I SAY RIGHT NOW WE TURN TOWARDS THE MIDDLE EAST.
>> YEMEN EVOLVES INTO CHAOS. SAUDI TANKS ON THEIR WAY TO THE
BORDER.
>> IRAN DEPLOYING ITS WARSHIPS TO THE GULF OF ADEN.
>> A MUCH LARGER PROXY WAR BETWEEN SHIITES AND SUNNIS.
>> YEMEN HAS LONG BEEN HOME TO AL QAEDA.
>> THE HOUTHI REBELS HAVE TAKEN OVER SANAA.
>> THE U.S. ALSO STEPPING UP AIR STRIKES ON ISIS.
>> IT'S GETTING VERY, VERY COMPLICATED.
>> Jon: WELL, TO BE FAIR, HE IS EASILY CONFUSED.
BUT IN THIS CASE, IT'S TRUE.
THERE'S SO MANY PROXY WARS GOING ON IN THE MIDDLE EAST,
IT ALMOST APPEARS AT TIMES THAT WE ARE FIGHTING OURSELVES.
TO HELP US UNDERSTAND TO THE VARIOUS ANGLES OF OPERATION
SANDY QUAGMIRE WE ARE JOINED BY SENIOR MIDDLE EAST
CORRESPONDENT BASSEM YOUSSEF.
BASSEM, THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE, MY FRIEND.
GREAT TO SEE YOU. GREAT TO SEE YOU, BASSEM.
>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
>> Jon: NICE TO SEE YOU.
>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
WHATEVER, JON, WHATEVER.
YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. YEAH.
>> Jon: I GOT TO TELL, YOU SEEM LESS THAN EXCITED TO BE
HERE.
LAST TIME IT SEEMED LIKE YOU WERE EXCITED TO BE HERE.
WHAT IS UP, BASSEM. TALK TO ME.
>> YEAH, NOTHING.
ALTHOUGH I SEE THAT WHILE I WAS AWAY, YOU PICKED SOME
OTHER GUY TO REPLACE YOU.
>> Jon: TREVOR NOAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
HE'S GOING TO REPLACE ME ON THE PROGRAM WHEN I LEAVE.
THAT'S, THAT'S --
>> SO YOU WANTED A HANDSOME YOUNG COMEDIAN FROM AFRICA?
HELLO!
YEAH, YEAH!
WHAT, JON, EGYPT IS NOT AFRICAN ENOUGH FOR YOU?
>> Jon: OH YEAH, EGYPT IS IN AFRICA.
>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
SO JON, YOU CAN IMAGINE WHAT A BEAUTIFUL ROLLING STONE COVER
I WOULD HAVE HAD-- (LAUGHTER)
>> Jon: WHO IS HOLDING YOUR CHEST THERE?
>> THERE WAS SOMEONE HOLDING MY CHEST?
>> Jon: YES, I THINK SO.
>> WELL, ANYWAY, YOU HAD SOME QUESTIONS ABOUT THE MIDDLE
EAST.
>> Jon: YES.
>> YEAH SO, AS WE SAY WHERE I COME FROM, SHOOT.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.
SO HERE IS THE DEAL, HERE IS WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WE'RE FIGHTING ISIS AND AL QAEDA.
WE'RE TRYING TO KEEP NUKES AWAY FROM IRAN BUT NOW WE'RE
SOMEHOW INVOLVED IN A PROXY WAR IN YEMEN ON THE SIDE OF
IRAN BUT NOT-- HERE IS MY QUESTION, WHO SHOULD WE
WORRY ABOUT?
WHO IS ACTUALLY COMING TO KILL US?
>> NONE OF THEM.
>> Jon: GET THE [BLEEP] WHAT?
>> YEAH.
>> Jon: SAY THAT AGAIN.
>> WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. LET ME EXPLAIN.
OKAY, I WILL START WITH MY COUNTRY, EGYPT.
>> Jon: YOU KNOW IT IS IN AFRICA.
>> VERY GOOD, JON, YOU'RE LEARNING. OKAY, SO REMEMBER THE
MUSLIM BROTHERHOOD.
>> Jon: YES, YES, GUNS, BEARDS, SUNNI, BRIEFLY IN
CHARGE OF EGYPT.
