- You know when you first move in somewhere
that's new to you, you want to make a few changes,
don't you?
So it feels a bit more like yours.
One of the things I really wanted,
like my parents are both disabled,
they're both getting on a bit in age,
and I thought it's something that be really good
for when they come to stay would be a grab rail
in the shower.
I won't really notice it when I'm in the shower,
but when they come to stay,
that would be very useful for them.
So I got a grab rail fitted in the shower.
And like a month later I had a friend round visiting
and I was showing round the house, you know,
biscuit room, other biscuit room.
(audience laughs)
Careful you don't trip up on all the knickers and bread.
(audience laughs)
We got to the bathroom and I said,
"Oo look, I've had a grab rail fitted in the shower."
And she went like this, "Oo, saucy!"
(audience laughs)
I said, "I don't know what you're talking about,
but I'm trying to keep pensioners upright."
(audience laughs)
And I told me dad 'cause I thought he'd find it funny
and he went, "Nah, nah, for that sort of business
you need two of them."
(audience laughs)
(audience claps)
- Ah.
Ah.
Another thing I really fancied,
I really fancied a little stool in the bathroom.
That sounds really bad, that sounds bad.
Doesn't it sound bad? (audience laughs)
Like a table, I suppose.
One of me luxuries is I like having a cup of tea
when I'm in the bath and I thought,
wouldn't it be great to have a special place
to put me cup of tea?
And maybe I could also put a book or a magazine on it
to read in the bath, how nice would that be?
And then depending on where I position the table
or the stool, I could maybe reach the book or magazine
from the toilet.
Now, not everybody will admit to this,
but I will raise my hand and say that I like
to read on the toilet.
Give us cheer any men who like to read on the toilet.
(men cheer)
Any women?
(women cheer)
See, interesting.
'Cause one of my friends said to me,
"You don't tell people you do that, do you?"
I said, "Yeah."
She said, "I don't think you should."
I said, "Why not?"
She said, "I don't know.
I just don't think it's very ladylike."
I said, "Have you seen who you're talking to?"
(audience laughs)
I said, "And anyway, I'm not sure what you mean
'cause as far as I'm aware,
there's nothing ladylike about doing a shit."
(audience laughs)
Picture the scene.
I'm sitting down, my legs are apart.
My elbows are resting on me knees.
I might be sweating.
(audience laughs)
If it's a hard one, I could have taken me top off.
(audience laughs)
But to make up for all of that, I do it exactly the same,
but to make it ladylike I do it all in a fucking bonnet.
(audience laughs)
Those two words aren't together often enough are they?
Fucking bonnet.
You're never gonna get that in a "Pride and Prejudice"
are you?
"Why, Mr. Darcy.
What do you think of me fucking bonnet?"
(audience laughs)
Second thing I decided to do,
I decided to get a pet.
I've always grown up with pets
and in my teens and in my twenties
and then there's something about the lifestyle
of being a comedian that means you're on the road a lot.
It's not really conducive to having animals at home.
And then I thought, you know, I've done this eight years.
Maybe it's time that lifestyle worked around me
for a change.
So I really wanted a cat.
So I got a cat two years ago.
I got another cat last year.
My fella seems to think I just wanted two cats.
He doesn't realise it's now an annual event.
(audience laughs)
The second cat we got is a rescue cat.
She was just left outside of the vets in a box overnight,
just left.
And she's lovely, she's very affectionate.
Whenever my fellow picks her up,
she starts purring straight away
and he looks her right in the face and he goes,
"Who would abandon you?
Who would abandon you?"
(audience laughs)
I said, "Stop saying that to her."
It's like somebody saying to me,
"Who would divorce you?"
(audience laughs)
Someone fucking did.
Hello, I'm Sarah Millican
and thanks very much for watching my videos.
I'm going on tour with a brand new show
called "Bobby Dazzler."
For all the information about where I'm going and when
go to sarahmillican.co.uk.
Thanks.