I remember sitting at my house in Maine,
and I just looked at the fireplace
and I thought, "What if I just put my baby in there
and walked away?
Oh, I could just leave my baby in the snowbank
here and just drive away."
And I'd picture myself driving away.
What kind of mother has thoughts like that?
The anxiety was piercing, and it was instant.
My husband and I were just so excited to have a baby.
You're a new mom; you have no idea what's going on.
You love this brand-new baby to death,
but you're terrified of these thoughts
that are swirling around in your head.
And then you think, "Well, I'm so tired.
What if I just snap?
What if I do these things?"
And you have a constant stream of "what ifs"
spinning through your head.
I had worked in radio for years.
I was well-spoken.
I was professional.
I had always been able to handle everything.
It felt like having a baby flipped my world upside down.
And that's when the darkness really hit me.
I would just try to suppress the thoughts on my own
because I thought, you know, "Just don't think this way.
Just think about something else."
But I knew I needed professional help.
I didn't know what was happening to me,
but I had to call somebody.
I sought out the help of my OB.
The OB prescribed me medication.
I kind of hesitated to take it.
I didn't know how it was going to make me feel.
But I was still suffering so badly in the moment
that I needed more help.
They recommended me to a therapist.
She was really able to peel back the layers
on some of the things that I was suffering with
and experiencing.
The therapist actually told me that I
was suffering with postpartum anxiety and OCD.
Once I finally had a name to what I was experiencing,
that brought tremendous relief in and of itself,
but then there was still a lot of work to do.
What happens a lot of the time with anxiety is,
it blocks your ability to feel anything.
All you feel is worry, and so it really blocks your ability
to feel God in your life.
The early days, I pleaded for relief.
I felt like my issue was bigger than the Atonement
of the Savior.
I felt like I couldn't rely on that because I
couldn't feel Him.
So I had to look for it in other ways.
I spend a lot of time thinking, "What if I get to that
point again?"
And that's kind of how anxiety works, too.
Not only do you worry about what you're worrying about,
but then you worry that the worry might come back,
and so you find yourself in a spiral really quickly.
My mom was able to come out and be with me,
which is huge in getting care for postpartum issues--having
somebody there 24/7 who could help me with the baby,
because I didn't feel like I could.
The fact that she could come had to be divine.
I feel like I have to rely on the Savior now
to help me not feel so isolated.
Someone is there with me.
Someone's comforting me, and somebody else loves my child.
Somebody else can give her love that maybe I can't.
Lucy.
Come on, Luce, do it.
Do it.
Yay!
Time is a big healer of postpartum issues.
People are willing to help you, and they say,
you know, even in passing, "What can I do for you?"
or "What do you need?" or "Can I help you?"
Don't say no.
Say yes.
Let them help you.
I can always look back and see the hand of God.
I knew that my husband's job change was not a coincidence.
I knew that my mother being able to come out
was not a coincidence.
I knew that me finding the right therapist,
the medication--you know, all of the pieces went together
at the right time to help me find relief.
I know now that there's no problem too big or too small
that the Savior can't fix.
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