- We're back and we're gonna play Dream Daddy.
- I had such a good time with Robert
that I came back to see if I can get a couple
extra daddies under my belt.
- People apparently like this?
I don't understand people at all.
However, if it gets me another chance at Mr. Vega,
I'm gonna take it.
- We just left our meeting with Mr. Vega.
- Should we go to the mall
or should we make something at home?
- We should go to the mall.
- Dinner at home.
Going to the mall is a waste of money.
- I'm saying, oh well you can talk
to me about anything, Amanda,
but also don't,
I don't wanna know what you're doing.
- Who're you textin'?
Noah.
Who's Noah?
Ooh, she's got a boyfriend.
- She's not allowed to date.
I'm the only one dating in this family,
I don't think I'm ready for my daughter
to be dating because then I have
to talk about sex.
- Do you like Noah?
- What?
No, dad, ugh!
I can't believe you would...
Dad.
I think the lady doth protest too much.
Amanda and I order some Chinese food,
not Vega related,
not interested.
So, we're at the mall.
We approach the food court,
evaluate our options.
- Something's bothering me a while.
Can you explain memes to me?
Wait, I'm a lame dad?
- Which meme?
All the memes.
(chuckling)
- Am I like a dad who pronounce memes me-me?
- Changing the subject, where to now?
Wanna go to that goth store?
- Why are we going to the goth store?
Oh, we're gonna meet vampire daddy.
I'm really scared.
- Look, this is very important to me.
Ooh, it's Vampire Dad.
Twilight!
He's not quite Twilight though.
A he's not sparkling,
B he doesn't look like a teenager.
Listen, when I bought this online,
the website said the blouse was Victorian-inspired,
however when I received it,
it clearly held the trademark of Edwardian dressage.
This guy's a little extra.
- Oh, he seem pompous too.
Not only is he a vampire but he seems like an asshole.
Is a manager present?
Oh, he's one of those dads?
Those are the worst people.
- I feel like people that get this worked up
they might not be for Clark.
I think Clark's the kind of guy
that's a little bit more smooth sailin'.
He's also the type of guy
that's really into Craig.
- So, what's that guy's deal?
That's Damien.
He's in here all the time
and he's obsessed with Victorian fashion.
Of course he is 'cause he's a vampire.
- We make our way out of the store
and head home to get some rest.
- The least I went home alone tonight.
Last time I slept at someone else's house.
- Robert continues to unbuckle my belt
and he guides me to the bed.
Let's have some fun.
Wow!
And the screen just goes dark,
the room is messy.
Oh crap, my daughter.
I'm gonna have to do the walk of shame.
And I left Amanda all to herself.
I'm doing better today.
- Excited for the cookout?
Oh, we're going to a cookout?
- I'll say if there's food, I'm excited.
But it's really if there's Vega, I'm excited.
- We're over to Joseph's house.
It's already packed with people
and smells like hot dogs in the air
and small children running through sprinklers.
Oh, this is so cute.
I wave and get his attention.
The moment he sees us, he jogs over, arms open.
His arms are open.
We already know where this is going.
- Let me introduce you to my family.
Kids, come over here.
We already met his kids
and they're horrible.
- Why do all of these children look like demons?
This is straight out of The Shining.
I don't care how rich you are Joseph,
your children are going to murder me.
- Another creepy woman.
That's great.
Mary.
- This is his wife?
They look like they have very boring,
missionary sex all the time.
We met her last time?
She's that boring that I literally don't
even remember her.
Good to see fresh meat in here?
Yikes, Mary.
Mary looks like she's about to pass out.
This is the woman that hit on me?
Wow!
Oh, this is so awkward, this is so awkward.
Joseph has no idea that she tried to screw me
but I'm trying to screw him.
This is a whole terrible, terrible love triangle.
Nice aahh, to meet you, Mary.
For the first time!
You two enjoy the barbecue,
all the guys are really excited to meet you.
I bet they are.
- Ginger daddy's here.
The dead, goth guy's here.
Amanda's teacher's here.
Craig!
- Daddy orgy.
- I talk to Mat, Hugo, and Craig.
More like talk to Hugo
and if I have to Mat and Craig.
- I think if I had to pick my top three,
this would be the top three daddies.
- Hugo looks a lot like Tom Selleck
now that I see him again.
If anything, I'm into it.
- Okay, we're talking about art again.
This is like intellectual dad.
Craig leans in.
Okay, Craig.
- Craig gives me a playful punch on the shoulder.
- It always starts with a punch,
and then it becomes a touch,
and then a touch becomes sex.
Always.
