>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
BACK BACK TO OUR SHOW, ALREADY IN PROGRESS.
FOLKS, MY FIRST GUEST IS AN EMMY AND PEABODY AWARD-WINNING
COMEDIAN WHO HAS JUST WRITTEN A NEW MEMOIR.
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE LATE SHOW CRAIG FERGUSON!
♪ ♪ ♪
>> HEY, MAN!
DO YOU LIKE, THIS BY THE WAY, THE UNTUCKED SHIRT?
>> Stephen: LET ME SEE.
IS IT ONE OF THOSE UNTUCKED SHIRT?
>> NO, IT'S JUST A REGULAR SHIRT.
BUT I'M GOING CRAZY!
IT'S NOT EVEN AN UNTUCKED SHIRT!
I'M LIKE (BLEEP) YOU GUYS!
>> Stephen: YOU SEE, I DON'T WANT TO GIVE IN TO THE UNTUCKING
THING, BECAUSE THEN MY BELLY WINS.
BUT IF I STAY TUCKED IN, THERE'S A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF SHAME THAT
WILL KEEP ME FROM LETTING IT ALL GO.
>> AT A CERTAIN POINT IN LIFE ALL MEN HAVE TO EITHER GO,
PANTS-WISE, TEXAS OR FLORIDA.
LET ME EXPLAIN.
TEXAS: HOW YOU DOIN?
FLORIDA: HEY, HOW YOU DOIN?
>> Stephen: WOW.
UNDER THE NAVEL OR OVER THE NAVEL.
>> UNDER OR OVER, TEXAS OR FLORIDA.
>> Stephen: NO PANTS AT ALL.
NO PANTS AT ALL.
>> YOU CAN DO THAT, BUT THAT'S MORE ALABAMA.
I DON'T KNOW WHY I SAID THAT.
I KNOW EVERYBODY ALBAM IS LIKE, "HOW DARE YOU?
I SAY HOW DARE YOU?" >> Stephen: NOW 2020, WE'VE
GOT 20, 21 CANDIDATES ON THE DEMOCRATIC SIDE.
HOW WILL YOU DIFFERENTIATE-- OR HOW CAN WE DIFFERENTIATE AMONG
ALL THESE PEOPLE BECAUSE IT'S A BIT OF A GLUT?
>> I HAVE A SUGGESTION.
THERE'S A LOT OF CANDIDATES.
THE DIFFICULTY IS MOTIVATING AMERICANS TO VOTE, RIGHT?
SO WHY NOT -- >> Stephen: TRADITIONALLY LOW
TURNOUT.
>> WHAT DO AMERICANS THRIEK VOTE ON?
SINGING COMPETITIONS, DANCE COMPETITIONS.
COMBINE "AMERICAN IDOL" AND THAT OTHER ONE, "SO YOU THINK YOU CAN
DANCE, FATE," AND PUT IT ALL TOGETHER AND MAKE IT PART OF THE
DEMOCRATIC PARTY PROCESS, INTRODUCE A SINGING SEGMENT.
WE'LL SIT IN CHAIRS, AND LIKE JOE BIDEN WILL BE LIKE
♪ HEY, HOW YOU DOIN ♪ NOTE THAT'S WHAT HE SOUND LIKE
WHEN HE'S SINGING.
>> Stephen: I KNOW, I KNOW.
THAT'S WHAT THAT SONG WAS "HEY, HOW YOU DOING?"
>> I DIDN'T WANT TO SING A SONG YOU COULDN'T AFFORD TO PAY FOR.
I'M THINKING ABOUT YOU -- >> Stephen: FROM THE MAN WHO
DID TV.
>> I'M THINKING ABOUT YOU.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT'S ALWAYS SAFE?
"CAMP TOWN RACES."
ALWAYS GOOD.
>> I DON'T KNOW HOW SAFE THAT IS.
NO, DON'T EYE OWN THE RIGHTS TO "CAMP TOWN RACES."
>> Stephen: OH, WOW.
>> YOU HAVE BEEN SINGING THAT SONG?
>> Stephen: SURE, ALL THE TIME.
>> I'M COMING AFTER YOU, BUDDY.
WHO WOULD BE A GOOD SINGER DO YOU THINK.
I THINK BUTTEEDGE COULD PROBE SING.
