Sex advice in media is primarily targeted toward and
written by young people,
especially women.
Why is this basic human act limited
to such a select group?
Arlene Heyman is a psychiatrist who
wrote a book that focuses on sex among older people.
She spent years investigating how aging
is weirdly equated with asexuality.
In so many areas of life,
we turn to
elders immediately.
and yet for sexual advice,
that's not really on the table.
There's a barrier between generations.
You want to be involved sexually with people
your own age, and you're pushing off everybody.
People fifteen years older, twenty years older are toxic,
so you go with your cohort.
There's clearly wisdom to be had from people who have
had entire lifetimes of lives that included sex.
And yet this is an untapped gold mine.
I set out to tap this gold mine.
A lot of the relationship advice that is in media
is in sort of glossy magazines that are coming from
people like me that don't have that much wisdom
so we're hoping to look to people who are a little further
in life to reflect on what makes a relationship work.
I really care about the person.
I'm humanistic now, where I wasn't before.
So no games?
No, no games.
They tell me oh, they haven't had a discussion
like this in so long.
We'll sit and talk for two hours, three hours.
I wasn't like that when I was younger.
I'm just an outgoing, which I always wasn't
but once it started, it was fun.
And it was easy.
And so I continued.
So be more outgoing?
Yes, more sure of myself.
At the end of the day, the thing is communication.
Keep that going.
And as for the boudir, well,
You gotta keep that going, too.
Being inventive and open to new things?
Oh yeah, get that pole! Dress up like a puppy.
Who cares.
Clearly, there's a lot to be learned.
Not only in sustaining a relationship, but also,
starting a new one.
Herta Weiss is 92 and just embarked on a new
relationship after a 70 year marriage.
You currently are seeing someone?
Yes.
And how did that come about?
I was walking on the plaza, and a man came up to me
and he said, "Is your name Herta?"
I said, "Yes."
"Well I heard about you." Heard about - Herta.
You probably get that a lot.
No, I do it myself.
I'm such a nut.
Before that you were married for?
About 70, 80 years.
Can I ask about physical intimacy?
Sure.
The role in a relationship as it progresses
through the years?
Yes, I had a wonderful relationship with my husband.
He was a lover, and I enjoyed it very much.
With David, it's a little different. He's a little older.
And he still wants to do the same things
that a young guy does.
But it's not that easy any more.
And I say to him, "Not today, next week."
But if a man is nice and talks to you in a nice way,
then you enjoy being with that person and vice versa.
It goes both ways.
I would not give it up for anything.
There's this idealized image of sex among the young,
and then the young suffer terribly.
Because they don't reach that idealized image at all.
They worry how they're doing.
There's all kinds of worries at all ages.
You have one real advantage if you're aging
with someone whom you care about,
which is you're kind to each other,
you know each other, you know what will work,
what will help, and you're less frightened to say,
"Please do this. Stop rubbing there. Rub over here."
That hurts.
Slow down. If you keep rubbing me like this,
my skin will come off.
You're less afraid of being rejected for asking
for what you want.
I think women in particular have a hard time
asking for what they want.
So the advice industry is exclusive and misleading.
There are experts all around us.
When you ask them about sex advice,
they tend to tell you less about how to
ace an oral sex exam
and more about how to be a good person.
Do you have any advice to my generation
about approaching relationships?
Yes, yes.
What I think is very important is
to make the woman what we used to call hot.
Get into their life.
Make them feel great to come away with something.
This. Communication is the key all the time.
To everything.
Even intimacy.
Do you have advice for your 33-year-old self about sex?
Be kind.
Be kind to whomever you're sleeping with.
I would say to somebody like you
You're so good looking and so sweet.
I would love to have you in my arms rights now.
What do you say?
Let's go and do something.
And she'll say no I'm busy. I gotta get up a 5 am.
Well it doesn't have to be now. But another time.
This is what I would like.
Because I love you and you're beautiful.
If she says yes, then of course you can make a plan.
But if she says, you know I'm not for that.
I like you, but I'm not into that.
Then you say, well I'm sorry, but I need more than that.
You let it go.
Let it go. Don't push it too much.