-Here at "Late Night," every night,
I deliver a monologue comprised of jokes
written by a diverse team of writers.
As a result, a lot of jokes come across my desk that,
due to my being a straight, white male,
would be difficult for me to deliver.
But we don't think that should stop you from enjoying them,
so we'd like to share them with you
in a segment we call "Jokes Seth Can't Tell."
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Duct tape rips ]
Hey, everybody. These are two of our writers.
That's Amber, and that's Jenny.
-I'm black. -And I'm gay.
-And we're both women.
-And I'm not.
So, here's how this works.
I'll read the set-ups for the jokes,
and then Amber and Jenny will read the punch lines,
so here we go.
The longest-running lesbian bar in the United States
recently closed for good.
-So now lesbians will have to meet the old-fashioned way --
at Ace Hardware.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
-18,000 contaminated pipes in Flint, Michigan,
will be replaced
by a black-owned construction company.
-And it's true what they say -- their pipes are bigger.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
They are.
-A lesbian was recently
named the leader of Germany's Fascist party.
-If you're wondering what lesbians and Fascists
have in common, the answer is their haircut.
[ Laughter ]
-Jenny -- Jenny, why is it
that so many lesbians have short haircuts?
-We just get really excited about scissors.
[ Laughter ] -Oh!
-[ Laughs ] [ Audience "Oh"s ]
-Jenny!
Jenny, no!
[ All chuckle ]
[ Laughter ]
According to a recent article... [ Laughter ]
According to a recent article,
there's been an increase in women using smartphone apps
to track their menstrual cycles.
-Still no word on how they get those phones in there.
[ Laughter ]
I guess you put it down there -- -No! No! No! No!
[ Laughter ]
I wasn't pausing for an answer.
-Oh.
-[ Chuckles ]
[ Laughter ]
On the popular British soap opera "EastEnders,"
a lesbian character recently decided to sleep with a man.
-I guess she got tired of having orgasms.
[ Audience "Oh"s ]
-Are lesbians really that good at giving orgasms?
-Watch this. [ Snaps fingers ]
-[ Gasps ] Oh!
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-You're welcome. -[ Chuckles ]
Wow!
[ Laughter ]
I've never heard that noise or seen that face.
[ Laughter ]
According to a recent article,
home ownership among black Americans is 30% lower
than home ownership among white Americans.
-Lucky me, because I got this brick...
[ Humming funky beat ] ...house.
[ Laughter ]
♪ She's mighty, mighty ♪
♪ Just lettin' it all hang out ♪
♪ She's a brick, mm-mm ♪
-♪ House ♪ -Hey, you know it!
All right. Just that part.
A gay couple recently kissed
on the Kiss Cam at Dodger Stadium.
-While a lesbian couple was too busy watching the game.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
-Hey, Seth, why don't you tell one.
-Me? Nooooo.
No, I -- I couldn't. -Aw.
-I couldn't possibly tell one. -Yeah. Oh, come on, just one.
-Well, I feel like if I tell one, I'm gonna get in trouble.
That's how it always happens. -Come on, just do it!
-Okay, but I can fully trust you guys?
-Oh, yeah. -Yeah.
-You guys will both have my back if I do this?
-Yeah. -Yeah, yeah.
-Okay. -Okay.
-The adult website PornHub announced recently
that its most popular category of all time is "lesbian"
and its least-popular category is "real-life lesbian."
-[ Gasps ]
-How dare you?!
[ Laughter ]
-You should be ashamed of yourself!
-You promised me it would be okay!
-But I am a real-life lesbian. -What?!
[ Laughter ]
[ Duct tape rips ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]