Why does your husband shut down when the conversation becomes emotional?
Today we're going to talk about flooding!
There's this excellent researcher out there named John Gottman
And he's done some of the leading research on
relationships, marriage and divorce.
And you should really check him out, he's got some great stuff.
One of the really interesting studies that he did, he took a bunch of couples and put them in these little apartments,
Where they knew they were being observed
And he hooked them up to monitors
that measured their physiological response.
He then asked the couples to sit down and talk about a situation or
a topic that was difficult for them
Now predictably as they began to talk about these difficult topics
Their bodily reaction started to go up, so their heart rate started to go up
Their hands got more sweaty
Their breathing became short and shallow,
Now John Gottman and his group have named this response "Flooding"
And he found out that
flooding is one of the indicators of divorce
When their heart rates were above 90 beats per minute
The conversation began to devolve into defensiveness,
and arguing, criticism
and perhaps even some stonewalling-where people would shut down.
Now this is a normal response, but
he was wondering what was going on.
He found that when the conversation became too heated
And the body's physiological response became elevated,
That the brain became unable to process information or even absorb what the other person was saying.
The upper part of our brain, the pre-frontal cortex, that is needed for
complex problem solving completely shuts off
when the lower part of the brain is perceiving a threat
The person then began to revert to instinctual
and reactive responses like criticism or defensiveness
They also found that in emotional situations, 80% of the time
Men got flooded more quickly than women.
Take a minute to write about 1-2 experiences where you felt flooded.
What were your reactions?
What did other people notice about you?
And how can you notice this response sooner?
And now we're going to talk about the antidote to flooding:
So as part of his research, Gottman took these couples
And when he noticed on the monitors
that their heart rate was getting really elevated, he would ask them to take a little break.
But he didn't say it that way, he'd say "Ok guys, we're having a technical problem
and we need you to stop talking because our cameras aren't working" or something like that.
So stop talking and we'll let you know when it's working again.
So he'd have couples do something completely different from the argument.
they weren't supposed to talk about the topic anymore.
He'd have them sit in the lobby and read some magazines.
He'd watch that heart rate and blood pressure decrease and
30 minutes later he'd bring that couple back together
And then say "Ok guys, go ahead and talk about that difficult topic again."
They found that these couples were able to come back to that situation
and discuss the situation quite a bit more calmly.
And that they would be more likely to solve it.
So taking breaks can be really helpful in solving complex and emotional problems.
There's this old saying "Do't go to bed angry"
And a lot of couple used to take this advice and think
"Well if we have a problem we need to talk and talk and talk about it and hash it out until we've solved it."
What the research from the Gottman institute found
is that when we're able to calm ourselves down and resolve this flooding reaction
that people are going to be much better at solving problems after that.
and be less likely to inflict harm on the relationship when they are being reactive.
So here are some basic steps to manage flooding:
The first one: Notice when you are flooding.
Pay attention to what's happening inside of yourself.
Notice the physiological symptoms and the behaviors that you start to engage in when you're stressed out and flooded.
Number two: Pause the conversation. Say something like "Whoa, hang on for a second"
or "I need a little break."
Number three: Try to calm yourself down. Take a few deep breaths
or remind yourself that it's going to be ok , you can work through this.
If tensions remain high for the moment, then ask for a break.
No here is the most essential part of asking for a break:
You need to commit to come back to the issue at a later time.
Avoidance does not solve problems, it tends to make things quite a bit worse.
And creates that feeling of detachment that we see so often in couples coming to marriage therapy
So an essential part of managing flooding is to make sure to come back to the issue when you're calm.
The next step: Take some time to self soothe.
Usually this involves something physical like taking a walk
Or doing a calming activity like playing basketball
or doing some woodworking, whatever it is for you.
But doing something physical can help the body process all those stress chemicals that were released during that situation.
And the last step is coming back to the problem from a calm perspective.
Now sometimes we're able to do that on our own, and sometime we need extra help.
so having a third party there like a therapist can help keep the conversation calm.
Or there's other techniques you can use, like slowing the conversation down
by writing it out on paper,
and passing the paper over to your partner, they write their response,
and they pass it back to you. That gives you a few second to
calmly think while processing the situation
instead of reacting too quickly.
We can also apply this information about flooding to our interactions with others.
So if we notice someone becoming defensive or irritable
we might recognize "Hey, this person is flooding and they aren't going to be able to think clearly."
We can interact with them in a better way by slowing things down.
Or giving them a chance to chance their breath or take a little break
Before engaging with them to solve whatever issue may be coming up.
As you work to manage your flooding response
The first thing you're going to want to do is be aware of what that flooding reaction looks like in you
And then take some time to write down a couple things that calm you down.
What can you do to self soothe in a situation that's stressful?
Write down a couple of things that you can do to take a break and calm down.
What works for you?
I hope this was helpful, thanks for watching and take care!