(upbeat music)
- [Announcer] And from the Skinny Shop
Detroit Michigan, Lightning!
(upbeat music)
- Al right partner, take this scumbag downtown
before the Mexicans find him and blow his ass away.
- I'm gonna keep you alive chico, comprende?
(laughing lightly)
(soft upbeat music)
- No!
(soft dramatic eighties electronic music)
(explosions exploding)
No!
(rooster cawing)
(soft ominous music)
Is that a bird?
- Hey, do you know what happened?
- No.
(guns firing aggressively)
Oh!
Oh I get it, when I say no, stuff blows up.
(explosions exploding)
Cool.
- [Announcer] Live from the Nestle Arena,
welcome to the finals of 1987 Jazz Fit championships!
Representing the Body Shops
from Hollywood California,
Flash!
(upbeat eighties electronic dance music)
And from the Skinny Shop Detroit Michigan, Lightning!
(upbeat eighties electronic dance music)
(ominous muffled whirring)
(upbeat eighties electronic dance music)
(ominous muffled whirring)
(upbeat eighties electronic dance music)
(ominous muffled whirring)
(upbeat eighties electronic dance music)
(ominous muffled whirring)
(upbeat eighties electronic dance music)
- You son of a bitch!
You're the one who did it!
You crazy (indistinct)!
You gonna kill my family?
(groaning lightly)
(indistinct)
Kill you!
(upbeat eighties electronic music)
- Nobody likes you, you girl!
- Well you're a different color than me and that's bad!
- Oh yeah?
Well you dress like a- - Now hold on a second!
- [Together] Whoa, Mr. T!
- Never make fun of a way a man dresses.
The way a man dresses is his business!
Remember that, whether it's overalls,
chains or fella earrings, how ever they dress
is not to be joked about!
I pity the fool that judges another man's clothing!
- I'm sorry I judged your clothing.
- It's okay.
(upbeat music)
- Hey Scout, there's a man over there
who said he'll give us candy if we get in his van.
- Ah I don't know if that's a good idea Timmy.
- (sighing softly) What are you afraid of?
Is it because you have a stupid name like Scout?
- Hey!
- [Together] Whoa, Mr. T again!
- Never make fun of a person's name!
Your mama gave you that name!
Or you made it up for business purposes!
Either way, it's personal!
I pity the fool that makes fun of another man's name!
Mr. T's a cool name!
It's a cool name Mr. T!
(upbeat music)
- Hey Scout, wanna do some drugs?
- Aren't drugs bad?
- I don't know.
If you're afraid of drugs, we could drink
a bunch of alcohol.
- Yum, that sounds good.
- Well guess what?
Your hair is stupid!
- Never make fun of another person's hair!
- [Together] Hey Mr. T!
- A person's hair is the artwork
that they present to the heavens!
It's just like I've been sayin'.
(upbeat music)
♪ Hair ♪
♪ It is isn't fair ♪
♪ Beware ♪
♪ People care about their hair ♪
♪ H is for the home where I lay my head ♪
♪ And I cry about your mean jokes in my bed ♪
♪ A is for anxiety that fools provoke ♪
♪ When they're lookin' at my hair and they makin' jokes ♪
♪ I is for I don't like the way I feel ♪
♪ When you're jokin' that my haircut does not appeal ♪
♪ R is for the real mean jokes ya make ♪
♪ And the hurtful little pot shots that you take ♪
And for your information, it's not even a haircut!
It's a rare form of male pattern baldness!
You fools!
Ah!
(sobbing softly)
For real!
(soft upbeat music)
(soft whirring)
(eagle screeching in distance)
(soft ominous music)
(bones cracking lightly)
(soft dramatic music)
(lasers beaming)
- [Dispatcher] All units, status check.
- The front of house is clear.
Did you hear that?
Must have been nothing.
(soft dramatic music)
(bones snapping aggressively)
- The back patio is clear.
(bones snapping aggressively)
(groaning lightly)
(soft ominous music)
(bones snapping aggressively)
(soft ominous music)
- Nice.
(water splashing softly)
(soft ominous music)
- Now it's my turn to play.
(soft ominous music)
(fingers snapping lightly)
(gun cocking lightly)
(screaming softly)
(soft dramatic music)
(gasping lightly)
(groaning lightly)
(bones snapping aggressively)
(soft dramatic music)
(sighing lightly)
(chuckling softly)
- Carol.
(gun cocking lightly)
- (gasping lightly) Teag!
- I thought I killed you the first time Mr. Teag.
I promise, I will not make the same mistake twice.
(groaning lightly)
You are a good cop Mr. Teag but a lousy fighter.
(groaning violently)
(groaning lightly)
- No!
Teag!
(groaning lightly)
- Oh snap, Mr. Teag.
(bones snapping aggressively)
- Snap indeed.
(soft sensual music)
(sighing softly)
- Teag!
You just saved my life.
- No Carol, you saved mine.
(sensual music)
(bones snapping aggressively)
Oh (beep)!
Oh (beep).
(bones snapping aggressively)
Let's just.
(bones snapping aggressively)
(soft ominous music)
- Who you gonna call?
(laughing lightly) Hi!
I'm Ray Parker Jr, writer and performer
of the academy award nominated hit single Ghost Busters!
From the major motion picture, Ghost busters!
But that's just one song.
I've written so many other major motion picture
theme songs and submitted them throughout the years.
Now they're available and together for one
specially priced compilation!
Songs like.
