- Been thinking about vision boarding.
(audience laughing)
That's funny? Okay.
I thought I was gonna be vulnerable with y'all,
but I'll hold it back.
No, I wanted a vision board, right?
But I just don't know how long
you have to complete the visions.
(audience laughing)
Like I've heard everything
from like a week to like 'till you die.
I'm like, those are supposed to be
two different things, right?
(audience laughing)
I had no idea.
I just put mad obtainable shit on there.
I was more, that shit turned into
a grocery list, if anything.
(audience laughing)
Like I've got Nike socks.
Remember to get deodorant.
(audience laughing)
Maybe get a sandwich named after me at the delis.
Something to strive for, you know what I'm saying?
Really put in that work.
I did get a letter the other day from the IRS.
Yeah, well I got it like last year.
I just opened it up the other day.
(audience laughing)
I did. I threw that shit right in the garbage.
'Cause like I tried to open it, right?
And then I got a paper cut and I was like, you know what?
This was not on the vision board, right?
(audience laughing)
Distracting me, taking me off course.
I was like, we gotta do better.
Oh, I started thinking about ass eating
and what's the most masculine way
to get that done, right?
I was like, I'm glad that's on all of our minds.
(audience laughing)
But it was particular, I was like
what's the most masculine way to get this done?
I had to rule out some options, right?
I was like, probably not on my stomach
or my back, 'cause then I'd have to
like check back or lift both my legs up.
I was like, I don't want to do that.
But I think I figured it out right?
I think the best way to do it
is probably just to squat over somebody.
You just get like one of these, right?
And you just sit in it, right?
(audience laughing)
It's okay that we eye level, right?
Be mature.
Nah, you want to just sit in it, right?
And then what you want to do
is you wanna fold your arms, right?
'Cause you don't wanna look like you enjoying yourself.
That's important. (audience laughing)
You sit in there, you let it happen, right?
You go through all of it, right?
And then right before it starts to feel good
you just be like, that's enough, right?
You don't deserve it.
(audience laughing)
That's the masculine way.
You go through it, you get up,
you schedule another one, right?
You keep it blue card.
Honestly, I think I got my IG,
like my discovery in a healthy spot.
It's just butt cheeks and brisket, right?
(audience laughing)
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
That shit was not always like that.
It was a darker time.
Like before, it was like restoration reels
of like black head removal.
I was like all right, I gotta start doing the hard work.
Had to get in there, really fuck up the algorithm.
(audience laughing) Liking it, liking it,
liking it, scrolling, liking it
sending it to homies, saving it, right?
You gotta do the work.
Now it's just butt cheeks and brisket all day.
All day.
You ever like, you ever looking at something
and catch yourself smiling at it?
Like, oh.
(audience laughing)
I'm like that's nice.
I'm like, that's so crazy,
how am I supposed to eat this?
(audience laughing)
I was looking online the other day seeing how much
those, 'I voted early' stickers were.
They, (audience laughing)
they kind of expensive.
They like $5 plus like $15 shipping.
I was like let's re-plan.
I was like, what are my options?
Them shits are like, those stickers they like clout, bro.
You have a sticker on, people see you, right?
And they be like, Oh, shit
you voted early, you so tapped in, right?
And then you just be like,
just doing my civic duty or whatever.
(audience laughing)
Just doing my part.
They'd be like, Wow, that's crazy.
That's mad sexy, who'd you vote for?
You'd be like, That's none of your damn business.
(audience cheering)
They be like, Wow you mad mysterious,
some shit. (audience laughing)
Check.
Just walking around my neighborhood the other day.
Made eye contact with this lady.
She was an older white lady.
Nobody's fault, just the situation.
(audience laughing)
Just the situation I came across.
So I was mature about it.
I was like, I've seen this on TV, I know how to act, right?
(audience laughing)
I smile just to say what up.
But in return, this lady grabbed her purse.
I was insulted.
I asked, I was like, Miss, why'd you grab your purse?
'Cause I'm black?
She got fake offended.
She was like, No, no, no, no, I love black people.
Beyonce is my spirit animal.
She was like, If anything I hate gingers.
(audience laughing)
I was like, I get that, that makes sense, right?
But then I thought about it, right?
You rearrange the letters in ginger...
(audience realizing)
It spells nigger.
So I stole her purse anyway, right?
I was like, lesson's gotta get learned.
Just doin' my part.
(audience cheering)
Like she was very convinced and she almost had me.
I was like, Ahaha, oh, give me your purse.
(audience laughing)
That was good.
You guys ever been so broke you could pass a drug test?
(audience laughing)
I can't tell if you was laughing with or at me bro.
He was clapping bent over.
I was like, okay.
Luckily I've been reading my anti-bullying books.
I ain't gonna let that get to me.
(audience laughing)
I don't even apply to jobs that drug test.
It's like a professional courtesy to myself.
(audience laughing)
It's like, they'll find out.
