-Today is Friday, and that´s usually
when I catch up with some personal stuff,
and I check my inbox, I return some e-mails,
and, of course, I send out thank you notes.
And I was just --
[ Cheers and applause ]
I could do it. -Wow.
-Could I write some out right now?
You guys are the best. Thank you so much.
James, can I get some thank-you note writing music, please?
♫♫
[ Laughter ]
He´s always in such a good mood.
-Yeah.
Mr. Sunshine.
-Mr. Sunshine is what they call him. Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
♫♫
-Thank you, back-to-school ads,
for teaching kids what last call at a bar feels like.
[ Laughter ]
You don´t have to go home.
-But you got to get out of here.
-But you got to get the hell out of here. Yeah.
Summer´s over, kids.
♫♫
Thank you, former Trump chairman Paul Manafort,
for being on trial this week for tax fraud, bank fraud,
and impersonating a Lego man.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
♫♫
Thank you, "Bachelor in Paradise,"
for premiering just one day after
the finale of "The Bachelorette."
And good luck to whoever had to clean that hot tub last night.
-Whoa.
-Just saying.
-Hey, I´m just saying.
Good luck.
♫♫
At least they weren´t wearing Crocs.
[ Audience members cheer ]
[ Laughs ]
♫♫
-Thank you, Arizona iced tea,
´cause when I think refreshment,
I think of one of the hottest, driest states in the country.
[ Laughter ]
Arizona.
[ Applause ]
♫♫
Thank you, ice cream trucks,
for deciding the best song to excite children
is a creepy circus jingle on never-ending loop.
[ Ice-cream truck jingle plays ]
[ Sinister music plays ]
[ Laughter ]
Hi! Welcome to Mr. Drippy´s.
You want some ice cream?
[ Applause ]
Mr. Drippy´s? -Mr. Drippy´s?
-[ Chuckles ]
-Have you thought -- -I couldn´t think of anything.
-...think of ice-cream cone named Mr. Drippy?
-I couldn´t think of it that good.
-Oh, my God! Like a penicillin ad.
-I don´t know.
[ Laughter ]
[ Ice-cream truck jingle plays ]
-I hate Crocs.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-What? -Yeah!
-I don´t know the story,
but I want to hear why you hate Crocs.
-Something nutty happened.
-What happened? Did you -- What --
-Crocs are awful! -Yeah!
-All right, all right, all right.
That´s why you´re clapping?
-They´re so ugly!
-They hurt me as a child.
-Oh, stop. They did not hurt you as a child.
Is that what she said? -They´re Crocs!
[ Laughter ]
-Now, that´s enough.
♫♫
-Thank you, working vacation, for really meaning
I´m getting turnt on piña coladas at noon,
but I´m still willing to send some e-mails I won´t remember.
[ Applause ]
It´s a working vacation.
♫♫
Thank you, Lisa Frank school supplies...
[ Cheers and applause ]
...for letting kids store their papers,
organize their pencils,
and, most importantly, experience an acid trip.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
♫♫
Thank you, glove compartment.
I literally never opened you,
but I´m still gonna check you frantically
whenever I lose my phone.
There you guys have it. Those are my thank you notes.