[YMS] So I just saw Captain America: The 2016 presidential election, and it was good.
And by good, I mean as good as it possibly can be without straying away from the Marvel-Hollywood-Blockbuster-formula whatsoever.
There wasn't anything about the film that stood out as exceptional, but that doesn't really make it a bad movie either.
I mean, it is a Marvel movie, so honestly, what do you expect at this point?
It might be dumb fun, but at least it was fun.
Now, I watched the first two Captain America movies to prepare for this one.
I mean, I don't really care all that much about Captain America, but I wanted to see Spider-Man and I wanted to see Black Panther,
so I felt as though I needed to watch the first two movies to understand what was going on in this one.
And this is exactly what Marvel wants!
"Hey! Are you interested in seeing this movie? Well you better see these other movies you're not interested in first!
You don't wanna be confused, do you?!"
The first Captain America: not my thing. His oversized head was also very distracting.
Captain America: Winter Soldier was much better,
although with the timeline of The Avengers movies, I couldn't help but think:
"Where the fuck is everybody else while the world is being attacked?
Aren't there, like, several other superheroes that could be helping you out with this?
You're not even going to wonder where they are?"
Captain America: Civil War was probably my favorite,
although it wasn't really so much a Captain America movie as it was another Avengers movie.
Like, why even do stand-alone films anymore at this point?
Are the stand-alone Black Panther and Spider-Man films going to take place before this movie?
Or maybe they'll forget that all of these other characters exist?
Anyway, like I said, this movie was good and it was entertaining.
The combat sequences were actually vastly improved from the first two films.
The music was exactly the same as any other Marvel movie, but again, not necessarily a bad thing.
One of the more interesting achievements from every Marvel Disney movie
is that the music is so incredibly formulated and by-the-books and yet somehow, it's not at all displeasing to listen to.
It should be no surprise that the weakest element of this film was the plot.
You see, superhero movies are the new Pro Wrestling.
Sure, there's acting, music, lighting, and directing involved,
but at the end of the day, you're not really there to watch theater,
you're really just there to see your favorite mustly man in a colorful suit
get mad at other mustly men in colorful suits before showing off their signature moves.
The actual plot and theatrics of it are a vessel for these things to happen, but at the end of the day, they're not really as much of a priority.
Pretty much the entire movie, they beat you over the head with the film's overarching moral dilemma.
You see, every time The Avengers save the entire world from being absolutely obliterated, there are a few casualties.
I mean, just try to imagine the body count of all the never developed offscreen characters from the previous films.
So their solution is that The Avengers will no longer be able to save the world,
unless it is first approved by the bureaucratic powers at the United Nations.
And somehow, everybody seems to be on board with this, except Captain America.
Like, really? You all don't see how this is a terrible idea?
I shit you not, they had them stand in a room while they played a video montage of offscreen casualties from the previous films.
Like, "Remember those several times where you guys saved the entire fucking planet from being destroyed
and a few people died instead of seven billion?
That blood's on your hands, Iron Man! Who's going to AVENGE my son, UGH!"
One of the lines from Iron Man was: "We need to be put in check.",
and all I could think was: "Really? By people who aren't you?"
If you're apparently not able to make decisions about whether or not you should be going into combat,
then how can you say you're able to make the decision
about whether or not you're able to make the decision about whether or not you should go into combat?
Like, it's perfectly okay for people to have stupid ideas in a movie,
but isn't it a little annoying when those stupid ideas just so happen to be accepted
by almost all of the main characters for the sake of a plot convenience?
Whatever, they gotta be mad at each other somehow.
This is democrat vs republican time and our strategically calculated superhero movies have to reflect that.
Pick a side, whose side are you on? Red vs Blue, us vs them.
Drama drama drama drama drama drama!
Whose side are you on? (3x)
Pick a side! (5x)
You know what? I am picking sides, because Iron Man's a piece of shit!
