( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MY FIRST GUEST IS AN OLD FRIEND.
HE STARS IN THE NEW APPLE TV+ SERIES, "THE MORNING SHOW."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW" STEVE CARELL!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen:.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
>> Stephen: NICE, EH?
WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER A LONG TIME.
>> I'VE KNOWN YOU LONGER THAN I'VE KNOWN MY WIFE.
>> Stephen: I'VE KNOWN YOU LONGER THAN I'VE KNOWN MY WIFE.
YEAH.
WE SHOULD BE TOGETHER.
>> I THINK SO.
>> Stephen: THEY DON'T DESERVE US!
WE'RE FAMOUS!
( LAUGHTER ) BUT I LOVE SEEING YOU, BUT IT IS
A LITTLE SURREAL TO HAVE YOU OUT ON THE SHOW, FOR "LATE SHOW"
STEPHEN COLBERT TO INTERVIEW MOVIE STAR STEVE CARELL BECAUSE
YOU'RE JUST THE GUY DOWN IN THE NEXT CUBBY CITY TO ME WHO IS
PUTTING STUFF ON THE FLOOR BECAUSE THERE ARE RATS DOWN
THERE.
>> DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN WE FOUND THE RAT?
>> Stephen: YES, I WAS THERE!
YOU REMEMBER WHEN RUBANO FREAKED OUT AND STARTED BEATING IT TO
DEATH WITH A FENCE POST?
>> YEAH, I HAD TO WALK OUT OF THE ROOM AT THAT POINT.
>> Stephen: I COULDN'T LOOK AWAY.
( LAUGHTER ) I WAS THE NEW GUY.
I GUESS THIS IS WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO, I GUESS THIS
HAPPENS EVERY NIGHT AT SECOND CITY.
>> KILL THE RAT!
KILL THE RAT!
>> Stephen: MM-HMM.
I FOUND A NEW STEVE CARELL I DIDN'T KNOW BEFORE, AND I HOPE
YOU CAN EXPLAIN WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.
THIS IS YOU -- WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THAT MUSTACHE RIGHT THERE?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU LIVED IN WITNESS PROTECTION
FOR MANY YEARS UNDER THE NAME RAMON GARCIA, I UNDERSTAND.
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
>> MY NICKNAME WAS APPARENTLY PEPE, FOR SOME REASON.
>> Stephen: HOW LONG DID YOU HAVE THE STASH, STEVE?
>> ON AND OFF ABOUT 30 YEARS.
>> Stephen: I NEVER KNEW YOU WITH A MUSTACHE.
>> I GREW A MUSTACHE TO PLAY LA CROSSE BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT
MADE ME LOOK FOR INTIMIDATING.
( LAUGHTER ) LOOK AT THIS!
>> Stephen: HOW OLD ARE YOU?
YOU LOOK LIKE A KNIGHT'S PAGE FROM 1312.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: HOW OLD ARE YOU HERE?
>> SEVENTEEN.
>> Stephen: 17.
YEAH.
I STARTED GROWING A BEARD WHEN I WAS, LIKE, 14.
IT WAS SUPER EASY.
>> Stephen: I KNOW.
YOU NEED TO SHAVE HALFWAY THROUGH THIS SER VIEW.
>> I KNOW.
I DO.
>> Stephen: A NUMBER OF GUESTS HAVE COME ON HERE, AND I'M SURE
PEOPLE HAVE SAID TO YOU OVER THE YEARS, THE ONE THING THAT THEY
KNOW THE BOTH OF US DID TOGETHER WAS WAITERS WHO WERE NAUSEATED
BY FOOD.
>> MM-HMM.
>> Stephen: WHICH WAS THE -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I DON'T KNOW IF THEY ACTUALLY SAW IT OR THEY JUST LOVED THE
IDEA.
>> WELL, ANYTIME YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT AND HAVE A
LITTLE PAUSE, PEOPLE ARE GOING TO APPLAUD.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW WHAT
THAT IS BUT DO GO ON?
WE BOTH HAD SCENE IDEAS FOR THE DANA CARVEY SHOW.
I HAD ONE CALLED WAITERS ARE NAUSEATED BY FOOD AND YOU HAD
ONE -- >> I AUDITIONED A PIECE A
PODIATRIST NAUSEATED BY FEET.
>> Stephen: WITH NO KNOWLEDGE THE OTHER PERSON HAD THE BIT
THEY KIDS.
>> MM-HMM.
>> Stephen: I WAS A WAITER AND USED TO READ THE SPECIALS LIST
WHEN I WAS HUNG OVER THE NIGHT BEFORE AND PRETEND TO BE
NAUSEATED FOR MY OTHER WAITERS.
WE DID THIS ON AIR AND GOT BOTH OF US HIRED AT "THE DAILY SHOW."
