ration, the human atrocity that is circus
peanuts, and something that's either raw hamburger
with chunks of cheese in it or a Scott Walker stool sample.
I am just kidding about that last one.
Scott Walker clearly has not moved
his bowels since the 1980s.
Now, Walker's staff can't even be catty about Hillary Clinton
without working in Big Macs.
Stuck up bitch doesn't paw the McDonald's staff?
Lock her up.
But Walker's Insta-ham feed is just the tip of the iceberg,
the Titanic kind of iceberg, not the vegetable
that Scott Walker carefully picks off his hogi
before gulping it like an Anaconda
while three guys stand around waiting to Heimlich him.
We're in Milwaukee, live at the Wisconsin state fair,
and look who we found.
Governor Scott Walker joining us this morning.
Good morning. [INTERPOSING VOICES]
72 new food items, and one of them is deep fried chocolate
chip cookie bites from Saz's.
Can you imagine that? - That sounds perfect.
You could eat it for breakfast.
Breakfast-- oh my god, are you five?
Wait a minute.
The guy loves state fairs, eats like a small child,
is stuck in the Reagan era.
Oh my god, did a young Scott Walker go to a state fair
and wish to be big on a Zoltar machine, [GASP] then
realize that being an adult sucks
so now he's trying to eat himself to death?
If so, it's a mission that literally
nothing can deter him from.
He tried to eat a Philly cheese steak in peace, while two men
stood behind him holding up signs
reading "Scott Walker sniffs his own poop," and "Scott Walker
their lives inside my butt."
Oh, no, silly protesters.
The idea of living in your butt can't ruin Walker's appetite.
He just imagines all the delicious undigested
corn he'd find in there.
Now, you may be wondering, does the care
and feeding of Walker's mutant tapeworm leave him
any time to sign laws?
Indeed it does.
Wisconsin Governor, Scott Walker,
has signed off on the first bill to pass
the legislature this season, and it's all about cheese.
See, state lawmakers know if they want the governor
to swallow a bill, they just have
to hide it in a hunk of cheese.
What's the best cheese to wrap a 20 week abortion ban in?
Colby's our state cheese, but I love cheddar.
Done!
And what cheese goes with a budget stripping Wisconsin
workers of their living wage?
Just about any cheese as long as it's from Wisconsin
is pretty good.
That is true of cheese, maybe not true of politicians.
The only people who spend more time
thinking about food than Walker are
people who can't afford to eat.
Unfortunately, Walker thinks about them a lot, too.
NEWSCASTER: In Milwaukee, Governor Scott Walker
says parents of children ages 6 to 18
should have to work or get job training to keep
their good share benefits.
We fundamentally believe that public assistance should
be a trampoline, not a habit.
Oh, please.
Like you've ever stepped on a trampoline.
One jump and you'd be puking up 25 years of undigested ham.
Actually, Governor Walker would prefer public assistance
to be an obstacle course.
NEWSCASTER: Walker sent Trump a letter yesterday
asking that his incoming administration not
block a state law requiring drug tests for childless adults
on food stamps.
Yeah, if you're looking for people getting high,
maybe start by testing the dude eats like a sophomore reggae
aficionado.
Humiliating the needy by making them piss in a cup
before eating sounds like a great idea.
I know.
But it turns out to be pointless and wasteful.
When it was tried elsewhere, they found only 2.6%
of welfare recipients tested positive for illegal drugs,
well below the general population.
And anyway, last I checked, weed was a lot less hazardous
to your health than turning your body into the Midwest's
biggest hog rendering plant.
So what does Mr. Small Government think Wisconsinites
should splurge on?
Governor Scott Walker announcing today
the upcoming state budget will include a request
for $6 million to upgrade the cream puff pavilion there
at State Fair Park.
$6 million.
Sorry, kids, we spent your foodbank
money making the cream puff pavilion better, stronger,
fatter.
Honestly, I don't care what Scott Let-Them-Eat-Ham Walker
puts in his gaping mouth.
But if he wants to keep pandering to his base by making
it harder for hungry people to get basic sustenance,
then might I suggest he sate his appetite
by eating a bag of Dick's.