- The kind of comparison just eliminates
the reason art movements are so important
in the first place.
I dunno what he's saying but I totally agree.
- Whoa, Mat has a daughter too.
It's a flower crown.
I thought you'd like it.
Cute, isn't it?
Well, there's only one way to find out.
Mat takes the flower crown
and places it on the top of his head
So, Mat's in touch with his feminine side.
I'm willing to explore all sides of Mat.
- She's definitely a charmer.
Speaking of which, where did my son go?
He's got a son?
- Ernest!
Ernest, of course his name is Ernest Hemingway.
- That's another dad allusion.
- Hugo walks back, oh, oh yikes.
- Nice to meet you, Ernest.
Look at that mustache.
- Oh, he's got like a mean face.
Oh god.
Oh that's so mean.
- Yeah, I think Hugo's out for me
'cause I can't deal with Ernest
'cause I'd have to kill him.
- What?
They all left!
I don't wanna talk to Robert and Brian
or Joseph and Damien.
I'm gonna do burger time.
Ah it's Joseph.
- I think I need to go talk to Robert,
so we can just go over what we did.
Maybe this can be a friends with benefits moment.
Hey guys.
I'm already awkward.
I feel awkward right now.
Have you met Robert yet?
Yes.
I believe we met briefly.
I mean, briefly into somethin' like yes,
briefs were involved, briefs stopped being involved.
He robotically extends his hand to shake it
and stares unblinkingly into his eyes.
Oh god, what does it mean?
Does he not remember me?
'Cause that makes me feel like
I am terrible in bed.
- Why don't you add us all on DadBook?
That's not even a dad joke.
That's a bad joke.
Nailed it.
- DadBook, yeah, it's a great social network
for dads to keep in touch with each other.
It makes me think keep in touch with each other literally.
- I hope this is a mechanic in the game
where I can see where my relationships are at
'cause I want to get there.
- Sorry, I'm just an old-fashioned dad.
Social media goes over my head sometimes.
Don't worry Pops, I'll help you get it figured out.
My daughter's gonna help me
essentially create a daddy dating site.
- Amanda and I walk back to our place.
Hugo-less.
Felt like I was at a networking event.
I did!
I just wanted to be talkin' to the guy who can help me.
Help me find love.
- Big plans for the evening?
Actually yeah, I'm going somewhere
with some friends.
With Noah.
Is it Noah?
Man, it's almost midnight.
I should check in with Amanda.
Send a text.
Hey kiddo, you good?
Yeah, why is she not texting me back?
This is weird.
- Check my watch again, then my phone, nothing.
Amanda, where are you, please?
Oh, she's here.
This is the great parenting moment,
I'm glad you're okay,
but now I'm mad.
Sweetie, thank god you're safe,
but now that I know she's okay, I'm really mad.
I know how to be a dad.
I'm pretty good at it.
- You can't just be like, you didn't see my text.
She had to be with Noah.
Goddammit.
Stop treating me like I'm a child.
Oh, I'm about to get into a fight with her.
I didn't mean that.
She's gonna go to bed.
- I thought about what you said last night,
I should've texted you.
That's right.
- That's all I want.
I'm just a dad lookin for another dad
who wants a daughter that cares.
- One more thing before you go.
Let's get on DadBook.
If you had one thing to take with you
into a desert island, what would it be?
Castaway for instructional purposes,
a boat, obviously,
I could say he doesn't need anything.
'Cause he's Clark Kent
and he could probably fly away
because he is Super Man.
- What are your turn-ons?
I think it's interesting that a book
that's supposed to connect dads asks
about what turns him on.
This is literally like a Grindr for dads.
- What's your ideal date?
Napping together!
I'm a sleepy dad!
What do you never leave home without?
A cool knife.
I'm a sleepy, stabby dad.
- You should message one of them.
More than one of them.
All of these dads seem pretty interesting.
So, is she aware - Welcome, you've got dads!
that I'm on a dating website?
Oh, I got some dads.
- Who should I message?
Robert was super awkward with me,
I think I should let that go,
but I am interested in Mat.
I think he's cool,
so let's see what happens.
- There's no hearts filled in.
I'm assuming that's the goal.
- What are your turn-ons?
I thought it said mustaches but it said muscles,
and I got excited and quickly sad.
I don't think he's gonna be into me.
This is a weird reflective moment.
- What are your turn-ons?
A sub six-minute mile.
Clark does not have that,
unless you count flying.
- Let's message him.
Let's just go for it.
Hey man, great time getting to see you at the barbecue.
We should definitely hang out soon.
- Oh, he's quick at texting back.
That's perfect.