>> I DON'T KNOW, I THINK, I THINK BIDEN MAY HAVE A KIND OF
SOFT, SMOOTH JAZZ, KIND OF LIKE ♪ HEY, OOO, YAA."
AND BERNIE IS GOING TO BE, "ENTERTAIN IN THE U.K.♪
>> Stephen: WE HEARD HIM SING.
WHAT DOES HE SING ♪ THIS LAND IS YOUR LAND, THIS
LAND IS MY LAND ♪ FROM CALIFORNIA TO THE NEW
YORK ISLAND, REDWOOD FOREST."
>> Stephen: YOU CAN SING THAT?
>> Stephen: WHAT?
>WE DON'T OWEWOODY GUTHRIE ANY M HE'S LONG GONE, LONG GONE.
>> Stephen: IS THAT THE GHOST --
>> THE GHOST OF WOODY GUTHRIE.
>> Stephen: IS THERE A STEALTH HAND COMING FOR ME OR IS IT A
SHEET?
>> LET'S WAIT UNTIL CHRISTMAS TO FIND OUT.
>> Stephen: THE UNITED STATES OFTEN DOES NOT FEEL UNITED.
PEOPLE CALL IT WE'RE IN A COLD CIVIL WAR.
BUT WHAT ABOUT YOU, YOU WERE BORN AND RAISED IN SCOTLAND?
>> SCOTLAND, YEAH.
>> Stephen: HOW ABOUT THE U.K.?
DO YOU LIVE OVER THERE NOW?
>> I LIKE THAT YOU CALLED IT THE U.K.
THAT'S THE CORRECT TEMPERAMENT.
A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY GLAND.
IT'S NOT ENGLAND.
IT'S ENGLAND AND SCOTLAND AND NORTHERN ISLAND AND WALES.
IT'S FOUR COUNTRIES.
AND LIKE MOST, IT'S BEEN GOING ON FOR A WHILE, AND NOBODY KNOWS
WHOSE LIMBS ARE WHERE.
IT'S KIND OF MESSY AND SMELLS A BIT.
AND EVERYBODY THINKS THEATRE ONES GETTING (BLEEP).
BUT, ACTUALLY, NO ONE'S REALLY SURE.
>> Stephen: REALLY.
>> YOU CAN SAY THAT ON CBS NOW.
>> Stephen: IT'S TRUE, THEY'RE FINE WITH IT.
WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?
DO YOU THINK THEY'RE GOING TO ACTUALLY BREXIT?
>> THE BREXIT THING, I DON'T KNOW.
THE BREXIT THING I THINK IS I TRANSLATE UMP OF THE HYPERBOLIC
NATURE OF MODERN MEDIA.
IT'S FIRED EVERYBODY ABOUT WHAT IS ESSENTIALLY A TRADE
AGREEMENT.
WE'RE NOT TALKING NATO HERE.
IT'S LIKE, "WELL, ARE WE GOING TO PUT A TAX ON BRIE, OR NOT?"
"HOW DARE YOU!" "HOW DARE YOU."
AM I SHOWING A NAIVE MISUNDERSTANDING OF THE BREXIT
SITUATION.
>> Stephen: I KNOW NOTHING.
>> KNOW NOTHING.
I THINK NOBODY KNOWS ANYTHING.
I THINK THEY TURN UP INTO BRUSSELS AND SAY, WHAT, DO WE DO
NOW?" "I DON'T EVEN KNOW."
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE A NEW MEMOIR, SIR, IN CASE YOU DIDN'T
KNOW.
>> I WROTE IT.
>> Stephen: A MEMOIR OF ALTER CASES, HUMILIATIONS AND
HALLUCINATION."
WHAT IS "RIDING THE ELEPHANT?" ARE YOU HANNIBAL?
NTHIS?
>> NO, ALTHOUGH GOOD.
I WENT ON AN ELEPHANT RIDE ONCE A LONG, LONG TIME AGO-- I
WOULDN'T DO THAT NOW.
I REALIZE IT WAS WRONG TO RIDE ELEPHANTS.
IT WAS A BIG ELEPHANT AND I WAS SMALLER AT THE TIME.
THE ELEPHANT PROBABLY THOUGHT I WAS A HAT OR SOMETHING.