>> YES, UNTIL THE MILITARY THREW THEM OUT WITH BACKING
FROM THE SAUDIS.
WELL NOW, THE SAUDIS AND THE EGYPTIAN ARMY ARE FIGHTING
SHIITE REBELS TOGETHER IN YEMEN.
AND GUESS WHO IS FIGHTING ALONGSIDE THEM.
>> Jon: YES, YES, IT'S CHUCK NORRIS.
>> YES, CLOSE, THE MUSLIM BROTHERHOOD IN YEMEN.
>> Jon: THE MUSLIM BROTHERHOOD IN YEMEN ARE
ALLIES WITH THE GUYS WHO THREW THEM OUT OF EGYPT.
THEY'RE BUDDIES NOW.
>> OF COURSE NOT, THEY JUST LIKE HATE THE [BLEEP]
OUT OF EACH OTHER.
>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.
>> THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE POINTING THEIR GUNS AT THE
SAME PEOPLE RIGHT NOW.
AND GUESS WHO ELSE IS ROOTING FOR TEAM SAUDI?
>> Jon: CHUCK NORRIS' BROTHER?
>> CLOSE.
ISIS AND AL QAEDA.
THOSE ASSHOLES ARE SO HAPPY THAT SHIA ARE GETTING
KILLED IN YEMEN, THEY ARE POPPING THEIR HALAL CHAMPAGNE.
>> Jon: BUT THAT, SO THAT'S WHAT THIS IS THOUGH.
SO THE WAY TO FIGURE THIS OUT IS THE SUNNI SHIA SPLIT,
SUNNI'S ALWAYS GONNA HAVE A SUNNI'S BROTHER'S BACK.
>> YES. >> Jon: YES.
>> EXCEPT IN IRAQ.
>> Jon: GOD.
>> WHERE THE SUNNI COALITION IS FIGHTING ALONGSIDE THE SHI'A
MILITIAS AGAINST ISIS.
>> Jon: THIS IS NUTS -- IS THIS SOME KIND OF NEW PSYCHOLOGICAL
TERRORISM WHERE THEY TRY TO CONFUSE US TO DEATH?
>> LET ME PUT THIS IN TERMS YOU CAN UNDERSTAND.
YOU KNOW MARCH MADNESS?
>> Jon: OF COURSE I KNOW MARCH MADNESS.
>> GOOD. CONSIDER THIS CONSTANT INTRACTABLE MADNESS.
LOOK HOW MANY TEAMS HAVE TO PLAY AGAINST EACH OTHER AND
THIS IS JUST ONE DIVISION.
WE'RE NOT EVEN TO THE ELITE EIGHT YET.
AND AMERICA IS ALREADY IN THE FINALS.
>> Jon: WE'RE IN THE FINALS?
>> YES.
>> Jon: USA!
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT -- >> USA, USA.
>> Jon: WOW, REALLY.
>> THEY'RE SO LIKE WARMONGERS?
>> Jon: TALKING ABOUT GETTING US IN A WAR.
>> SERIOUSLY!
>> IS IT REALLY THAT EASY?
ALL RIGHT.
SO WHOEVER MAKES IT OUT OF THE ROUND OF 64, SUNNI,
SHI'A, MONARCHY, DEMOCRACY, INSURGENCY, TRIBAL, MILITARY,
THEOCRACY, WHATEVER TEAM,
ADVANCES TO THE FINAL ROUND.
>> GETS TO GO HEAD-TO-HEAD WITH THE GREAT SATAN.
THAT'S YOU.
>> Jon: WE KNOW.
>> YES.
>> Jon: SO WHO IS YOUR MONEY ON TO WIN THE WHOLE THING?
>> THE SAME PEOPLE WHO ALWAYS WIN, THE GUYS WHO RUN
THE GAME.
>> Jon: NCAA. THE NCAA.
>> NO, THE MCAM, MILITARY CONTRACTORS AND ARMS
MANUFACTURERS.
>> Jon: YEAH, I SEE.
>> YEAH. THEY MAKE MONEY OFF EVERY TEAM IN THE BRACKET,
AS LONG AS THERE IS MADNESS AND MARCHING, THEY WIN.