- I'm so glad you messaged me
and I definitely want to hang out sometime,
but I have a huge favor to ask.
He might not really be interested in me.
Our class is going on a field trip
to the aquarium today and one of our chaperones is sick.
I don't care, I'll do it!
- Hey dude, I'd be so down for that.
I'm actually catching a show tonight at The Sound Garden.
Wanna come?
Why not?
Let's do it!
- Bro, my man!
Let's definitely hang soon!
Might be a little different from our old
weekend-long benders, but it'll still be fun.
I should see if Amanda,
no, Amanda should not join me.
Ugh!
She's coming.
She's coming on my dad date.
- So, I show up to the coffee shop,
Mat is out front, locking the door to the shop.
Hey, you made it!
Ready for tonight?
Yes, of course, I definitely know what I'm talkin' about.
Ready?
I was born ready!
Yes!
Any situation, any outcome, I can handle it.
I sleep with one eye open
and I am prepped to kill.
Yes, I'm into this.
Are you?
Oh, whoa, wait!
No, Mat, I didn't mean to piss you off!
- Amanda and I make the short drive
out to the local softball field
for a kid's softball game, it's pretty packed.
The game starts and the kids run out onto the field.
I see Craig by the dugout with a clipboard.
He has River strapped to his chest, as per usual.
There's a guy in a pancake costume
doing jumping jacks, I really don't care about him.
- Classes start filing into the aquarium
and Hugo hands out massive stapled packets
of paper to each kid.
Yeah they groan.
They just wanna see some fish!
What's in the packet?
Honestly, it's just busywork
so that the teachers can have a moment's reprieve.
I think one of the questions asks them
to sit quietly for 10 minutes and think
about the Great Barrier Reef.
Although you should think about the Great Barrier Reef
because it's dying and that's sad.
So, look it up!
- After waiting in a short line,
we get in, we finally find ourselves in a small venue
with a stage.
Mat, you made it!
A younger kid runs up and high fives Mat.
Wait, why does he know so many children?
- Craig's team won.
Craig, great work man!
Thanks, we've been working hard all season.
Proud of all of our girls.
Speaking of which, have you met Briar and Hazel?
No, I haven't.
They are so cute.
She already looks like she could be their older sister.
Clark, bro, I just got a couple more things
to clean up, then we can hang.
We can hang.
Just then, one of the moms jumps
in on the conversation.
Janet.
Janet's moving in on my man.
She lays her hand on his shoulder
and give him goo goo eyes.
Man, this mom is laying it on thick.
Janet, you need to back off.
- Mat and I walk over to a small table
where it's a crusty-looking teenager
guarding the selection of t-shirts and records.
Crusty is literally the best way
to describe this person.
How's about a fine 12 inch.
Whoa, wait.
Tally ho, good sir!
Why not?
A fine question from a discerning patron.
Oh!
Wow!
Mat and Pablo are friends.
I'm impressing his friends,
that means Mat is also gonna be impressed by me.
Your mom doing better?
She's still single, if you wanna be my Dad I could--
Whoa Pablo.
Is Ryan cool?
Depends on who you ask.
Mat eyes me.
I eye him back.
He cracks a smile, yeah.
- That's a lionfish.
Did you know that their stomachs can expand
up to thirty times in size?
He's so smart.
Their spines are venomous too.
Nature's hardcore.
Why am I so dumb?
He says smart things and then I respond to him
with like, oh that's super cool.
Hugo seems to know a lot about fish.
I feel the overwhelming need to impress him.
Hey, see that fish over there?
That's the..
Well, I don't see anything so.
Don't say wigglyfish.
American Longfin sounds like a real fish.
What is happening?
Paranormal fish trivia.
Contrary to popular believe,
it is not an actual vampire.
That's the vampire fish.
I'm joking, I'm joking.
Please find it funny.
Yes!
- A different mom walks up to us,
talking to Craig as if we weren't even there.
Martha.
Craig, thank you so much for looking out for our kids.
My daughter tells me every day
about how great you are.
Martha, get out.
I finally think I have time to talk to Craig.
Yes!
Dad, can you help us beat our record on DDR?
DDR was my childhood.
No, wait, Craig don't leave me.
Don't leave me Craig.
No.
It's all good buddy.
It's not all good, buddy.
I'm left alone, alone with my daughter.
I mean, I'm left alone with my daughter!
Janet, you're friends with Craig right?
Yeah, we went to college together.
So, do you know if he's available?
No, he's not Janet.
Craig's gonna get outta here with me.
Yeah!
Oh, Amanda's going home.
Special dad time.
