FOLKS, IT'S NO SECRET, EVERY NIGHT I SPEND MY TIME
GOING THROUGH THE NEWEST, MOST-FASHIONABLE STORIES AND
CAREFULLY STYLING THEM ON THE CHIC STOREFRONT MANNEQUIN THAT
THAT IS MY SEGMENT, "MEANWHILE."
IT MAKES ALL BETTER, "MEANWHILE "MAKES ALL BETTER.
IT'S THE OPIATE OF THE MASSES.
MEANWHILE, A DEAF MAN FROM BROOKLYN IS SUING THE WEBSITE
PORNHUB OVER A LACK OF CLOSED CAPTIONING.
( LAUGHTER )
I DO NOT BLAME THIS GUY.
IF YOU CAN'T HEAR, YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO FIGURE OUT THAT THE
LONELY HOUSEWIFE DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH CASH TO PAY THE PIZZA
BOY, BUT WITHOUT CLOSED CAPTIONING, HOW DO YOU KNOW
SHE ORDERED IT WITH EXTRA SAUSAGE.
ACCORDING TO THE MAN'S LAWSUIT, "PORN WEBSITES ARE 'PLACES OF
PUBLIC ACCOMMODATION.'" OKAY, I'M GOING TO STOP RIGHT
THERE.
IT'S ONE THING IN YOUR OWN HOME, BUT PLEASE DON'T ACCOMMODATE
YOURSELF IN PUBLIC.
( LAUGHTER )
STANFORD UNIVERSITY HAVE CREATED A NEW DRONE THAT MIMICS
THE FLIGHT OF REAL PIGEONS, WHICH THEY ACHIEVED BY CREATING
WINGS THAT IMITATE "A BIRD'S WRIST AND FINGER."
I KNOW WE DON'T USUALLY THINK OF BIRDS AS HAVING WRISTS AND
FINGERS, BUT YOU CAN SEE THEM QUITE CLEARLY IN THIS
PHOTO.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS )
MEANWHILE, RECENT GOLDEN GLOBE WINNER "AWKWAFINA WILL VOICE THE
7 TRAIN FROM QUEENS ANNOUNCEMENTS FOR A WEEK."
HERE'S AN ACTUAL SAMPLE:
>> Stephen: SOUNDS FANTASTIC.
NOT TO BE OUTDONE, LAGUARDIA AIRPORT'S T.S.A.
ANNOUNCEMENTS WILL NOW FEATURE THEIR OWN FUN CELEBRITY
CAMEO: >> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE
KEEP PERSONAL BELONGINGS WITH YOU AT ALL TIMES"
( LIAM NEESON FROM "TAKEN" )
>> "IF YOU DON'T, I WILL LOOK FOR YOU.
I WILL FIND YOU, AND I WILL KILL YOU."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: SPOOKY.
>> Jon: THAT'S A LOT THERE.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> Jon: CREEPY.
>> Stephen: MEANWHILE, AT THE AUSTRALIAN OPEN TENNIS
QUALIFIERS ON SUNDAY, A CHAIR UMPIRE REPRIMANDED FRENCH TENNIS
PLAYER ELLIOT BENCHETRIT FOR ASKING THE BALLGIRL TO PEEL HIS
BANANA FOR HIM, APPARENTLY STRUGGLING WITH SWEATY HANDS AND
BAND-AIDS ON HIS FINGERS.
LOOK, I KNOW IT'S A TIRED CLICHE THAT AMERICANS MAKE FUN OF THE
FRENCH FOR BEING SO QUICK TO SURRENDER.
AND I'M GOING TO DO IT AGAIN RIGHT NOW.
( MOCKING FRENCH ACCENT )
BANANA.
PLEES, LEETLE GIRL, 'ELP ME WEETH ZEE FRUIT.
I CANNOT RUIN MY BAND-AIDS.
FOR ZEY 'AVE SCOOBY-DOO ON ZEM."
"LITTLE SPONGEBOB SQUARE PANTS."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH PATRICK STEWART.