Being in a relationship, it has its challenges. But watch closely as we talk
about how to stop the doubt in your relationship. Here you are in a
relationship and you're wanted to go well but oh... And why is this doubt
coming into your relationship? Like what's happening? You got these questions
going on. You know, you kind of look at this relationship and you're wondering
about it. You may even feel like this insight feeling like you are almost
wanting to pull away from this relationship. Kind of distance yourself
from this person. Well, this doubt in your relationship,
maybe before you make a final decision, let's talk about some things about what
may be happening in your relationship. Because it would not be good if
there was just some small tweaks that you could do that you would miss that
and you would actually get rid of this relationship. Or step away from it. So
let's talk for just a moment about where, why or how this doubt in your
relationship has even come from? Well, in a relationship, when we first are
connected and we're communicating in a relationship, there's a lot of new things,
a lot of fresh things that are happening. You know and that could be very
exciting in a relationship. As time goes by in a relationship, no matter what kind
of relationship it is, because an amount of time has gone by, our mind wears off
of the new and starts to look at everything that is now going on. Our mind
is gathering evidence. It gathers information and it gathers evidence. And
that's its job every single day. The mind is constantly evaluating the
surroundings, checking on people, checking on things, checking on everything. The
minds constantly gathering information. But what kind of information? What kind
of evidence is the mind gathering? You know, when we have a small difficulty,
just a little one. We have a small difficulty with a person,
our mind could actually turn and start to look at what other difficulties were
having. What other challenges were having. Now, wouldn't you agree that being in a
relationship already has its own challenges and difficulties, right?
Because there's difference of opinions, difference of flavors, difference of
favorite things. So there's always these little differences. But after the newness
of the relationship, the mind starts to notice these differences. But it's what
we do with this evidence. And what we do with this information
that can dramatically affect our relationship. Let's check this out. In a
relationship, there's one type of evidence and there's another type of
evidence. I'm going to call this the good evidence and we're going to call this the
negative side of gathering evidence about this person you have a
relationship with. If we gather too much evidence about what is wrong, we can push
anything away. We could push a person away, we can push an opportunity away. We
can push anything away if we gather enough bad evidence. But if we gather
enough good evidence, we can pull something close to us. We could engage
closer with that. We could desire to have a better connection with that person. So
it really comes down to how are we way out this evidence that we keep picking
up on each day. Now, I've been married for 27 years. And over 27 years of marriage,
I've found that there are things about myself, there are things about my wife
Kim that literally I could find enough evidence about myself to remove myself
from a relationship. I could nitpick me to literally death.
Really, I could nitpick myself of all the things they do wrong, all the things that
I forget, everything that I'm not good at. And I could find enough evidence. Enough
evidence to justify me to walk away from the relationship.
I could. I could find enough bad things in another person to push them away. You
could do the same thing. You could nitpick yourself so bad
and get so consumed with everything you do wrong, you could actually in that
moment, just decide you're completely worthless and walk away. You could do the
same thing. In fact, anybody could do this. Wow, how are we even staying together as
a relationship, right? I mean we could literally ruin all of our relationships
by the type of evidence we go looking for and how we stack up that evidence.
You could have a couple children and one... Or maybe you have a couple children
you've seen this happen before. But you can have a family has a couple children
and there's this one child that causes all the problems. This one child that
causes all the difficulty. And all this attention gets pointed at the child that
that child has all these challenges. You can stack up enough evidence about a
child to turn them into a bad child. So what I'm suggesting to you here is your
ability to interact in a relationship is based upon your mind. It's based upon
what you're thinking, it's based upon what you're looking for. And you can tip
the scale either way. Totally tip the scale either way based
upon what you're focused on. Because whatever you're focusing on, your mind is
going to keep gathering evidence in that particular direction. If your spouse is
driving you crazy and they're driving you nuts and you keep looking at all the
things that they're driving you nuts about, your mind is not going to stop
looking for what's wrong. It's going to keep looking. That's the way the mind is.
Whatever we point its attention on and whatever the intention of the attention,
it will stay on that track until we turn it to look at a different way. So let's
say your spouse is driving you nuts and they do some things that irritate you.