>> THAT WAS THE THING THEY LOVED.
>> Stephen: WHEN THEY FOUND OUT I WAS IN WAITERS NAUSEATED
BY FOOD THEY HIRED ME ON THE SPOT AND SAID WE'VE GOT TO GET
SOMEBODY ELSE SIX MONTHS LATER.
>> I TOLD THEM THEY SHOULD HIRE YOU ON THE TAIL "LATE SHOW."
>> Step."
I OWE MY CAREER TO YOU BECAUSE YOU WERE INSTRUMENTAL IN GET MEG
THE JOB.
>> Stephen: WHEN DOES DADDY GET HIS BEAK WET?
DON'T MAKE ME PUT MY RINGS ON.
DO YOU ENJOY THE FAKE VOMIT.
>> OH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
FOR SURE.
( GAGGING ) ( LAUGHTER )
I'M JUST GOING TO WATCH YOU A LITTLE BIT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YOU'RE THE GUEST.
I WAS JUST STARTING TO TASTE IT A LITTLE BIT.
IF YOU CAN TASTE IT A LITTLE, YOUR EYES CAN WATER A LITTLE
BIT.
OH, I NEVER TOLD YOU THIS STORY.
I HAD A FRIEND NAMED BREWSTER.
WHEN WE WERE KIDS, WE WERE PLAYING BASKETBALL.
IT WAS THE TIPOFF AND HE WAS GOING TO THROW THE BALL UP AND
SOMEBODY SAID, THROW THE BALL UP!
THROW IT UP!
AND BREWSTER JUST WENT BLAAAAH INTO HIS HANDS!
IT WAS THE EQUIVALENT OF A MIC DROP.
OH, NO, DRY HEAVE?
THIS GUY JUST WENT BLAAAAH!
>> Stephen: HOW OLD?
ABOUT TEN YEARS OLD.
I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE WHO COULD VOMIT ON CUE.
FANTASTIC.
>> Stephen: WHAT BECAME OF THIS GENTLEMAN.
>> A HYDROGEOLOGIST.
>> Stephen: GOOD FOR YOU, BREWSTER.
KIDS, THAT'S A MESSAGE OF HOPE RIGHT NOW.
>> FANTASTIC.
>> Stephen: SPEAKING OF NOT BEING ABLE TO KEEP YOUR LUNCH
DOWN, DO YOU REMEMBER -- BECAUSE WE HAVE A CLIP HERE.
>> I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO BRING UP A MOVIE THAT I DID OR
SOMETHING.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: SPEAKING OF NOT
BEING ABLE TO KEEP YOUR LUNCH DOWN -- I JUST PICKED THAT.
>> I TEED IT UP FOR YOU, YOU HAD TO.
>> Stephen: DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE AT "THE DAILY SHOW"
AND WE DID EVEN STEPHEN STUFF, YOU CAME UP WITH THE IDEA OF
SPRING BREAK AND BINGE DRINKING.
>> I WOULD BE THE GUINEA PIG.
>> Stephen: NO, ORIGINALLY YOU SAID WHAT IF THE BOTH OF US WENT
OUT AND GOT SO DRUNK, AND THEN WE DID THE WHOLE FIELD PIECE
ABOUT WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO BE BLIND DRUNK.
>> YEAH, IT WAS A FIELD PIECE.
THE IDEA OF IT WAS TO SHOW THE EFFECTS OF ALCOHOL ON THE HUMAN
SYSTEM, A LOT OF LOCAL PEOPLE DO IT AROUND THE HOLIDAYS, AND AS,
YOU KNOW, CAUTIONARY TALE, THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME SO YOU
SHOULD NOT DO THIS.
>> Stephen: DOING SHOTS AND STUFF LIKE THAT.
>> RIGHT, SO WE WENT TO A CONTROLLED EXPERIMENT.
>> Stephen: AND I SAID, I THINK THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
WHAT IF, THOUGH, ONLY YOU GET BLIND DRUNK AND I JUST WATCH YOU
DO IT.
>> YOU JUST ADMINISTER -- >> Stephen: I ADMINISTER THE
ALCOHOL, TAKE THE NOTES AND I BASICALLY QUESTION YOU.
I'M THE CONTROL, OKAY.
>> RIGHT SO I STARTED WITH, I THINK, A GLASS OF ROSEÉ, AND I
MOVED TO A SHOT OF JAGERMEISTER, LONG ISLAND ICED TEA, AND THIS
WAS ALL ON CAMERA.
>> Stephen: WITH TIME LAPSE.
WITH A TIME LAPSE.
AND YOU WERE TAKING NOTES.
>> Stephen: AND YOU WERE INSISTING -- AT A CERTAIN POINT,
YOU INSISTED THAT I PUNCH YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) >> YES.