I'll be at the interview, they quick, they on it.
They be like, what's that smell?
I'm like, I'm not available nights or weekends.
(audience laughing)
Like, put me on your payroll please.
Thank you.
You ever walk out of a McDonald's
and then two blocks later you see another McDonald's
and you're just like fuck it, round two?
I already know what I want, this is perfect.
Sometimes I just circle the block,
walk in the same McDonald's, acting surprised.
(audience laughing)
Just walk in there like oh shit.
(audience laughing)
What up Terry? First time seeing you today.
Shut the fuck up.
Terry don't even work there, he just bathes there.
It's like, bro, you got other
(audience laughing) things you need to focus on.
We got beef too.
'Cause we both like to collect the fast food receipts.
I don't know, I'm not sure why he's doing it,
but I like to do it because on a rainy day,
I could just fill out all those
online surveys, just eat like a champ.
Super, it's super easy.
You, I do it right on my phone.
They be like, How was our service?
Terrible.
Here's a free burger.
I'll be back.
(audience laughing)
I was like, damn y'all good.
You know there's a secret menu at McDonald's?
I only know one item, it's called the mcgangbang.
You heard of that one? (audience laughing)
That one, that shit's insane, that.
Just to be clear, it's a sandwich.
I don't want y'all Googling the wrong thing.
(audience laughing)
Being like, he said.
(audience laughing) What it is, right,
they take a McDouble, right?
They separate it, put a full
McChicken sandwich right in the middle.
It's like a Russian doll experience, right?
Very cultured, right?
(audience laughing)
I will say this, if you order it,
you gotta go in confident.
You can't go in there halfassin' it,
unsure of yourself, right?
Like you gotta go in there strong.
Don't walk in there bein' like,
Yo, y'all got mcgangbangs or whatever?
They gonna be like, No, get the fuck outta here.
This is a Christian owned family operation, bro.
We owned by Disney. Get outta here.
(audience laughing)
You just gotta go in there confident,
be like Yo, let me get a mcgangbang,
or whatever, right?
And they gonna look at you and be like, What?
But that's just a test.
You just gotta pass.
You gotta pass that moment.
Keep your head up.
They be like, What?
You just look at them, be like, you heard me.
(audience laughing)
And then they gonna be like,
Fuck, all right man, I got you, right?
And they gotta give you that sandwich.
(audience laughing)
Don't be a coward,
don't order separately and try to make it.
You gotta order it together, right?
Dope thing about it also, the receipt,
also works as a doctor's note.
You don't even gotta go back to work after that.
(audience laughing)
It's got instructions right on the back.
It's like, go home, elevate your feet,
don't close your eyes for like two days.
(audience laughing)
I did see a dick pic at work.
(audience cheering)
Was that relatable?
(audience laughing) Nah?
I would've called it sexual harassment,
but he did ask me first.
I was like, That's profess, right?
(audience laughing)
It happened fast.
He was like, Bro, you trying to see a picture of my dick?
And before I could say no, I said yes.
(audience laughing)
I was like, every time I do it to myself.
He pulled it up on his phone.
I took it out of his hand, right?
I was like, that's how I get a better look.
I'm trying to become the best wing man I can be, right?
(audience laughing)
Get all the information.
Some of y'all pulling back, it's okay.
(audience laughing)
'Cause there's logic behind this, right?
Like, like if we're out at a bar
he's talking to a girl, having a tough time.
I can always just cut in, be like,
Excuse me miss, my boy got a big dick.
(audience laughing)
Trust me.
(audience cheering)
And she'll probably be like,
Sir you got kind eyes and a soulful voice.
Thank you for the heads up.
That really cut my time in half.
But, in reality, when he showed me the pic,
he was like, Napoleon, I showed you one of mines.
Now you gotta show me one of yours.
I was like, that's fair, right?
(audience laughing)
So like, later on I'm watching food videos in my phone.
I got an erection, I was like, perfect, right?
I'm gonna knock this out
right now. (audience laughing)
Took the picture.
It was beautiful.
It was black and white, avant garde.
Really French film like.
(audience laughing)
It was a master piece, I even kept on my t-shirt.
I called it hashtag Winnie the Pooh.
Puts a nice cartoonish (audience laughing)
but it keeps things light, all right?
Took the picture, right?
Tried to send it to him.
Got an error message.
Tried again, another error message.
I was discouraged, but I was determined.
I was like, this your homeboy,
you promised, follow through, right?
So I kept trying, I kept gettin' error messages.
So then I just gave up.
I was like, Fuck it, not meant to be.
Next day at work, I saw this dude looking stressed out.
So I approached him, right?
I'm like, Bro, what's going on?
He looks at me and goes, Napoleon at 4:30
in the morning, you sent me 17 dick pics.
(audience laughing)
I was like, Oh do you got them?
(audience laughing)
Tight, tight, tight.
Next time, reply.
(noise effect)