-Welcome back to the show, everybody.
I'm very excited -- -Excuse me.
-Sorry? -I'm here for my beating.
[ Laughter ] -What?
-I'm a moderate Democrat, and I'm here for my beating.
[ Laughter ]
My flagellation for my sins of having the thoughts
of a moderate Democrat. -I'm sorry, everyone.
This is one of my writers, Ben Warheit.
Ben, what are you talking about?
[ Cheers and applause ]
-I think you know what I'm talking about.
I'm a moderate Democrat. I have a problem.
I've been having thoughts that are only kind of progressive,
but not dramatically progressive.
[ Laughter ]
So I've come to confess my twisted thoughts
and receive my punishment for being a moderate.
That's right, a moderate,
the most hated, vile, indefensible,
and least sexually appealing of all political philosophies,
turned eunuch many years ago, having pulverized
my genitals on the grindstone of compromise!
[ Laughter ] -Are you done, Ben, 'cause I --
-I am a moderate Democrat, a man without family or a home,
a bad man, a sick man, and I need to be punished.
Now, come, Willem, and flail me upon the buttocks and the back
while I confess my sins.
[ Scattered applause ] Excuse me.
[ Laughter ]
Let us begin.
As a moderate Democrat, I think you sometimes need to listen
to those with whom you disagree.
[ Crack ] Aah!
[ Laughter ]
I think that incremental progress
is better than no progress. [ Crack ]
Uhh!
I think that Fox News is a pile of garbage,
but on any given day, I find MSNBC and CNN
to be just as insufferable.
[ Crack ] Uhh!
I still eat at Chick-fil-A. [ Crack ]
Uhh! -All right.
This is ridiculous, and I'm going to stop.
Ben, those aren't things anyone needs to apologize for.
-I haven't gotten to the hard stuff yet, okay?
[ Laughter ]
I think David Brooks makes good points now and again.
-You son of a bitch! [ Laughter ]
-I don't know, sometimes I read the articles,
and I think this makes sense. I don't know why this guy gets
so much hate. [ Crack ]
Uhh! -Hit him harder!
[ Crack ] You're sick!
-Oh, you think that's sick?
I saw the "Roseanne" reboot, and I thought it was kind of funny.
[ Crack ] Uhh!
[ Laughter ]
I also thought the "Will & Grace" reboot
was kind of funny.
-Wait, why does that apply here?
-It doesn't, but I still need to be punished for it.
[ Laughter ]
[ Crack ] -Okay.
Ben, are we done here now? -No!
I'm still Facebook friends with my Trump-supporting cousins.
[ Crack ] Uhh!
I think we're being too willy-nilly
with the term "alt-right."
[ Crack ] Uhh!
I believe most issues are complex.
[ Crack ] Aah! And have nuance.
[ Crack ] Uhh! And can't be reduced...
[ Crack ] ...to the size...
[ Crack ] ...of a tweet.
[ Crack ] Uhh!
Or a "Huffington Post" headline.
[ Crack ] [ Sobbing ] Ooh! Come on!
-Ben, Ben, Ben. Why are you doing this?
-Ugh, it's like a Jewish-Scottish guilt thing.
-Uh-huh. -Yeah.
You don't want to get mixed up in it.
-Yeah. -Actually, you might want to
step back a little bit because I don't think everyone's gonna
be onboard with this next one. -Okay.
[ Laughter ]
-As a white man... -Uh-oh.
[ Laughter ]
-As a white man, I understand that there are
certain words that I should never say.
But if I am at karaoke, and I'm doing a rap song,
I just think that I should be allowed to say like the --
[ Crack ] Okay. I think in the context
of the song, I think I should be allowed to sing the word --
[ Crack ] Okay. All right. Forget.
We're going to forget that one. -Yeah. Yeah.
-We're letting that one go. It's gone.
-Yeah. -Never mind.
-Yeah, I think that's for the best.
[ Crack ] -Aah. Hey.
All right, one more. [ Laughter ]
I think there's a good chance that the current focus
of most mainstream liberal news outlets is creating
more Trump supporters than it is converting minds
away from Trump, and I believe that diehard Trump supporters
love watching Democrats get worked up,
and so by getting outraged at every little single thing
Donald Trump does, we're only giving them what they want,
which is bad for us, and perhaps we should be more strategic
in deciding the sort of outcome we want from our news coverage!
[ Crack ] Aah!
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Groans ]
[ Cheers and applause continue ]
-I think you've had enough.
-Wait. I'm still excited for the new Kanye album.
[ Crack ] Aah!
[ Laughter ] -Is that it?
-That's it. -So where will you go now?
-Well, I have nowhere to go.
I have no friends left in the writers' room.
So I shall strip down to my nakedness,
walk the Earth, and wherever I go,
people will look at me, and they'll know what I am.
And they will say... [ Laughter ]
Shame. Shame! Shame!
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ] Because...
[ Cheers and applause continue ] I am a moderate Democrat.
-You know -- you know, Ben, I hate to
burst your bubble, but being whipped by a hooded man
in public is actually pretty progressive.
-It is? -Yeah.
-It's too late for me. Okay. Goodbye, everybody.
[ Laughter ]
-Shame! -Shame!
-Shame! Shame! Shame! Shame! Shame! Shame!
-Give it up for the moderate Democrat, everybody!
-Shame! Shame! Shame! Shame!
-We'll be right back with music from the Aces!