And you notice them every single day. Well, if you look at this, if you take all
that evidence of what you're finding in that relationship about how they're
driving your nuts, this evidence is going to stack up over here. It's going to totally
do this right here. "Oh, there it is again, again,
again, again, again, again, again." And you're going to keep adding it up. And every day,
your mind is geared this direction and this evidence will outweigh that
evidence. And when the evidence on this side of the negative things that's going
on in life, you will mentally push the relationship away and then you will
physically push the relationship away. Whatever we do with our behavior, we
first had that experience inside of our mind. So as soon as we mentally start to
be tired of somebody, it's only a matter of time before we physically try to
remove that person from our life. Either we go away or they go away. Now that's
not a healthy relationship. Like I said before. I could do this to myself by the
evidence I gather about myself or the evidence I gather about Kim. I mean, my
wife Kim, she could stack up the evidence over here enough to go, "Why am I even
with Kirk?" Right? She could do that. But here's the... Here's the part to think
about is this. We're going to stack up the evidence over here. And if we're not
looking over here for the evidence of what's good. it gets out of balance and
it comes over here and then you start to doubt. Tou start to doubt the
relationship. But I've worked with many couples. You know, coaching and mentoring
couples. And come to find out the problem is is because one of them is so focused
on this. And I asked the spouse, "Can you tell me anything good about your spouse?"
And they can barely come up with 2 or 3 things. And what it tells me is the
person is not managing their mind. We are people. And being people, we are human and
being human, we make mistakes. And when we make mistakes, what happens is if the
person who is in the relationship with us, they don't let go of those mistakes,
then it just starts to add up as credit or discredits at us. And it will ruin the
relationship. Now, when something does go wrong, of course you need to have
conversations, right? You sort things out. But it's how you stack the evidence. And
it's sad. It is absolutely sad and just completely
disheartening to see a good relationship crumble and fall apart because neither
of them understood the value and the importance of managing what their mind
is focused on. I was coaching a husband and wife and one of the spouses told
me that when their spouse would get on their laptop and type on their laptop,
that just the sound of their fingers hitting the keys on the keyboard made
them really mad. And I looked at the spouse and I thought, "You get triggered
by fingers on computer Keys? Like just that noise?" And they're like, "Oh, I just
can't stand the way that they type." You know, wow! What? What else what are the
ways should they type? And I don't know. I just... They just need to type different. I
sat there just like flabbergasted like, "What are this person's problem?" I said,
"Well, what other things drive you nuts?" Oh my goodness, they came up with the
biggest, longest list of all these things that their spouse drove them nuts. And
then you you can tell where I went with my next question. "Well, what do you like
about your spouse?" And here over here they got like 30 things. 30 on the list
of everything that they don't like. And then when it came to the good, they came
up with like 4. It made sense. Made sense why they're not doing well. Made
sense whether doubting the relationship. So I gave them the challenge. I gave them
the challenge. I said the challenge is, "Over the next 7 days, you come up
with 100 reasons and hundred why's you love your spouse." If you're going to
look at other things that your spouse does that drives you nuts, but you're not
going to find the other parts that is good, of course they're going to turn out
bad. So, we need to take a look at how you tip the mind. First, you got to examine
your thoughts. Then you become insightful and realize that you are not balancing
your mind very well. Now, notice I'm not pointing the finger at the other person.
I'm pointing my finger at you and how you're managing your mind. So to
look at where your thoughts are directed. Get insightful to notice, "Whoa, what am i
doing inside of my head?" And now it's time to change the perspective. Be able
to adjust this. Be able to take a look at things in a more balanced way. If you
have a lot of evidence over here and hardly any and if evidence over here, you
need to take a look at the way you're thinking. What you're focused on. But if
you want the relationship to turn out well, even though you're in a place of
doubt right now. If you want this relationship to turn out well, it's going
to be required of you to literally find 100 reasons why this is a great
relationship. 100. If you don't manage your mind, you can't manage your
relationship. Relationship is a connection. It's a physical connection,
it's an emotional connection and it's also a mind connection. And if your mind
wanders and starts looking for only the things that are wrong, it's just a matter
of time before the relationship is over or struggling. But it is a game-changer.
It is a game-changer to get the other side of your mind activated in finding
what is good. 100 different things that you love about this relationship. 100.
Before you ever even think about putting distance between you and the other
person in this relationship, do your list of 100. And if you want to go the extra
mile, a list of 200. I know you're thinking. "Oh, that's a lot of work." It's
worth the work because it has to do with your relationship. And not doing the mind
work, not making the change in the direction of your mind, you're going to
keep going towards that other evidence. And sooner or later, you'll push them
away. Or you'll go away. But if you sense some doubt, check in with how your mind
is balanced. It could just be tipped and you can do something about it today to
tip it back. So you can feel confident and sure that you're in a great
relationship. Make the list of 100. And do it soon. Don't let that doubt stay
between the 2 of you. It's not going to help at all. Take a look at your mind, tip
it back. Makes a huge difference. And take some action on that today. Your
relationships worth it. Relationships are powerful. It's worth
the work. And hey, check us out on the rest of our
videos here on our YouTube channel by subscribing. So you don't miss any of the
great training we have coming to you. And also, you want to check out our training
course called royalty and romance. It's all about bringing those relationships
even closer. Your relationships are worth it.