What do you do when you've cheated on your partner? Hey, it's Mark here from Make Him
Yours and today, we're going into a really tough situation. What do you do when you've
found yourself cheating? I've got the five questions you have to ask yourself before
you go and talk to him. Don't forget, you can now download the first chapter of my book
as well and stay tuned. This is an important one.
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If you've just found yourself cheating on your partner, then there's probably a million
thoughts running through your head right now. What was I thinking? Why did I do it? Should
I tell him? These thoughts are all really normal, and no matter how you're feeling right
now, it's important that you process these thoughts and ask yourself the right questions
as to why this happened before you go and talk to him. So today, I've got five questions
you've got to ask yourself to help you understand what happened, so that you can decide the relationship
future for the two of you and go and have a really difficult conversation with him.
Number one, what was my intent? The reality is cheating achieves something. Knowing your
intent, being brutally honest with yourself is one of the most powerful things you can
do for any action, but especially in action that you'll later regret. If you've cheated
on your partner, it's on you to figure out what your intent was, process, what did this
achieve for me? Consciously or subconsciously, there was something it did and you've got
to be brutally honest with yourself as to what that was.
Number two, what was the unmet need? The reality is cheating doesn't just happen. It fills
a need. It gives you something that you weren't getting. So if you're struggling to figure
out what your intent was, see if you can figure out what the unmet need was. Maybe it was
wanting to feel more love and connection because you weren't feeling it in your relationship.
Maybe it was because you wanted more variety or excitement because if you're honest with
yourself, you will feeling bored and mundane in the relationship, or maybe it was actually
security. Maybe you were feeling insecure in the relationship. Maybe even that you couldn't
trust your partner and cheating is a way to pull back and get yourself the power again
in that situation. Whatever the unmet need was, aim to identify it so that you can have
this tough conversation with your partner and know what's going on.
Number three, what fears drove my behavior? So this is a really important question. There's
fears operating for all of us, and if you found yourself cheating, the reality is there
was something you were scared of. So aim again to have that self-awareness and figure out
what that fear was. What was the fear that led to you cheating instead of simply ending
the relationship? Why not just end first? What was the fear that meant that whatever
the unmet need was wasn't communicated to your partner? What was the fear in communication?
And what was the fear maybe relating to your partner, the fear of his reaction or the fear
of him not doing something or the fear of hurting him. Identify the underlying fear
or fears that led to the cheating, and you'll be able to have a much more honest conversation with him.
Number four, ask yourself, is this the right man to start a new relationship with? This
is a fundamentally important question to ask yourself anytime you found yourself cheating.
Notice I didn't say, "Do I want to rebuild the relationship?" or "Do I want to keep going
with this man?" The reality is, once cheating has occurred in a monogamous relationship,
your relationship is over. Now, that sounds harsh, but it's actually a good thing because
it's pretty clear that you weren't happy in your relationship as it stands. So the question
isn't "Do I want to continue the old relationship?" The question is, "Do I want to build a new
one with this man, with what we've learned and the knowledge from this incident and go
on to be a better couple together?"
Ask yourself, "Is this the right man to do that?" Realistically, cheating highlights incompatibilities
between the two of you. There's things there that aren't matching right now and that's
why the old relationship has to be over. So have a look at those incompatibilities. Is
this the right man to start a new one with? The reality is, if incompatibilities lead
to cheating, he may not be. Now your instincts are probably telling you I'll get back with
him sort it out, make it happen, but the reality is the braver decision might be that there's
more compatible men for you out there, so really have a think to yourself. What were
the incompatibilities that led to this happening and are we compatible enough that this is
still the right man to start a new relationship with?
Number five, if your answer is yes, ask yourself, "Am I accepting of the problems that I will
have to deal with to achieve this?" If your goal is to start a new relationship with this
man, then it's a goal like any other area of life. The problem is that most people,
when they set goals, they just look at the end result. They look at what they want. They
say, "I want to lose a hundred pounds. I want to climb Mount Everest," but they don't think
about the problems, the actions that are needed to achieve that. If you want to lose a hundred
pounds, you have to accept the fact that you're going to go to the gym six days a week for
a year or more. That's a big problem. Only if you're accepting of that problem will you
achieve the end goal. If you want to climb Mount Everest but you don't want the problem
of walking up Hill and you don't want the problem of being cold and and walking up a
bunch of smaller mountains, then Mt. Everest might be a nice goal, but you're never going
to achieve it because you're not accepting of all the problems that are going to go on
along the way.
So instead of asking yourself, "Do I want the end goal and the happy relationship again,"
ask yourself, "Do I want to accept all the problems that will be involved in creating
that? Do I want to accept the fact that this man's probably not going to fully trust me
potentially for a year or two? Do I want to accept the fact that he's probably going to
have my phone passwords and he's probably going to take a long time and have a lot of
insecurities with rebuilding that trust? Do I want to accept the fact that he's probably
going to be very , reactive around guys, anytime you're around guys for the next couple of years?"
There's a lot of problems that come with rebuilding trust in a situation like
this. So ask yourself, do you want to accept potentially a year or two of all of these
problems to build a new relationship with this man?
Those are the five questions you must ask yourself if you found yourself cheating. Now,
don't leave it too long. You don't want to be dragging it out and procrastinating on
having this conversation. But if this has happened, if you found yourself cheating,
take a day, maybe a few, and find really solid answers to these questions. You have, and
if you want to start a new relationship with this man, it's then time to talk to him. In
an upcoming video. I'm going to show you how to do that and how to have this tough conversation.
For now, I hope this video gave you the answers that you've been, well, at least gave you the
right questions to ask yourself that you've been wondering following this cheating incident.
Make sure you download the first chapter of the book. Make sure you subscribe if you haven't
already, and give the video a thumbs up if you enjoyed the content. As I say, in a follow-up
video, I'm going to show you how to have this conversation. Thanks for watching today! And
I look forward to seeing you in the next video very soon.
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