Spain 1492 How many more times must I tell you , I'm
not a bloody heretic, now will you please stop dislocating my shoulders.
Like I said, I was visiting my cousin when the inquisition arrived in town so I missed
the 30 days of grace. I know that if I'd come forward and confessed during that time I would
just have had to undergo a penance - but I've got nothing to admit to.
Who told you I used to be Jewish? Or did they say I converted from Islam? was it Mr Alverez?
He's never liked me. People can say anything to the Inquisition
just to settle old scores or get back at someone they're jealous of.Mr Alverez always envied
my fine head of hair I bet it was him.bastard. Honestly, I'm not a conversos, my family never
converted to Catholicism from another faith. Queen Isabella and King Ferdinand might think
that anyone who is not from a long established Catholic line is diluting Spain's religious
and economic purity, but it's really got nothing to with me.
To be honest, I'm not very religious, I think it's all a load of bollocks..OW.
I wasn't expecting that
Your Grand Inquisitor Thomas de Torquemada's a bit keen, isn't he?
He was in here earlier on, in a right old temper. Ranting about how he was the "Hammer
of Heritics" and "The Light of Spain" He reckons that thanks to him about 200,000
Jews will be expelled from Spain and another 50,000 will get themselves baptised in order
to stay- whether they want to or not. He's one of your proper itchy cassock and
no wanking types isn't he, no wonder he's miserable.
28 articles he said he introduced in order to root out heretics 28 things for which they
can haul you in here and prod you about like a rag doll.
Do you know they tie chords around your extremities in here so the blood gets cut off and it don't
half hurt. "Why are you doing that," I asked the bloke and he just shrugged, said he wasn't
sure. He had to check the rules
Apparently, if you see someone wearing fancy clothes on a Saturday, you should tell the
Inquisition Or If they clean their houses on Fridays and
light candles before it gets dark Or If they eat celery and lettuce during Holy
Week. And certainly, If they're saying prayers facing
a wall while bowing back and forth. Is it me or is that just stupid?
You're going to pour water into my mouth until I choke now aren't you?.bloody marvellous.
I don't know why you call that "A Water Cure" I certainly don't feel very invigorated.
Did you have to pull the water soaked cloth out of my oesophagus quite so hard?
Still, it's nice of Torquemada to insist that no more than 8 litres of water be used, no
blood should be spilt during torture and it should never result in death - makes a change
from the old days. When the Cathars were around it was brutalise
and burn first, ask questions later. At least these days it's all done properly,
with rules to follow and a surgeon in attendance."How are you feeling Senor? Shall we carry on racking
you or would you like a rest?" And everything is written down so there can
be no confusion later on. All the same, hardly anyone ever gets acquitted - .funny that.
The trouble is I'm a repeat offender you see, a "relapsos" I got a visit from some government
officials when I was a young man, years ago and they asked me if I'd ever engaged in sodomy.
"Well" I told em, "of course, I bloody have" me and the wife would have been knee deep
in brats if we didn't enjoy that particular avenue.
I should have kept me mouth though shut cos they hauled me off to prison and the wife
had to go into hiding up in the mountains. The Spanish authorities aren't big on sodomy.
Do you know husbands and wives are treated as guilty as each other for indulging and
if you are a man who prefers the embrace of another man, you are both burnt at the stake
- no argument. A woman, however, can do whatever she likes
with another woman unless she uses some device to penetrate her lover - an expertly carved
piece of ivory perhaps - then its "fetch the kindling"
If you are part of the clergy they told me you get treated more leniently - which made
me laugh cos they spend more time doing it than we do.
To be honest I don't see the problem with getting your jollies however you want providing
you're not hurting anyone. I remember saying as much when they hung me upside down from
the ceiling with my prick tied to my neck. I was lucky though because I was under twenty-five
the last time we ...well you know, so I only got whipped followed by ten years at the oar
of a slave galley. Could have been worse, I didn't see anything but I got to smell lots
of interesting places. Torquemada is really strict with "relapsos"
but I'll give him his due he's given me every chance to confess.
I mean I've been denounced by a "Person of Good Character" .bloody Alverez, so it's all
legal. I've been strangled, half drowned, stretched
on a rack and suspended from the ceiling till my joints exploded.
And I still never said anything What makes me laugh is that while Torquemada
seems to have a bee in his cowl about sodomites, heretics, blasphemers and witches he has a
real problem with secret Jews. He confiscates all their money and land if
they are so much as accused..the church is making a fortune.
AND HIS GRANDMOTHER WAS JEWISH !! I called him a hypocritical maniac who needs
to live and let live and get himself a whore. You should have seen his face.
They put hot irons to me, the first time since 1256 they said but I don't believe them. Anyway,
I thought "Sod It"I'll say whatever you want" I wish I hadn't now.
An "Auto de fe" or "Act of Faith" is like a horse fair, loads of people in the town
square, a real family atmosphere. And it goes on all day. You've got the prayers,
then the procession of the penitents and the condemned wearing their brightly coloured
"sanbenito". These are made from yellow sackcloth and usually,
have images of the person's crime or their punishment sewn onto them.
Mine has the flames of hell all over it - which is bloody typical.
Then it's off to a special place outside of town where the stakes are ready to be lit
for the big finale. If you recant your sins at the last minute
- which I must admit I'm tempted to do - they might be lenient and gently throttle you before
putting you to the torch. Or - and this depends upon how kindly they
are feeling - you may be stood on a bonfire made of fresh, slower burning wood so you
choke to death on the smoke before the flames get anywhere close.
There are 32 of us standing here, and the crowd look like they having a lovely time.
There are certainly a lot of people repenting in the audience.
You know what makes me laugh though? They call this "Relaxing" I've never felt less
relaxed in my life. Can you smell burning?