WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN LATE.
THE SHOW PREMIERED LAST NIGHT,
AND I'M HAPPY TO SAY WE MADE IT
TO DAY TWO, EVERYBODY.
TWO, TWO.
( APPLAUSE )
THIS IS GREAT, BECAUSE I BELIEVE
THAT'S WHEN MY HEALTH INSURANCE
KICKS IN, AND I ALMOST NEEDED A
HEART TRANSPLANT LAST NIGHT.
BECAUSE A FUN THING HAPPENED AND
I'M TELLING YOU THIS IS AN
ABSOLUTELY TRUE STORY I'M ABOUT
TO TELL YOU.
THE SHOW ALMOST DIDN'T GET ON
THE AIR LAST NIGHT.
IT WAS A LITTLE LONG.
IT WAS A DOUBLE-STUFFED OREO,
STUFFED WITH OTHER OREOS.
YOU KNOW FOR A SHOW YOU WANT TO
DO A LOT.
WE HAD TO CUT SOME STUFF WE
LOVED.
DEFINITELY GO TO
www.colbertlateshow.com, CHECK
OUT JEB BUSH DOING HIS BEST
DONALD TRUMP IMPRESSION.
IT'S GREAT.
IT MAKES HIM SEEM SIMULTANEOUSLY
MORE ELECTABLE AND LESS
PRESIDENTIAL.
IT'S WORTH THE TRIP.
I PROMISE YOU, IT'S WORTH THE
TRIP.
IT WAS FUN.
I'M VERY GRATEFUL THE GOVERNOR
CAME ON LAST NIGHT.
SEEMS LIKE A GOOD GUY.
POSSIBLE I WOULD VOTE FOR HIM.
GO TO THE WEB SITE, AND SEE SOME
FOOTAGE I HAD 2 CUT ABOUT ME AND
GEORGE CLOONEY TALKING ABOUT
HUMAN RIGHTS I HAVE LAILINGSES
AND THE NIPPLES ON HIS BATMAN
COSTUME.
BOTH CONVERSATIONS VERY
UNSETTLING.
HERE'S THE THING.
IT TOOK US A WHILE TO CUT THE
SHOW DOWN TO TIME, AND WHEN WE
TRIED TO SEND IT TO THE NETWORK
SO THEY COULD SHOW IT TO YOU ON
AIR, THE COMPUTERS KEPT
CRASHING.
YEAH, YEAH.
LAUGH YEAH, AND AGAIN, 11:20,
AND, AGAIN, THIS ACTUALLY
HAPPENED.
NO ONE IN THE BUILDING COULD
GIVE ME A GUARANTEE FOR CERTAIN
THAT THE SHOW WAS GOING TO GO ON
THE AIR LAST NIGHT.
SO YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW EXCITING
THAT WAS FOR ALL OF US.
AFTER CBS HAD PLASTERED MY FACE
ON NEARLY EVERY FLAT SURFACE ON
THE PLANET, OKAY.
THIS-- THIS-- THIS WAS SUPPOSED
TO BE A SURPRISE, BUT THE POPE
ACTUALLY IS TATTOOED WITH MY
FACE, ALL RIGHT.
THE POPE HAS A TRAMP STAMP OF MY
FACE RIGHT HERE.
THAT'S HOW GOOD CBS' MARKETING
HAS BEEN.
AND AFTER ALL THAT, MAYBE WE
WOULDN'T GO ON THE AIR.
AND AS I FELT THE OXYGEN BEGIN
TO DRAIN FROM MY BRAIN AND ALL
MY ORGANS SHUTTING DOWN, I
THOUGHT IF WE ACTUALLY MAKE IT
TO AIR, THIS WILL BE A PRETTY
GOOD STORY.
AND IF WE DON'T, IT'LL STILL BE
A VERY INTERESTING STORY AT THE
THEATER CAMP I WILL BE RUNNING
IN IDAHO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BOW!
RIKAH!
BUT IN THE CLUTCH-- AND I HAVE
TO THANK THEM, OUR TALENTED
TECH TEAM MANAGED TO GET THE
SHOW OUT OF THE HARD DRIVES AND
ON THE AIR.
AND I'M STILL NOT SURE WHAT THE
PROBLEM WAS, BUT IF YOU'RE
SEEING THIS RIGHT NOW, IT MEANS
WE FIXED IT.