(audience applauding)
- But I do worry that I tell people
a bit too soon in any conversation
that I've got cats, I've got cats!
It's too soon, it's too soon.
(audience laughing)
I've got cats, that's lovely
and your account number is?
(audience laughing)
And that's because they're too bad at the moment
but I've often got big scratches on my arms
and I don't want anybody to ever misconstrue
what those scratches are.
I don't want anybody to ever leave my company
going, "She seemed really happy but did you see her arms?"
(audience laughing)
When truth be told, it's 'cause I cuddle them too tight
and the fuckers fight back.
(audience laughing)
But the first cat we got two years ago
a little ginger kitten, he's called Chief Brody
named after the police chief in "Jaws".
(audience laughing)
I was still living in the flat at the time
and I thought I'll let him have a wander around
get his bearings, have a bit of a sniff
a bit of an investigate
and he went around the back of the sofa
and I was quite surprised
because I had lived there for six years
and I'd never been round the back of the sofa.
(audience laughing)
And the Hoover certainly fuckin' hadn't.
(audience laughing)
And he came back around with what can only be described
as four big, grey, fluffy slippers on.
(audience laughing)
So I sent him back around to finish the job.
(audience laughing)
I don't know if you've ever tried to litter train a cat
it's normally quite straight-forward.
Whenever they look like they're about to do something
you pick them up
and you plonk them in the litter tray
you hope for the best.
But Chief Brody took a while to caught on
kept having little accidents, poor bugger.
And at one point, my fellow and I
was standing over the litter tray
just looking at each other going,
is there anything we could be doing to help him
that we're not already doing?
And my fellow, because he's so lovely
he looked down at the litter tray and he went,
"Do you want me to do a shit in it
to start him off?"
(audience laughing)
No.
(audience laughing)
No I really don't.
(audience laughing)
It would be end to end (chuckles).
(audience laughing)
And the cat would be like, "Who the fuck lives here, Aslan?"
(audience laughing)
But I have two friends who look after my cats
when I'm away from home.
One of them is an animal lover
one, not so much.
Give us a cheer if you consider yourself an animal lover.
(audience cheering)
Give us a cheer if you're not really bothered?
(audience cheering)
It's totally fine, it's totally fine.
My friend who is the animal lover
she looks after them because she loves them.
My friend who isn't the animal lover
she looks after them because she loves me.
It's very sweet.
So the friend who is the animal lover
when she looks after them, she'll take a photograph of them
to send to me
and underneath the photograph
it will say, "Hiya mam!"
Because they call me mam, it's not weird, fuck off.
(audience laughing)
And I know that we're close
'cause whenever I see them
they always need a shit.
(audience laughing)
It will say, "Hi mom, we miss you, we'll see you soon"
and it settles me.
Wherever I am in the country or the world
it settles me because I know that they're safe
and that they're happy.
My friend who isn't the animal lover
takes a picture just the same
but underneath her picture, it will say
"Here is the photograph you requested".
(audience laughing)
"They are still alive, I will check again tomorrow".
(audience laughing)
But they are house-cats, they don't go outside.
They will go outside at some point
but I'm sort of nervous.
I'm nervous, I'm nervous for their safety
but also I'm a little bit worried
about what they might bring back in with them.
I know this is a thing that cats do.
Have we got cat owners in tonight?
(audience cheering)
Quite a few of you, now I know that whatever they bring in
be it a mouse or a bird
if it's still alive, I'm gonna try to catch it
and put it back in the garden.
And if it's dead, I'm gonna put it in the outside bin.
That's fine, but what I don't know
is what I'm supposed to do
if whatever they bring in, is still a little bit
(audience laughing)
twitchy.
(audience laughing)
Has this happened to any of you?
- [Audience Members] Yes!
- Oh, nearly all of you, this is horrible.
Let's get some suggestions
what you think I should do.
Let's start at the top, so anybody in the top section
got a suggestion what I should do
with a half-dead animal, shout out!
- [Woman] Put a bucket over it.
- Put a bucket over it.
(audience laughing)
Have you done that love?
- [Woman] Yes.
