Are you tired of amusement parks
with hidden liberal agendas?
Are you sick of woke progressives
ruining your family's vacation?
Are you white?
Well, come on down to Republican
Disney. You don't have to be white.
That's just a, that was a
demographic survey question for
marketing purposes.
I don't see color.
Are you tired of amusement parks
full of bigotry?
Are you sick of uneducated rubes
ruining your families vacation?
Do you crave fun and
guilt? Well, come on down
to Democratic Disney.
We're the only amusement park in
America exclusively dedicated to
diversity, equity, inclusion, real
science, true history, and other
morally unambiguous things that we
can't debate anymore because of
Nazis.
Republican Disney has all the
wholesome family fun you could want
without any of the dangerous
propaganda the radical left uses to
indoctrinate children.
No CRT, no grooming, no
drugs or sex or math.
Just a place where you can be proud
of who you are and where you come
from. But by which I mean America.
I don't. I do not mean that in a
racial way.
Here at Democratic Disney, we
believe in fighting the man on
behalf of the little guy.
So join the resistance and team
up with the White House, the Senate,
the House of Representatives, and
all of Hollywood and academia to say
we're the little guy fighting the
system.
You can meet your favorite
Republican Disney princesses like
Cinderella.
A classic American success
story who worked hard, didn't
complain, and after she met her
husband, stopped wearing shoes or
Ariel from The Little Mermaid.
A real nice looking young lady who
doesn't talk. Or maybe even Snow
White. Who?
Damn it! No.
Okay, stop.
No, I know what you're going to say.
It's not about that.
Princesses are an outdated vestige
of the patriarchy.
Our equitable and gender inclusive
Disney peoplex hold no land
or titles and come in all shapes,
colors and healthy sizes.
Visit the Hall of Good American
Presidents like Trump, Reagan,
Second Reagan before you raise
taxes. Second, Reagan Junior.
And the one and only Abraham
Lincoln who freed the slaves
and was a Republican.
Yeah, yeah.
Think about that.
He's on our team.
Splash Mountain is now Brokeback
Mountain. The Enchanted Tiki Room
is now the culturally sensitive
Pacific Islanders, Desi and
other people slash 1619
Project and Main Street USA is
now Main Street Copenhagen.
Because while I love America, I sure
don't like it.
We took on a ton of new debt when we
removed Disney's self-governing
status, but we got a lot of cash
when we let coal companies strip
mines. Big Thunder Mountain.
Yes, ticket prices have increased
this year. That's because
of...Russia.
Take a ride on the fiscal
responsibility coaster which
skyrockets into the air and plunges
into the ground depending on which
party is in power.
Get ready for a fright at the
Haunted Mansion.
It's a regular mansion, but it's
scary because billionaires are an
abomination.
And Republican Disney, you don't
have to worry about some transgender
using the wrong restroom.
We have guys in goofy outfits, check
everybody's genitals before and
after they leave a restroom or
elevator.
Visit Yesterday Land where you can
unearth decade old tweets from
Disney characters change the meaning
of the word they used.
Then execute them outside in an
alley.
Visit Yesterday Land, in the fifties
when things were perfect.
Or check out.
Tomorrowland it's debt
finances the entire park.
The Hall of US Supreme Court
justices is closed due to leaks, but
come back next year because we're
planning a massive expansion.
No snowflakes on these frozen rides
and kids love the Tea Party teacups.
Don' t worry, we check everybody's
genitals before amd after.
You want to explore the universe.
Well shame on you.
You should visit Don't Go to Space
Mountain where you can yell at
animatronic entrepreneur for trying
to build a spaceship with his own
money, employing thousands of
people. They should be fixing world
hunger. Space is for taxpayer
money.
The Old West Shootout is no longer
confined to a single stage.
In fact, all visitors are required
to show proof of citizenship and
open carry throughout the park.
Nothing smaller than a nine
millimeter people, no exceptions.
Masks are mandatory, vaccinations
are required, and ticket prices are
tiered to reflect your personal
privilege. Every admission includes
a three hour diversity training and
struggle session so that you can
better understand your inherent
privilege and latent racism.
Also, these sessions are
self-directed because it's not our
job to educate you.
You have to do the work.
Feeling hungry, get a taste of food
and culture from all over the world
with cuisine from America, England,
Germany, maybe
France.
And that'll do it.
The whole world.
You'll have a blast in little San
Francisco.
Can you avoid stepping in poop?
Can you get a building reason?
No you cannot
Visit little Iraq and be greeted as
liberators. Can you find the WMDs?
Doesn't matter.
Fireworks!
Do you like fireworks?
Well, every evening, ANTIFA lights
fire to our security gaurds.
Take a stroll.
Through our historic military
industrial complex.
Smugglers run where you sneak
bad books past Republicans.
Smugglers run or you sneak menthol
cigarets pass Democrats.
Smuggler's Run where you sneak
pregnant women across state lines.
Smugglers run where you hunt
pregnant women crossing state lines.
We've replaced all of the offensive
robots and Pirates of the Caribbean
with new robots built by forced
Uyghur labor in China.
Our dark unmonitored Tunnel
of Love is extremely
popular with firebrand conservative
politicians like...too
popular.
Or sex positive resort bang
wherever you want.
Very European.
Every day at noon, the park grinds
to a halt thanks to the trucker
convoy parade.
Every day at noon, we have a protest
rally where liberal arts majors
dress up like ninjas and brake s***.
We had a protest once.
What we do not talk about it.
Several times each day we forcibly
relocate people waiting in line to
other lines they hadn't planned on.
It takes longer and you don't wind
up where you want it, but
equity.
Several times a day we will inspect
your genitals. Any woman found to be
pregnant is not allowed on any ride.
If you are pregnant, you should not
go on this ride unless you
want to go on this ride.
It's a small world, after all.
Which is why we need tariffs or
free trade. It's.
Which is it now? What's today?
It's a small world, after all.
So let's divided equally by force
if necessary.
Democratic Disney.
The best dreams happen when your
woke.
Republican Disney the happiest
race on Earth.
Place! Dammit! Place!,
God dammit, I keep doing that.