Mat and I walk over to the stage
where the crowd begins to form.
My name's Daniel, let's start the show.
Okay, oh no.
Oh, whoa, why do you not like these people Mat?
Without time to respond,
the band starts playing.
Okay, whoa.
Okay.
Oh, oh!
This sounds terrible!
Why are we here?
So, you go to a lot of concerts out here, huh?
Yeah, I think I should ask him again.
So, you go to a lot of concerts out here, huh?
Wow, I'm gonna ask him one more time,
'cause I feel like I have to talk to him,
only so I don't have to hear this terrible music.
Ah!
He got the hearts, he got the hearts!
- After a while I look and see Hugo again.
He's gazing up at the aquarium in childlike wonder.
That's what I like about him.
He looks really cute in this light.
I hope he doesn't notice me staring.
I walk over to join him!
Oh, oh my gosh.
I'd rather stare at you.
We can learn a great deal from mother ocean.
Are those two sharks kissing?
This is too early to say I'd rather stare at you.
But maybe that's what he likes.
This is the smart thing
and I think this is what he'd like.
A great many mysteries lie in the ocean.
It's truly fascinating to be able to observe it
in a setting such as this.
Yeah!
Alright, I got eggplants.
I think that means we're gonna bone.
We stand here for a minute.
We're not gonna bone here.
There's children around.
- We stand in the middle of the empty baseball diamond
and start tossing the ball back and forth.
The voice actor has a really attractive voice.
I can't believe I'm looking back
on my Kegstand Craig days and reminiscing about it.
Those were some good times.
I don't know anyone else who could pull off
the rare horizontal keg stand.
Whoa!
Oh my gosh, okay, here we go.
This is what we've been training for.
Ask him about coaching softball,
ask about the business
ask about his kids,
or that's enough for now.
It is not enough for now.
We're gonna ask about something.
We're gonna say softball
because I know he really likes sports.
Yes!
Nailed it!
So, is softball coach the life you wanted
or is that just the life that was thrust upon you?
Good one, Clark.
I'll admit..
I can't even read it anymore,
I'm just so excited.
This is really embarrassing how real this has gotten.
- I suddenly have the urge to pee.
Curse my tiny daddy bladder.
No, you have to hold it.
So, I squeeze my way through the crowd to the restroom.
I really should've gone before.
Yes, what am I thinking?
As soon as I finish my business,
the band starts.
Crap.
How am I ever gonna find Mat?
Whoa!
Wait, is the date over?
Did I fail the date?
Oh, oh.
This looks like some weird Minecraft thing.
Everyone's rushing to the main stage with PUP.
I'm sure Mat will be up there too,
I've gotta find him before I'm trampled
by these rowdy youths.
- [Narrator] Find that dad!
- Find that dad!
Do I click?
Oh, okay.
Oh wait, I think I need a heart.
Oh, whoa, oh!
I'm actually quite terrified.
I don't know where my health is,
I think I'm gonna die soon.
There are also several stages here.
This is worse than Coachella.
Okay, wait, wait, wait,
I think this is the end.
Nope, nope, another stage.
Shit.
No, no, no!
No!
I think I lost.
I died!
Where am I?
Wait a minute, I have to watch this by myself?
This sucks.
- Make our way to the touch tank room.
Hugo rolls up his sleeve and sticks his hand in the water.
Don't you wanna pet some rays, babe?
He didn't say babe, I put that in there.
I think I should just stay over here
and admire them from a respectable distance.
He's gonna ghost me right now.
He's gonna like,
put my hands on the rays.
Against my better judgment I approach the tank.
Slowly dipping my hand in the cold water.
I touch the stingray that glides past me.
This is all in slow motion by the way.
Things get a lot less scary
when you learn more about them right?
I would have hearts.
Animate some hearts Kelsey.
Dive my hand back in the touch tank
with a renewed vigor for ocean life.
My hand brushes against Hugo's
as we reach for the same anemone.
I pull away blushing.
Hugo smiles at me.
It's gonna happen.
Just don't fuck it up Matt.
Hey, you're supposed to be touchin' the fish.
He likes it though.
Sorry, I get a little carried away.
Wait, that girl over there looks suspicious.
Yes, we have to do our jobs Hugo,
we don't have time.
Is she stealing fish?
- We are gonna ask about the kids next.
Nailed it.
I don't think I've ever cared about anything
as much as I care about them.
Fatherhood's so cute.
Okay, now we're gonna ask about business.
He loved that too.
Must be good to get away from the softball moms
for a bit, huh.
Christ, Janet.
I'm just so not interested.
Well, what are you interested in?
