HOW IS EVERYBODY DOING?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ME, TOO.
I AM ALSO "WOO."
BECAUSE WE'RE JUST TWO DAYS FROM THANKS AND I WANT TO TAKE THIS
TIME TO MENTION SOMETHING I'M THANKFUL FOR-- DONALD TRUMP.
BECAUSE HE GIVES ALL OF US ON TV SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT.
HE'S ALL OVER THE NEWSCASTS, HE WAS ON "S.N.L.."
AND IF YOU TURN ON THE TV RIGHT NOW, THERE'S SOME GUY TALKING
ABOUT DONALD TRUMP.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT NOW TRUMP IS GETTING A LOT
OF HEAT FOR SOMETHING HE SAID ABOUT MUSLIM-AMERICANS'
REACTION TO THE ATTACKS ON 9-11.
>> HEY, I WATCHED WHEN THE WORLD TRADE CENTER CAME TUMBLING DOWN.
AND I WATCHED IN JERSEY CITY, NEW JERSEY, WHERE THOUSANDS AND
THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE WERE CHEERING AS THAT BUILDING WAS
COMING DOWN.
>> YOU KNOW, THE POLICE SAY THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN, AND ALL THOSE
RUMORS HAVE BEEN ON THE INTERNET FOR SOME TIME.
SO DID YOU MISSPEAK?
>> IT DID HAPPEN.
I SAW IT.
THERE WERE PEOPLE OVER IN NEW JERSEY THAT WERE WATCHING IT, A
HEAVY ARAB POPULATION, THAT WERE CHEERING AS THE BUILDINGS CAME
DOWN.
NOT GOOD.
>> Stephen: NO, NOT GOOD.
ALSO NOT TRUE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT IF IT WAS, HE WAS APPARENTLY
THE ONLY PERSON WHO EVER SAW IT BECAUSE "THERE IS NO EVIDENCE
THE ALLEGED CELEBRATION EVER TOOK PLACE," AND I HAD MY CRACK
FOOTAGE TEAM LOOK FOR IT.
NOTHING.
I GOTTA TELL YOU, MY GUYS ARE THE BEST.
ANYTHING I NAME, THEY CAN FIND IT INSTANTLY.
HERE'S A CHALLENGE: CAN YOU GUYS FIND A WOMAN GIVING A PSYCHIC
READING TO A POSSUM?
>> YES.
BOOM!
TWO POSSUMS!
AND YET, TRUMP CLAIMS HE SAW IT.
AND HE HAS EVIDENCE.
>> DONALD TRUMP WILL BE SPEAKING HERE IN JUST A FEW MINUTES.
HE CALLED ME LATE TODAY TO ONCE AGAIN DEFEND HIS CLAIMS, TELLING
ME THAT ALTHOUGH HE DOESN'T REMEMBER WHERE EXACTLY HE SAW
THAT VIDEO, HE DOES KNOW HE SAW IT BECAUSE HE HAS "THE
WORLD'S GREATEST MEMORY."
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT,
THAT'S RIGHT.
HE CAN'T REMEMBER EXACTLY WHERE HE SAW THAT VIDEO, BUT HE CAN
REMEMBER THAT HE HAS THE WORLD'S GREATEST MEMORY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS ) AND TRUMP DOESN'T HAVE JUST A
PERFECT MEMORY OF THE PAST.
WHEN IT COMES TO THE TERROR THREATS FACING OUR COUNTRY, HE
CAN ALSO SEE INTO THE FUTURE.
>> I WROTE A BOOK IN 2000, AND IN THE BOOK I MENTIONED OSAMA
BIN LADEN.
I SAID, "BAD GUY, HE IS GOING TO DO DAMAGE TO OUR COUNTRY, AND WE
BETTER DO SOMETHING TO STOP HIM."
I SAID, "OSAMA BIN LADEN'S GOING TO TRY TO COME IN AND DO SOME
BIG DAMAGE."