IT'S A COLLECTION OF STORIES AND THE FIRST STORY IN IT IS "RIDING
THE ELEPHANT" AND IT'S THE STORY OF GOING ON AN ELEPHANT RIDE AND
SOMETHING HAPPENED ON THE ELEPHANT RIDE THAT WAS PIVOTAL
ON NMY LIFE.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE TO BUY THE BOOK TO FIND OUT.
>> IF YOU LIKE ME, YOU'LL LIKE THE BOOK.
IF YOU DON'T LIKE ME, YOU'LL HATE THE BOOK.
I'M NOT YOUR PARENTS, IF YOU WANT TO BUY IT, BUY IT.
IF YOU DON'T, DON'T.
I DON'T CARE.
>> Stephen: EVERYBODY HERE KNOWS WHO YOU ARE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHAT ABOUT-- I MEAN, SORT OF
SPEAKING OF PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE, DO PEOPLE BACK
HOME IN SCOTLAND, ARE YOU FAMOUS THERE?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
BECAUSE THEY PLAY THEIR CARDS CLOSE TO THEIR CHEST.
YOU KNOW, THEY'RE LIKE, "HELLO!" I'LL TELL YOU, I AM FAMOUS WITH
TAXI DRIVERS OVER THE AGE OF 50.
>> Stephen: WHY?
>> WHICH IS A VERY LUCRATIVE DEMOGRAPHIC.
>> Stephen: WHY?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
WE ALL USED TO DRINK TOGETHER TAME.
THEY BECAME TAXI DRIVERS, AND I GOT, YOU KNOW, KICKED OUT OF THE
COUNTRY.
>> Stephen: AND HOPEFULLY THEY STOPPED DRINKING BEFORE THEY
DROVE THE TAXI.
>> I DON'T CARE FOR YOUR NEWFANGLED IDEAS, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: AS I SAID RNLG YOU HOSTED-- WE'RE IN THE LATE-NIGHT
FRATERNITY.
FOR 10 YEARS.
IS THERE ANY ASPECT OF IT THAT YOU MIS?
LIKE, DO YOU MISS THE MONOLOGUE OR THE GUESTS?
>> NO, NOT AT ALL, NO, NO.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GLAD OF-- AND I HAVE TO COMMEND YOU.
BECAUSE WHEN THE POLITICAL SITUATION BECAME WHAT IT WAS,
WHICH WAS AFTER I LEFT, I KEEP THINKING, I WONDER HOW I WOULD
HAVE DONE THAT?
I WONDER HOW I WOULD HAVE COPED WITH THAT.
AND I THINK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE IS THE-- IS THE CORRECT AND
BRAVE AND MORAL CHOICE WHICH IS YOU RAN AT IT FULL PACE.
I THINK I WOULD HAVE BEEN TEMPTED TO STAY AWAY FROM IT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.
I THINK I WOULD HAVE BEEN TEMPED TO KEEP RUNNING AROUND WITH A
HORSE AND HAVING CHEEKY BANTER WITH THE ROBOT SKELETON AND THAT
WOULD HAVE BEEN A KIND OF CHICKEN (BLEEP) A TO DO IT.
I'M GLAD I DIDN'T DO THAT.
I'M GLAD I DIDN'T HAVE TO.
AND NOW, WHEN I DO STAND-UP, I DO THIS SHOW, IT'S, LIKE, AN
HOUR AND A HALF LONG, AND I DON'T MENTION POLITICS AT ALL TO
SEE IF I CAN DO IT.
>> Stephen: THAT SOUNDS DELIGHTFUL.
>> IT ACTUALLY IS A NICE BREAK BECAUSE ALL OF THE STUFF
EVERYONE IS ANGRY ABOUT, IT'S STILL THERE 90 MINUTES LATER.
SO YOU CAN TAKE A LITTLE BREAK, TELL A FEW JOKES, AND THEN 90
MINUTES LATER THEY CAN ALL START (BLEEP) HURTING EACH OTHER
AGAIN.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
THAT SHOULD BE ON THE POSTER.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> IF YOU'D READ THE POSTER, STEPHEN, YOU WOULD KNOW IT IS ON
THE POSTER.
>> Stephen: WELL, I'LL READ THE BOOK.
RIDING THE ELEPHANT" IS ON SALE THIS TUESDAY.
THE MAN IS CRAIG FERGUSON.
"THE RACHEL ROUNDUP" WILL BE RIGHT OUT HERE.
WE'RE GOING TO WRESTLE.