I get asked this question a lot, so I think it's worthwhile exploring it a
little bit. Someone asked me specifically if I don't feel spark or desire when I
first start dating this person, should I just quit?
Well I asked them further, "What do you usually do?" And they say, "Yeah, I usually
just say you know this isn't gonna work cause I've dated a lot," and I think the
more you have dated the more you expect to spark there. I mean, let's face it, if
you're going out to go out on a date, you put your effort into it. You get fixed up, and
I can't imagine doing all that and making plans without feeling a certain
amount of desire to see the person, but at the same time, as a therapist, I've
seen some of the best marriages and they were arranged. And I've seen some of the
worst marriages, and all they existed on was a spark and once that fizzled, it was
gone. I personally advise you that if you are with somebody and you're
dating and you feel no spark or whatever, you should be transparent. I mean the
whole idea of dating is to be real - to know if this other person is someone you
want to share your life with. And it's okay to tell the person you're dating,
"Listen, I just feel like there's some things I've got to work out in my head.
Like I don't understand about myself - what I'm feeling about you," and when you
tell them that directly, it seems to be more honest and it's more respected than
just disappearing or never getting back to them. Or, worse yet, just not answering
their texts, but I do think if this is a person that there's something about them
that even though you don't feel that spark - you don't feel right about just
letting them go - there's three questions I want you to ask yourself. Because at
that point, it's really something going on inside you and you should take
a look at it. First of all, ask yourself, "What am I afraid of if I
let go of this person?" I think when you ask yourself that and you answer it,
you'll have a lot more answers and reasons why you may want to continue the
relationship or not. Secondly, what specifically (and I want you to write
them down) makes this person void of a spark? So what is it that this person
does or doesn't have that makes you lack desire or or interest in them as far as
attraction or sexuality? And the last one is what specific combination makes you
feel a spark? For many women, they were raised by dads who were not there. They
were irresponsible. They were what we call now the bad boys and so women grew
up equating a bad boy with someone who was irresponsible or not there, and you
may desire that - because it felt like love to you, because you were raised with
a dad who your mother loved. She said she loved him, and you equated that with love,
but that wasn't healthy. Or it may be something like that. There's some look at
who your parent was, what you grew up equating with love between your parents
and then evaluate this person based on that. It's so interesting and intriguing,
but it also offers you a chance to step back and say, "Wait a minute,
these old norms of there being the sexual intensity and desire may not be
real life at all." In fact, I might be able to have a fantastic marriage or
longtime relationship with this person, and my desire may grow the spark.
Because you know what guys? In my clinical practice, I see that happen, so I
cannot say that doesn't happen. I hope this helps you minimize some of the
confusion you may feel while you're dating. It's complex, and
it's difficult, but if we don't ask the questions, we end up being in
relationships that we're not entirely happy about or fulfilled by. And I think
that's important to explore it for that reason if nothing else. Have an awesome day.