DON'T FORGET, IN MY BOOK, WRITTEN IN 2000, I WAS THE ONE
THAT PREDICTED OSAMA BIN LADEN WAS TROUBLE.
IF YOU READ THE BOOK, IT SAYS OSAMA BIN LADEN!
>> Stephen: YES, TRUMP PREDICTED THAT OSAMA BIN LADEN WAS
THREATENING AMERICA "ALL THE WAY BACK" IN THE YEAR 2000-- THE
SAME YEAR BIN LADEN WAS LINKED TO THE BOMBING OF THE U.S.S.
"COLE" AND ONLY TWO YEARS AFTER BIN LADEN WAS INDICTED FOR THE
EMBASSY BOMBINGS IN TANZANIA AND KENYA, AND ONLY SEVEN YEARS
AFTER BIN LADEN WAS IMPLICATED IN THE 1993 WORLD TRADE CENTER
BOMBING.
THAT'S SPOOKY.
IT'S LIKE TRUMP HAS SOME KIND OF FIFTH SENSE THAT LET'S HIM SEE
WHAT'S IN NEWSPAPERS AND ON TVs.
WOOO-OOO.
AND NOSTRADONALD'S NOT THE ONLY ONE WITH THIS POWER.
TONIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I WILL ATTEMPT TO PREDICT...
THE PREDICTABLE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I WILL NOW COMMUNE WITH THE
OCCULT POWERS SO THAT I MAY KNOW THE KNOWN!
YES SOMETHING'S COMING, SOMETHING'S COMING.
NEXT YEAR, THERE WILL BE AN iPHONE 7.
( LAUGHTER ) AND-- AND THEN RIGHT AFTER THAT,
AN iPHONE 7S, WHICH WILL BE ALMOST EXACTLY THE SAME, BUT,
FOR SOME REASON, YOU WILL BUY THAT, TOO.
I'M GETTING SOMETHING.
SOMETHING COLD.
A FROZEN YOGURT SHOP IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD WILL OPEN AND CLOSE
WITHIN THE NEXT YEAR.
( LAUGHTER ) AUTHOR JAMES PATTERSON WILL
PUBLISH A BOOK THAT MAY BE PURCHASED AT THE AIRPORT.
( LAUGHTER ) LET'S KICK THIS UP A NOTCH.
HOLD ON ONE SECOND.
YES, YES.
OH, YES.
THE WEATHER IS ABOUT TO GET COLDER FOLLOWED BY A WARMING
TRND IN THE SPRING, AND THEN A HEAT WAVE IN THE SUMMER.
( LAUGHTER ) "THE HUNGER GAMES: MOCKINGJAY,
PART 2" WILL BE PLAYING THIS FRIDAY AT THE TIMES SQUARE AMC
AT 6:45, 9:15 AND 11:15 P.M.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST IS
PRETTY DARN UNLIKELY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( LAUGHTER )
STEPHEN COLBERT WILL LOSE I HAD FORTUNE COOKIE PROP.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND THEN HE WILL FIND IT MOMENTS LATER.
LET'S SEE HERE.
LET'S SEE HERE, YES.
YES, YES.
OH, YES.
OH, HOLD ON.
YES.
CROWDS WILL CONTINUE TO BE EASY TO PANDER TO, ESPECIALLY HERE IN
NEW YORK CITY, THE GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS OR DOES, DONALD TRUMP WILL STILL DO
PRETTY WELL IN THE POLLS.
WOE OH, OH, MY GOD.
I WAS IN A TRANCE THERE FOR A WHILE.
SKEWS ME.
THAT IS HARD.
I DON'T SEE HOW DONALD TRUMP KEEPS DOING IT.
YOU KNOW I WONDER IF DONALD IS GETTING HELP FROM THAT PSYCHIC
POSSUM ON HIS HEAD.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SPIKE LEE.
( BAND PLAYING )