It's Black History Month.
It's the one month of the year
where we all get together and talk about race.
And how we pretty much fixed it.
But the social justice warriors will woke-splain to you
that this month is a time for me to learn something.
Listen and take a backseat.
It's not gonna happen.
I'm not taking a backseat.
I have to sit up front because I get motion sickness.
Moving forward makes me puke.
It's a very common ailment for people like me,
so riding shotgun with me is Kobi Libii.
Welcome, Kobi.
(cheering and applause)
Thank you, Jordan.
I'm here to bring attention
to an important cause out there, BLM.
Wait, are... are you talking about Black Lives Matter?
Oh, God no, I'm not some militant radical.
I'm talking about BLM:
Black lives? Manners.
Because, as we all know, there is an epidemic
of impoliteness in the black community.
And it could easily turn into a case of systemic rudeness.
The Black, the Black Lives Manners movement
has its roots in the Jim Crow era, where,
if you were impolite to white people
you were scolded... with murder.
And to make sure I'm up on the good etiquette, I check-in
with television's home for Black History Month, Fox News.
These guys just don't see race.... until they do,
and then immediately become an authority on it.
I should know, I went to Fox News finishing school.
So, like many black men in America, I'm virtually finished.
Isn't the mascot over there the "fighting status quos"?
Yes, indeed.
And all across Fox News, they're taking advantage of this month
to really listen...
to themselves telling black people how to act.
After the State of the Union,
Geraldo had some really helpful advice
for the congressional black caucus.
Everybody's parents teach them manners.
Manners are very simple.
How can you not cheer
if you're a member of the congressional black caucus
for historic low black and Latino unemployment?
-I mean. -TV REPORTER: Of course.
That's an applause line.
I-I don't care who says it.
Sure, he looks like
if Willy Wonka ran a tanning salon,
but he makes a great point.
If it's an applause line, you applaud.
So what if Donald Trump mildly supported
some tiki torch white nationalists.
He still said one nice thing in his speech.
Say Jack the Ripper gave
a "state of the serial killer" address, saying,
"sex worker wages are on the rise."
The women he left alive owe him a standing ovation.
That's just good manners.
-Yes, yes, yes, yes. -Right?
It is, it's all about manners.
But it doesn't stop there.
Let's jump over to Laura Ingraham,
Fox News' rich aunt at the picnic.
She saw that Congresswoman Maxine Waters
gave a response to Trump's speech,
and she just knew that she had to offer a helping hand.
Give us the angle, Ingraham.
BET featured a response to the State of the Union
-a day after the State of the Union. -Yeah.
Whenever he appears on TV,
there should be a disclaimer that says,
"This may not be acceptable for children."
First of all, was Maxine Waters--
did-did a child make the backdrop for that set?
-What was that? -(laughing)
Nothing says you're seriously engaging with someone's ideas
like criticizing their camera backdrop.
Yes, exactly.
And Laura is an expert on backdrops.
Her show really captured the feeling
of living inside a game of off-brand Tetris.
See Maxine's crime is she's no fun.
Black manners dictate that if you want to participate
in the public discourse, you need to be either fun,
or grateful, and, ideally, both.
Like pre-Scientology Will Smith.
Exactly, Jordan.
But if black people don't speak in a humble, accessible way,
the rest of America won't hear them.
Just listen to Greg Gutfeld.
If you look up "ally" in the Urban Dictionary,
you'll find Greg.
He's been laser-focused on the issue
of NFL players kneeling during the national anthem.
Now, everyone knows that started
as a protest against police brutality,
but Greg does a great job of also not knowing it.
The kneeling stuff was poorly articulated.
Nobody really knew what it meant.
It had-it had...
People had to keep repeating it over and over again,
and it became a question of patriotism,
not a question of brutality.
Yes, they had to say it so many times,
as if no one cared to listen.
And because players weren't being articulate,
the good people at Fox News had to grab the bullhorn
and tell protesters what they're really protesting.
(reading):
Kaepernick disrespects the national anthem.
Disrespect for the flag.
Disrespecting our anthem.
Disrespect our troops.
If you listen close, you can hear these commentators
beating us over the head with the idea of disrespect.
Where are the manners, protesters?
That's systemic rudeness.
Yes, these protests are just so disruptive
when all I'm trying to do is have a good time
not considering what they're about.
And you should be able to enjoy yourself.
The Black Lives Matter movement is all about
keeping black people alive,
while the Black Lives? Manners! movement is all about
keeping white people comfortable.
Because if you study American history,
you'll notice that white comfort
has always been more important than black lives.
And Fox News knows that.
So let's not rock the boat,
even if the boat is carrying slaves
on a horrifying journey to America.
-Well, I got... -(cheering and applause)
Kobi, I... I will say...
I certainly don't feel white comfortable right now.
Oh, don't worry, Jordan.
Black History Month is practically over already.
-February is basically a week. -(laughs)
So, you-you think we can have this whole race thing
-wrapped up by March? -Oh, yes.
Oh, and it's called White March, Jordan.
The month we focus on all the great white marches
that will no doubt be happening
-in response to Black History Month.