a sexless relationship why it's happening likely why it won't work and what to do about it i'm
dr trish leigh let's break it down okay so if you have been consuming pornography frequently
consistently with increasing intensity for sure and if you've been doing that for a long time
it is in fact showing up in your sexual behaviors which means it's showing up sexually in your
relationship so why your relationship may turn sexless is because a healthy woman does not want
to be treated like an object and this goes for all partners but i'm going to keep it at men mostly
consume pornography and women are mostly partners but of course it goes for everybody but now this
is what happens is if you are objectifying women on the screen and you're doing that frequently
and consistently and you're looking at people's bodies using them for objects of dopamine release
to take away pain and to give you seeming pleasure what happens is that falls out in how you interact
with your partner except for we know from the science that it won't match up to the amounts
of dopamine that you're getting from the screen and from masturbation so now it is a second-hand
experience which is being felt by your partner when you are interacting with them and secondly
what happens so often is that what you see on the screen is what you want to happen when you are
interacting with your partner but it's not so you may try to get it to happen and it's the dr jekyll
and mr hyde and honestly this is part of recovery too is backing this whole thing out but while
you're with your partner you're trying to get what you want and what you usually get from the screen
but then you'll try to come back and actually be present mentally with your partner but then
you'll kind of go back to the fantasy and what you really want because that's what your brain
is conditioned to need to be able to become the most aroused so you need intensity to be able to
get to where you want to go this is all being felt by your partner so your partner knows
something's up they may not know what's up but they definitely know that something is up and the
longer you consume pornography the more frequently the more consistently and definitely with the more
intensity it will begin to show up so then what happens is your partner doesn't want to be with
you because it's just not that fun and engaging because if your partner is healthy and remember
it goes back to if your partner is healthy and if your partner is healthy they are looking for
an experience not a performance they want an experience with you that's a whole person
experience mind body and spirit and what they want is some intensity some eroticism tapping
into that animal nature in a private way with just you because you're their private person
that they have sexual experiences with that's not the same for you you're watching tons of
sexual experiences of random people you don't know so your perception of sexual interactions
is very different from your partner your partner wants to be with you in a whole person experience
intensity eroticism intimacy love being connected so that's a very different perception of you and
your partner so then when your partner doesn't get any of that or is only getting it fleetingly back
and forth between fantasy and you trying to be with your partner it becomes work for your partner
to be with you so if this is you i want you to know that you can back that out if you want to be
in a relationship that is a healthy sexual relationship it can be done so what i want
you to know and what i want you to think about is your relationship when you met what was your
sexual relationship like and i talked to a lot of people and honestly they're a little disgruntled
because they think that their wives just aren't pleasing them anymore they don't understand they
are part of the problem because of pornography they think their wives are just holding out
and that's not the case most times most times the cases they want to be with you but they
can't because the being with you isn't what it used to be so you know how you might be thinking
that being with them isn't fun anymore they think the same thing because they're being objectified
so that's why a sexless relationship works now will a sexless relationship work overtime
no absolutely not this is number two why because we're sexual beings human beings are sexual beings
they want to be with another person and connect in that way and it's part of healthy intimacy
and it's part of a healthy relationship so if you can't have that in your relationship
once you've repaired the healthy sexuality or unhealthy sexuality you have going which is
addictive sexuality hypersexuality when you repair it as best as you can over some amount of time
usually when you repair it then you can get back to having a healthy sexual relationship unless
it's it's too far gone and you don't have the skills to be able to do that but i'm here to tell
you that going back to the screen for the rest of your life first of all it's going to give you
mental physical cognitive and emotional problems we know that it's what it creates and going back
to the screen for the rest your life it's not necessary but so you have to do the work here
this is number three how do you get back to an engaged and fulfilled sexual relationship with
your partner you talk to your partner so if you don't want to talk to your partner about
pornography consumption you can definitely talk to your partner about what you would like to see
happen within your sexual relationship and i've made a couple videos on this in terms of arousal
templates and what we what you can agree with your partner to keep in the sexual garden as
you're learning to have healthy sexuality that's balanced and it's balanced in the experience
not the performance and it's also balanced in the neurotransmitter release so your brain tip
for today is talk to your partner about sex don't assume they don't want to be with you
but understand if they don't want to be with you that it's likely part of this situation
that is caused by pornography consumption they might want to be with you in a way that they used
to be able to be with you but that has changed food for thought there because most times most
partners want to be with their partner but it's become so distorted that it's not the same and
it's not fun it's not engaging it's a lot of work and it feels bad it feels yucky at the end because
they feel used because in fact you're likely using your partner as an object of fantasy okay so go
think about that and talk to your partner tell them that you would like to be with them in that
balanced way find out what would be good for them to stay in the arousal template tell them what you
would like in the arousal template get on the same board in terms of communication and then go do it
go try it it might not be easy if your brain's stuck in this addictive hypersexual mode where
it wants to go back to all the stuff that it's been seeing on the screen that is not real healthy
sexuality so you have to go back to give it a whirl and try to have the experience and not
worry about the performance okay if you want help on the road to creating healthy sexuality as you
leave pornography behind please go to my website at drtrishleigh.com hit the tab that says porn
brain reboot because i would love to help you and remember control your brain or it'll control you