- Yes, what animal was it?
- [Woman] A bird and a mouse and a rat.
- A bird and a mouse and a rat?
At the same time?
(audience laughing)
Like a tiny little rubbish zoo.
(audience laughing)
So are these all separate occasions?
- [Woman] Separate.
- Yes, and so you put the bucket over it until?
- [Woman] My husband came home.
(audience laughing)
- Until your husband came home.
(audience laughing)
We've got a feminist in girls.
(audience laughing)
And then what did he do?
- [Woman] Luckily they all died.
- Luckily they all died.
(audience laughing)
That is the best sentence I've heard in ages.
(audience laughing)
We should all start adding that onto the end
of all of our stories.
Luckily, they all died.
(audience laughing)
Good answer lady upstairs.
Anybody else in the next section down
have got a suggestion what I should do
with a half-dead animal?
- [Man] Hit it with a spade.
- Hit it with a spade.
(audience laughing)
He didn't even have to think of that did he?
Just hit it with a spade.
(audience laughing)
Hit it with a, is that, have you done that love?
- [Man] Yes.
- Yes.
(audience laughing)
Was it definitely an animal?
(audience laughing)
Haven't got a couple of ex-wives in your garden or anything?
(audience laughing)
Anybody else in that section?
- [Woman] CPR.
- CPR.
(audience laughing)
Oh, the rest of you feel like such shits now.
(audience laughing)
CPR, have you done that?
- [Woman] Yes.
- Yes, what animal was it love?
- [Woman] It was a cat.
- It was a cat?
(audience laughing)
Either option one, she has not understood the question.
(audience laughing)
Option two, her cat brought in another cat.
(audience laughing)
I'm gonna go with option two
'cause that feels awesome to me.
(audience laughing)
Anybody in the next section down
have got a suggestion what I should do
with a half-dead animal?
- [Man] Give it back to it
so it can finish it off.
(audience laughing)
- Give it back to the cat?
- [Man] Right.
- So it can finish it off.
And when you, okay, when you say, "Finish it off"
all right sorry, you mean eat it, okay, sorry, I wasn't.
(audience laughing)
(Sarah humming)
(audience laughing)
One tiny, final wank.
(audience laughing)
And a cat couldn't even do that
'cause they don't have that kind of hands.
It'd have to do it with it's paws.
(audience laughing)
You've just made me mime a cat
wanking off a mouse.
(audience laughing)
You dirty bastards.
(audience laughing)
So you mean give it back to the cat
so the cat can eat it.
I like that idea
because that feels like good parenting doesn't it?
'Cause it's like, finish your tea
or you're not playing out.
(audience laughing)
I like it, it's good.
Anybody else in that section?
- [Man] Put it on YouTube.
- Put it on YouTube?
(audience laughing)
Oh, we've got a young one in.
(audience laughing)
How old are you flower?
- [Man] 25.
- 25, get out, fuck off.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
Look around you love, you don't belong.
(audience laughing)
(Sarah chuckling)
That was so much fun, sorry.
(audience laughing)
Being rude to young people
you should try it, it's awesome.
(audience laughing)
Next level down, so are you the grand circle?
Is that what, you the grand circle?
There's a lady there like, "Yes, we're grand".
Okay, so the grand circle
anybody got a suggestion what I do
with a half-dead animal?
- [Woman] Bash it with a hammer.
- Bash it with a hammer.
(audience laughing)
Fuck where are you from, The Felin?
(audience laughing)
(Sarah laughing)
I love that there's a lady cheering
that I've just implied that she's from The Felin
because you're clearly from The Felin, yay!
(audience laughing)
We bash things with hammers!
(audience laughing)
(Sarah laughing)
Anybody else in that section?
- [Woman] Drop it over next door.
- Drop it over next door.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
Anything that stops you having to talk to your neighbours.
(audience laughing)
Good answer, thank you very much.
Anybody in the boxes or downstairs
got a suggestion?
- Put it in a cage- - Put it in a pie-
- and keep it as a pet. - while it's still fresh.
Hold on, hold on.
We're coming back to you.
(audience laughing)
Say that again love.