♪ You tried to play the game but it's drivin' you insane ♪
♪ Jumanji, danger in the jungle ♪
♪ Jumanji, there's a lion in my house ♪
♪ Come on Mr. Computer, throw me a bone ♪
♪ I said lawnmower man ♪
♪ Get up off of my lawn ♪
♪ When Armageddon is near, you better get outta here ♪
♪ Look like a deep impact ♪
♪ I ain't afraid to (indistinct) ♪
♪ Watch out behind you, they're tryin' to find you ♪
♪ Pelican brief ♪
♪ It's gettin' legal y'all ♪
There songs have only been heard by the highest level
of industry decision makers.
But now you can feel like a Hollywood executive
in your own home.
♪ I see your face off ♪
♪ Bad guy walkin' around ♪
♪ It's a face off ♪
♪ That ain't even your face ♪
♪ Passion of the Christ ♪
♪ Givin' it (indistinct) for this cross ♪
♪ Passion of the Christ ♪
♪ You know my daddy is the boss ♪
♪ Disturbia, that's not even a word ♪
♪ Gonna enervia ♪
♪ Now there's a whole lot of kinky ♪
♪ Bet that room is stinky ♪
♪ Fifty shades of Grey ♪
♪ All right white people ♪
♪ Who's a slave, I'm not a slave ♪
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ Twelve years a slave ♪
♪ Woops ♪
There's one thing I know,
is that persistence makes perfection.
(chuckling lightly) Sure, Hollywood missed out
but that doesn't mean you have to.
♪ Down in the basement, what's goin' on ♪
♪ It's a apt pupil, there's a kid and a Nazi down there ♪
(upbeat music)
- [Announcer] Order now to receive your free copy
of Bobby Sings the Two's, theme songs to sequels
that were never made.
- Okay guys, Gremlins Two.
I'm tellin' ya this movie, should write itself.
The first one was a classic,
this should be pretty straight forward.
Basically, all we're doing is maintaining
the integrity of the original picture.
We wanna do all the stuff with the water and the-
What?
Can we help you?
- I'm sorry, let me introduce myself.
Hi y'all!
My name is Star Magic Jackson Junior,
I'm the Hollywood sequel doctor.
The studio just brings me in to oversee
things when they 'bout to drop a deuce.
So that's why I'm here but don't mind me.
I'm just gonna be over here, y'all do your thing.
It's your movie.
- Okay.
Let's brainstorm.
Adam.
- If it's gonna take place in an office building,
I was thinking what if Gizmo gets wet
water from a water cooler this time?
- Okay hold on a second!
I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to step in here.
Just one second sweetheart.
So what's wrong with y'all?
Y'all lookin' like a bunch of sad sacks.
This is G2 people!
We writin' Gremlins Two, it should be a party!
With pizza and anchovies, pineapple.
Just come on, lift up the spirits.
Okay, I'm gonna put a little bit of spice
into the mixture here.
What if we did this, everybody here gets to
design they own gremlin?
- I don't see that the gremlin design is broken.
- It's called brainstormin' not brain drizzlin' sweet pea.
Okay shut your mouth for a second.
Look, here's the thing, none of this is final.
- So you mean like what if there's a brainy gremlin?
(laughing lightly)
- A brainy gremlin?
- You talkin' about a gremlin with glasses
who could sing New York, New York?
That's brilliant!
It's in the movie, done.
- Whoa, whoa, you said that nothing was final.
- That was before I hear the words brainy and gremlin
in the same sentence together!
It's done, I love it, it's in the movie, next!
- What about a spider gremlin?
- You mean a gremlin with eight legs
and a thorax just catchin' pretty ladies
in a web in an office building?
Oh my God, it's in the movie, I love it!
Next!
- What about a bat gremlin?
(gasping lightly)
- You mean a gremlin with leathery wings
just flyin' around flip floppin'
bust through a wall, make a perfect bat symbol
in the wall, get outside, get in some wet concrete
jump up on a building and just dry
in place like a gargoyle gremlin?
We are cooking with gas now!
I love it, it's in the movie, next!
- Could there be a female gremlin?
- Lipstick, boobies bitch, you have me
a little gremlin vajayay!
I love it so much that it's not only in the movie
but it's definitely in the movie,
there's no backsies on that one.
No penny taxing!
Yes, yes, yes!
In the movie, done!
That's why we need a woman the writer's room.
Next!
- I don't know.
A googly-eyed gremlin?
- But you do know because you talkin' about
a gremlin whose sole purpose in this film
is just that he looks stupid as (beep).
Yes, it can be in the movie and it is in the movie!
Done, next!
What about you silver fox?
- Electricity gremlin?
- You just said a noun and gremlin,
you playin' Mad Libs, you just like a child.
You have a brain of a child.
You do not have a high IQ but you haphazardly
came up with a gremlin that's just made out of bolts
that is zigzagin' all over the room
and is done completely in animation.
You a crazy person and your idea's in the movie!
Done!
Next!
- Can we put the hulkster in it?
- What!
You talkin' about puttin' Hulk Hogan?
Professional wrestler turned actor,
turned cultural icon in the movie
where he break the fourth wall of the movie he's in
by talking to the audience!
You sir!
Are a raging psychopath.
Don't let this town take that away from you.
(upbeat music)
That's it, I don't even care anymore.
We got the hulkster in this bitch so it's done!
I don't have anymore time so, let me just recap right now.
It's brainy gremlin, spider gremlin, bat gremlin,
lady gremlin, googly-eyed gremlin, electricy gremlin.
Hulk Hogan's gonna be in the picture.
I'ma throw in a gremlin myself!
Vegetable gremlin!
Just write it up, I'm havin' so much fun.
- Why not. - Thank you!
This all gonna be in the actual film.
Now I gotta go put some cowboys
in Back to the Future Three.
Sayonara y'all!
Oops!
(upbeat music)
(applauding softly)
- Now okay, you guys know
that none of that is gonna be in the actual movie.
(soft upbeat music)