I TOOK OFF MY SHIRT AND I SAID PUNCH ME AS HARD AS YOU CAN IN
THE CHEST.
>> Stephen: YOU EVENTUALLY TOOK OFF YOUR SHIRT.
WE HAVE A CLIP OF YOU SAYING PUNCH ME.
KNOWING THE SHIRT COMES OFF EVENTUALLY BUT THIS IS NOT THE
MOMENT.
>> DID I OPEN THE SHIRT?
>> Stephen: YOU DIDN'T OPEN THE SHIRT FOR THIS PART.
THIS IS ALL REAL.
STEVE IS COMMITTED AND YOU WERE AS HAMMERED AS I'VE EVER SEEN
ANYONE.
>> THE DRUNKEST I'VE EVER BEEN IN MY LIFE.
>> STEVE, OKAY!
GIVE ME THE TEST, PUNCH ME!
>> Stephen: I DON'T WANT TO.
PUNCH ME IN THE CHEST.
OH!
OH, JEEZ!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> THE NEXT DAY I WOKE UP AND I
THOUGHT, WHAT HAPPENED TO MY -- DID I FALL DOWN A FLIGHT OF
STEPS OR SOMETHING?
AND MY WIFE WAS SO MAD AT YOU.
>> Stephen: SHE WAS MAD AT ME.
FIRST OF ALL, I TOOK YOU HOME.
AND SHE KNEW THIS WAS YOUR PITCH.
I TOOK YOU HOME AND YOU WERE LIKE A DRUNKEN SAILOR OVER MY
SHOULDERS TRYING TO GET YOU TO THE FRONT OF YOUR HOUSE.
SHE'S, LIKE, WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?
I SAID I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
I AGREED AND THIS WAS HIS IDEA.
>> SHE THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO STOP MY HEART WITH THE PUNCH TO
MY CHEST.
>> Stephen: I SAID, HAVE YOU SEEN MY ARMS?
HE COULD HAVE SHATTERED MY WRIST.
>> THE OTHER ELEMENT WAS THE RIDE HOME.
IT WAS EVIE'S CAR.
>> Stephen: IT WAS MY WIFE'S STATION WAGON.
SHE SAID, FINE, JUST DON'T THROW UP IN THE CAR.
>> AND I REMEMBER YOU SAYING, THERE'S A BAG IN THE FRONT SEAT.
YOU WERE SO KIND TO DRIVE ME HOME.
IT WAS ALL PLANNED AHEAD.
YOU SAID, WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T TRY TO VOMIT OUT THE WINDOW, AND
I MIDDLE EAST TRIED TO VOMIT OUT THE WINDOW.
>> Stephen: AND IT JUST WENT IN THE DOOR.
>> THE WINDOW WAS UP, IT WASN'T DOWN.
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH!
>> Stephen: THAT'S WHY I SAID DON'T TRY TO VOMIT OUT THE
WINDOW, BECAUSE IT WAS WINTER.
( LAUGHTER ) >> AND YOU TRIED TO GET THAT OUT
OF THE MECHANISM IN THE DOOR FOR --
>> Stephen: BEFORE EVIE COULD FIND OUT.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: I DID NOT SUCCEED.
NO.
SO WE HAD TWO VERY DISAPPOINTED SPOUSES.
>> Stephen: YES.
LUCKILY, YOUR WIFE HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR EVENTUALLY ABOUT THIS.
SHE'S ACTUALLY MAYBE FUNNIER THAN YOU.
>> FOR SURE.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
DO YOU GUYS LAUGH A LOT?
>> HM-UM.
>> Stephen: NO. JUST STARE SILENTLY.
>> THE SECRET TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE IS STAYING IN SEPARATE
ROOMSO MOST OF THE TIME.
( LAUGHTER ) NO, WE DO THIS ONE THING TO BE
SOMEBODY ASKED ME, DOES YOUR WIFE MAKE YOU LAUGH?
THIS IS A LITTLE HARD TO EXPLAIN, BUT I WILL SAY HER
NAME, AND SHE WILL SHOOT ME A LOOK BUT NEVER MAKE EYE CONTACT
WITH ME, SO, SAY STEVE.
>> Stephen: STEVE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> NOW I'LL DO IT TO YOU.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
READY?
>> Stephen: OKAY.
TEPHEN!
( LAUGHTER ) AND, SO, WE CAN SIT FOR HALF AN
HOUR, HONEY!
AND SOMETIMES THERE'S, LIKE, ONE OR TWO DIFFERENT POINTS BEFORE
YOU SETTLE ON THAT.
>> Stephen: SURE.
PLEASE DON'T GO ANY.
>> WHERE WE HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK.
BACK WITH MORE MR. STEVE CARELL RIGHT THERE.