I mean, I can't really say that I was ever a fan of him in the first place, but holy fuck, is he ever such an asshole in this movie!
I mean, the film had to have him on the side of an argument that is fairly indefensible,
so every time he winds up defending those ideas as a character, he only winds up looking like a massive fucking hypocrite.
Can't really be too specific about it without going into spoiler territory, so here's your warning.
If you wanna skip spoiler talk, please click to this point in the video.
I warned you. 3, 2, 1.
So basically, the film itself is faced with a moral dilemma.
"How can we make it so that Iron Man and his friends take a stance against casualties during combat,
but also get into a fight scene with Captain America without having any casualties during combat?"
Basically, they have this huge fight scene where they destroy an entire airport,
but within about a minute of it taking place, we have a small line of Captain America saying: "He's evacuating the airport".
Oh okay, that makes sense.
Like, Captain America is in the airport parking garage,
assembling his crew together, so they can fight the bad guy without government interference,
and somehow Iron Man finds him there and evacuates the entire airport within, like, a minute.
And if the evacuation started any earlier, don't you think that these characters meeting at the airport would have noticed something?
Like: "Hey, what's with these crowds of people leaving the airport?"
Or: "Hey, why is there literally nobody at the airport?"
I don't know, it was kind of just a funny excuse that served no other purpose,
other than to make Iron Man look slightly less of a hypocrite.
I mean, could you imagine if Iron Man showed up and was like: "We gotta take you down! There are too many civilian casualties!",
only to have a fight scene with Captain America and accidentally kill hundreds more people.
"Damn, we sure solved that one!"
Then at the end of the movie, he's literally trying to kill the Winter Soldier for his own twisted vigilante justice.
Seriously? I mean, it's not so much a flaw with the film, as it is a flaw with just Iron Man.
But holy fuck, is he ever an asshole!
He literally shows up at Peter Parker's house and is like: "Wow, this impressionable kid, I can get him to do my bidding!"
Also, I don't know about you guys, but I liked Spider-Man a lot better when he wasn't an obnoxious child.
Black Panther's introduction was pretty cool, but they didn't really explain fucking anything.
They really just left it at: "Oh, I know we included this character in this film,
but if you wanna know anything about him, you gotta see the Black Panther movie." So I guess I will.
I felt like the way they handled his father's death scene was way too cheesy and formulated.
"Oh no! All this dramatic slow motion while my dad's dying on the ground in front of me!
It's a good thing that explosion just happened to leave his body lying perfectly face up at me, or else it wouldn't have been as dramatic."
I shit you not, his head was even propped up on a rock like a fucking pillow.
Now, when I say this movie is formulated, I'm not just talking about the conveniences.
Like, when that truck flipped at the beginning and just so happened not to block the path of the other trucks that were trying to break in,
I'm mostly talking about the fact that you can't even be surprised at all when you watch a Marvel movie at this point.
Like, did anybody even think that Don Cheeto's character had any chance of dying whatsoever?
They set these things up as though there's some sort of real consequence to the events that are happening in the film,
and as I'm watching, all I can think is: "Please, just kill one of them!
Kill just one of them so it doesn't continue to seem as though they are all incapable of being killed off!"
But once again: Nope! He got paralysed a little, but he'll recover. Don't worry about it, he'll show up in the next movies. Fuck off!
Even near the end of the film, I was like: "Please, just kill Iron Man already!"
KILL SOMEBODY, GOD!
Nope! He's fine! Also, everybody is friends again at the end of the movie, okay. Thanks Marvel.
Anyway, I'd recommend this movie as some good old-fashioned dumb fun.
Don't let me stop you from watching it, because obviously, I'm not exactly a fan of superhero movies to begin with anyway.
I am aware that a few of the points I made in this review can be chalked up to personal preference,
so don't worry, because those points had zero impact on my overall rating for the film.
And I'm giving this one a six out of ten.
[Subtitles by Abel Boeschoten]
[Editing by John Joyce]