From fruity flies to peanut butter jewels, we look at 8 true facts that sound totally
made up.
8.
Bad Neighbours • North Korea and Finland are super far
apart, right?
The home of Black metal and darkness seems an entire world away from Kim Jong-un and
his crazy Dennis Rodman loving ass.
• But technically these countries are only separated by only one country; the glorious
land of Mother Russia.
There are a heap of neighbouring nations close by but because of the way Russia curves around,
there’s only one nation between them.
The distance is over 4,000 miles of Soviet goodness.
• So if North Korea was the balls and Finland was the anus, Russia would be the holy mother
gooch that stood between them.
That’s right, if you massage Russia just right, North Korea will blow their load.
7.
Chocolate Bugs • The average chocolate bar contains about
eight insect parts.
That’s cockroach legs, ant arms and other appendages.
• Apparently these contaminants are unavoidable because the bugs live on farms where cocoa
beans are sourced.
Stupid nature, making awesome stuff gross.
And it turns out people that think they’re allergic to chocolate might just be allergic
to all the ground up cockroaches in their Snickers.
• Thanks a lot Cadbury.
Get me addicted to your delicious goodness and force feed me bug corpses, you sick fucks!
Why don’t I feed you some of my homemade pies, Sweeney Todd-style?
They’re like drugs dealers that get you hooked on heroin and then tell you they’ve
put some crushed bug carcass in with your opiates.
But by then it’s too late to be outraged.
You’re just slightly grossed out as you reach for your next hit from the Mars bar.
6.
Fruity Flies • If you remove a fruit fly’s front legs
makes it bisexual.
That’s right, we can make fruit flies like the banana, that’s right I went there.
• Fruit flies have sensory organs on their front legs, so they use them to figure out
that what they’re fucking is the right species and gender.
Why they can’t use their giant eyes to figure this out is beyond me.
But take away their front legs and they’ll fuck anything.
• If it were this simple with humans there’d definitely be less gay-hate in the world.
One some progressive dictator would probably enforce mandatory arm amputations to prevent
hate but then we wouldn’t even be able to drive, or masturbate.
Don’t do it future Hitler!
5.
Wired Up • There’s a continuous transparent wire
around the edges of Manhattan.
• And a bunch of other cities too.
It’s called an ‘eruv’ and was originally used in Jewish people’s backyards so that
they could sit in their gardens on the Sabbath.
This magical piece of wire turns public spaces into private ones.
But people got greedy and wanted to go to get bagels and brunch on a Saturday without
suffering God’s wrath.
So they installed a giant wire around a bunch of different cities so that people could go
wherever the fuck they wanted.
• The wire around Manhattan has been there for about 50 years and is maintained regularly.
It’s a genius way to get around your religion’s rules but it sort of feels like cheating.
Then again a bunch of religions sit around drinking wine on Sunday mornings saying it’s
the ‘blood of Heysus.’ 4.
Turtles Breathing out their poop-chutes • Some particularly talented breeds of turtles
can breathe through their butts.
• That’s right.
But technically, their butts aren’t quite butts.
They’re actually called cloaca because it’s a one-stop-shop; they pee, poop, mate and
lay eggs all out of the one hole.
Talk about value for money.
Their cloacas have ridges on them that allow oxygen in.
• There are a bunch of species of aquatic turtles that can take oxygen in through their
hole-in-one poot-chute.
The Australian white-throated snapping turtle can get about 70% of his oxygen this way,
whereas other species can only get about 20%.
I’m pretty impressed, my butt only breathes out and it’s got terrible breath.
3.
Viral Religion • You are three times more likely to get
a virus on your computer from a religious website than from a Porn website.
• It’s like the opposite of real life; you’re much more likely to get a virus from
a hooker than from going to church.
Unless you go to an awesome church…old Betty takes out her false teeth and bam, she’s
a filthy girl.
It was found a few years ago that religious sites were being targeted more frequently
and didn’t have the safeguards in place that porn sites too.
• Though porn sites still had malware and nasty shit, just nowhere near as much as the
sites your Grandma might be on.
It’s just like how statistically there are less STIs in the porn industry than in the
general population; when you deal in sex in this millennium, you’re safer.
2.
Peanut Butter Jewels • Under extreme high pressure, diamonds
can be made from peanut butter.
• Geophysicists in Germany have been working hard to mimic the conditions of the earth’s
lower mantle.
Because diamonds are carbon that’s been forced into crystal form, they took peanut
butter (which has loads of carbon) some high pressure pistons and a mega hot furnace and,
bam diamond-city.
But the scientists won’t be quitting their day jobs any time soon; even a three millimeter
diamond would take weeks to create.
• Next time you’re chowing down a PB&J, just remember it could’ve been delicious
diamonds with your jelly, but you’re not a German geophysicist.
Actually come to think of it, neither am I. Oh the humanity!
1.
Raining Diamonds • It rains diamonds on Jupiter and Saturn.
• On giant planets so gassy you’d think they’d been eating nothing but Chipolte,
it rains those jewels humans cherish so much.
They aren’t polished though, so you couldn’t just chuck one on a ring and marry Beyoncé.
Let me explain, on Jupiter and Saturn there’s heaps of methane (aka fart gas) which lightning
storms turn into soot.
As the soot falls it turns into graphite and then into rough diamonds.
• Like an uncircumcised penis; uncut but majestic.
Just imagine if it rained diamonds here, it’d be better than raining men.
Still, I’d rather it rained donuts.
I used to wish it rained chocolate but not anymore.