We're circlin' in on that conversation
that people always have.
What kind of person are you looking for?
What would you say your type is?
I just can't get back into dating right now.
I couldn't even if I wanted to, there's no time.
Craig.
You're doing a great job,
the right person will come along eventually,
hit softballs, don't get hit on by moms.
I think I should tell him that he's doing a great job.
He liked it.
- The show ends and I finally wait for Mat outside.
After a minute or two, Mat spots me, good.
Dude!
Next time I guess we'll have to hold hands
the entire time so we don't lose each other, huh?
We can hold hands and hold anything you wanna hold.
Okay, so it's good that I lost him.
It's cute.
You hungry?
Hungry for a few things, Mat.
Oh wow, we go to this cute diner.
Being a single dad is rough sometimes.
It's a lonely feeling.
Well, Mat, I'm here to comfort you.
I never really considered myself an extrovert
and never really considered myself an introvert.
I'm just uncomfortable in every situation.
It's weird how much this character is actually like me.
You're fine, you're actually really easy
to talk to, you know?
I'm actually blushing thinking about this.
Mat and I spend the rest of the night together
trading daughter stories.
It turns out our daughters are a lot alike.
We would make a perfect family.
We can start a band.
Amanda can take pictures of us.
I can manage the band.
Mat and Carmen can sing.
Oh, wow, I've already planned our lives.
It was really cool to have you there with me.
I'm calling it quits for the night.
No, wait, no, no, no, no, no.
No!
He left.
But he did call me cool.
I want more than to just be cool.
Like, what the hell?
- There's a student in the penguin enclosure.
Oh my god.
Alright, I'm gonna get this kid
out of the penguin enclosure
and then Hugo's really gonna appreciate me.
And maybe kiss me on the mouth.
I'll try and relate to her.
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
If this works, Hugo's gonna be mine.
Oh, I just bribe her, okay.
With $12 and a button.
Pay me eight later and we have a deal.
Move to shake on it and suddenly you realize
there's a wave of penguins on their way.
- [Narrator] Block that bird!
Oh my gosh, this is another mini game.
What is this, a knife?
Wait, oh!
Okay.
Oh, I can shoot shit.
What?
No!
I was pressin the buttons.
Fuck.
Get out penguins!
Alright.
Oh my god.
Oh wait!
Oh shit.
We make our way back to the school buses.
Let me just get a little kiss.
There's nothing on earth more satisfying
than a good cheese board.
Yeah!
Alright.
Gotta go make sure the kids don't steal anything else.
Bye!
- While I'm distracted I miss the softball
and it hits me right on the head.
That sounds right.
Craig runs over to me.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Wait, lemme do the dad thing for a second.
He examines my head!
This is so romantic!
It's worse than I thought.
Don't tell me you have to kiss it to make it better.
You would be so lucky.
I mean.
That was planned or I mean?
I mean
(giggles)
I kinda wanna be like I mean.
I think I'm gonna do it.
Why is my heart beating?
I feel like I'm putting it all on the line here
but really it's just a game.
Okay, I mean.
I feel like I've earned it at this point.
Waiting all day to hang out with you.
Well...
He kissed me!
So good at this game.
I'm so much better at dating in this game.
It's giving me all the anxiety of actual flirting
but then if it doesn't work out,
it's not the end of the world
because it doesn't matter.
This games' the best.
We get back to our cars.
Craig pulls me into a hug,
or at least as much as we can manage
with a baby between us.
Never enough time, huh?
Guess not.
Let me make it up to you.
Let's hang soon, yeah?
Yes!
I'd like that.
I would like that.
Oh!
Date complete!
- [Craig] Man, that was amazing.
- Keg-Stand Champion one out of three.
Does that men we jut need to do two more dates
with Craig then we win?
Then we win Craig's heart?
Is that what it means?
- So, okay, the date's complete.
Wow, I don't know if we, okay.
I got a couple of daddy points
and a couple of dad points.
- [Mat] Yeah man.
- I got a B?
That sucks.
- I think I nailed that date.
Yeah.
There's no way I didn't get an A.
- [Hugo] I'm J.K. Rowling with the light.
- What does S mean?
Is that S for sex?
- We unlocked the achievement,
Craig is now our boyfriend.
I mean, I don't know,
we'd have to keep playing the game.
- But the thing is I think I made good progress.
- I've learned something about myself.
And that's that I'm very into people
who are exactly like me.
And I'll take that with me forever.
- [Kelsey] Let me know in the comments below
if you wanna see us play this game again,
because oh my gosh, I just wanna know how it ends.
How does it end?
Do we get married?
(energetic music)