- [Man] Put it in a pie
because you know it's still fresh.
- Put it in a pie 'cause you know it's still fresh.
(audience laughing)
That's clearly all he's bothered about, is it fresh?
Yeah, well I'll eat it.
Doesn't matter what the fuck it is.
Have you done that?
- And with chips.
- So you've had chips with it as well, oh I see.
And what kind of animals have you put in pies?
- Nothing exciting, just a pigeon.
(audience laughing)
(Sarah laughing)
- Pussy pie is nice!
(audience laughing and cheering)
- Wowzers.
You actually went there didn't you?
He's doing that with his arm as well
like he's a fuckin' winner.
(audience laughing)
Something tells me by how mortified your girlfriend is
that you're not gonna get any of that for a while.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering and applauding)
(Sarah laughing)
So pie, and there was another one
at the back, shout it again.
- [Man] Put it in a cage
and keep it as a pet.
- Keep a half-dead animal as a pet?
(audience laughing)
Have you done that?
- It was fine, it came back to life alright.
- Oh, what animal was it?
- It was a vole.
(audience sporadically applauding)
(audience laughing)
Lady at the front is a big fan of fuckin' voles.
(audience laughing)
Finally, somebody mentions voles.
How long have I fuckin' been here
nearly half an hour.
(audience laughing)
Nobody's done any vole jokes yet.
(audience laughing)
And how long did it live?
- [Man] It lived for about a month
and then it escaped.
(audience laughing)
You know why it escaped?
'Cause it's a fuckin' wild animal.
(audience laughing)
It didn't escape, it went home.
(audience laughing)
Anybody else downstairs?
- [Man] Give it to the dog to chew on.
- Give it to the dog to chew on.
(audience jeering)
So I've got to get a dog now.
(audience laughing)
What do I do with the stuff the dog brings in?
Give it to your horse, fuckin' hell.
(audience laughing)
This is gonna get out of hand.
(audience laughing)
See I asked this question
when I was working in Australia last year
and I would occasionally shit myself
slightly forget I was in Australia
and when people would say things like, "Lizards"
I would think fucking lizards?
I didn't know this might happen.
Tiny dinosaurs, 'cause that's what they are.
(audience laughing)
One lady said, "My cat brings in half-dead lizards"
and I said, "What do you do?"
She said, "I take them to the vet
and then after a week I go back
and check up on them."
I said, "Well what happens when you go back
and check up on them?"
She said, "Well the vet always says
'I managed to revive them
and I've released them back into the wild'".
And I thought aw, bless your cotton socks
for fuckin' believing that love.
(audience laughing)
They must see her coming wouldn't they?
Oh fuck, it's Lizard woman again.
(audience laughing)
With her bag of half-lizards.
(audience laughing)
Expecting us to match them all up.
(audience laughing)
"Brenda look, that doesn't go
the pattern's different can you see?"
(audience laughing)
"Try that one."
"No, but I've seen that one somewhere before."
(audience laughing)
Another lady said that her cat brought in
a half-dead parrot.
I said, "What did you do with a half-dead parrot?"
She said, "I just put me fingers over it's nostrils
for a while."
(audience laughing)
Which is all very well
until the parrot realises it has a mouth.
(audience laughing)
(Sarah gasping)
Fuck that was close, that was close.
(audience laughing)
Then one really serious lady, very straight-faced
she said, "Drowned it".
(audience laughing)
I said, "What did you drown?"
She said, "It was a frog".
(audience laughing)
I love the idea of a frog going
"Oh no, don't put us in the water!"
(audience laughing)
"I hate the water!
That's my natural habitat, she's a fuckin' idiot.
Oh Lord!"
(audience laughing)
Well my sister said, "Are you gonna bury all the animals
your cats bring in, in the garden?"
And I said, "No, 'cause it's the first time
I've had a garden as an adult.
I'm not about to turn it into a pet cemetery."
(audience laughing)
Then I thought about it
and there is a plus side to this.
Think of how many Magnums I'd have to eat
for all of the little lolly stick crosses.
(audience laughing)
Hello, it's Sarah Millican here.
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