WELCOME, MY FRIENDS, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT
TONIGHT-- YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE ARE EXCITED BECAUSE
TONIGHT IS THE NICE!
IT'S SUPER TUESDAY, THE BIGGEST HAUL-- THE BIGGEST HAUL OF THE
PRIMARY SEASON WHERE TONIGHT THE LION'S SHARE OF THE DELEGATES
WERE AWARDED TO... SOMEONE I ASSUME.
BECAUSE AS WE TAPE THIS, THE RESULTS AREN'T IN YET.
BUT IT'S GOING TO TAKE MORE THAN COMPLETE IGNORANCE TO STOP ME
FROM TALKING ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF:
>> I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT.
>> I BEAT TRUMP!
>> MADE A LOT OF MONEY.
>> I'M GOING TO BEAT THIS MAN LIKE A DRUM.
>> BING, BING, BONG, BONG.
>> "FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE 2020: SUPER TUESDAY SENIOR
CITIZEN SELECTMAN DOWN.
IT ALL DEPENDS ON TONIGHT TO ENSURE VICTORY 2020.
>> I DROPPED OUT!
>> Stephen: WE WANT TO WELCOME OUR NEW SPONSORS.
THE BIG STORY COMING INTO TONIGHT WAS THAT THE MODERATES
ARE CONSOLIDATING BEHIND JOE BIDEN.
YES, THE MODERATES ARE CONSOLIDATING.
WE ARE REACHING EXTREME LEVELS OF CENTRISM!
( LAUGHTER )
FROM THE "LATE SHOW" POLIT-IT-GRAPH.
>> MEH.
>> Stephen: WITH EVERYBODY WHO'S DROPPED OUT OF THE RACE-- AND
THIS IS TRUE-- AT 11 YEARS OLD JOE BIDEN IS NOW THE YOUNGEST
MAN VYING FOR THE DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL NOMINATION.
KEEP IN MIND-- 77.
KEEP IN MIND THAT THE AVERAGE LIFE EXPECTANCY FOR MEN IS ABOUT
76.
ASK SO, IF ONE OF THESE DEMOCRATIC
MEN GETS ELECTED, YOU KNOW HIS FIRST YEAR IN OFFICE IS GOING TO
BE CHECKING OFF THE BUCKET LIST.
"MY FELLOW AMERICANS, IN MY FIRST 100 DAYS, I WILL LEARN TO
SURF.
I WILL BIKE A MOIK.
, AND I WILL MAKE OUT WITH ANGIE DICKENSON.
POLICE WOMAN, I LOVE YOU!
" LAST NIGHT, BIDEN RACKED UP TWO
BIG ENDORSEMENTS: FORMER SOUTH BEND MAYOR AND BUSINESS
PINOCCHIO, PETE BUTTIGIEG; ALONG WITH MINNESOTA SENATOR AND MOM
BEING SUPPORTIVE AFTER YOU BLEW THE DANCE RECITAL, AMY
KLOBUCHAR.
KLOBUCHAR TOOK THE STAGE AND ANNOUNCED HER SUPPORT FOR JOE.
>> TODAY, I AM ENDING MY CAMPAIGN AND ENDORSING JOE BIDEN
FOR PRESIDENT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TO END MY CAMPAIGN THAN JOINING HIS.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN'T THINK OF A BETTER WAY TO END YOUR
CAMPAIGN?
( LAUGHTER )
KLOBUCHAR WERE GOING TO ENDORSE BIDEN, BUT THEN THE VICE
PRESIDENT INTRODUCED A SURPRISE GUEST.
>> THERE'S ONE MORE PERSON I WANT TO THANK A, MAN WHO
ELECTRIFIED THIS STATE AND NATION.
ONE OF THE MOST INCREDIBLE RUNS FOR THE UNITED STATES SENATE
WE HAVE EVER SEEN, HERE IN THIS STATE AND WHO DEMONSTRATED
ENORMOUS COMPASSION AND COURAGE IN THE WAKE OF THE SHOOTING AT
EL PASO, A MAN WITH AN UNLIMITED FUTURE, A MAN WHO WILL BE
CHANGING THIS NATION FOR THE BETTER FOR MANY YEARS TO COME.
LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, BETO O'ROURKE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TOO?
THIS IS LIKE A REUNION OF "FRIENDS" IF SOME OF THE FRIENDS
WERE GONE LONGER THAN OTHERS AND NONE OF THEM WERE FRIENDS.
BY THROWING IN WITH BIDEN, BETO, AMY, AND PETE, THEY'RE AGING TO
SLOW BERNIE SANDERS.
>> GOOD LUCK WITH THAT BECAUSE YOU'LL NEED IT.
I MOVE AT ONE SPEED ONLY-- DETERMINED LUNCH.
I LEAN IN.
I'M LIKE A GLACIER IN LOW GEAR."
IN RESPONSE, LAST NIGHT, SANDERS HELD A RALLY IN AMY KLOBUCHAR'S
HOME STATE OF MINNESOTA AND WELCOMED THEIR SUPPORTERS TO HIS
CAMPAIGN.
>> TO ALL OF AMY AND PETE'S MILLIONS OF SUPPORTERS, THE DOOR
IS OPEN.
COME ON IN.
>> Stephen: (AS BERNIE) "BUT ONCE YOU'RE INSIDE, CLOSE
THE DAMN DOOR!
YOU'RE LETTING THE HEAT OUT.
WHAT, DO YOU THINK WE'RE MADE OF MONEY?
ROLL UP A TOWEL AND SHOVE IT IN THE BOTTOM."
TRUMP ALSO HELD A RALLY LAST NIGHT.
HE WAS IN SUPER TUESDAY STATE NORTH CAROLINA, AND HE
PANDERED IN A REALLY WEIRD WAY.
>> YOU KNOW ERIC AND LARA NAMED THEIR DAUGHTER.
YOU KNOW WHAT HER NAME IS?
CAROLINA.
CAROLINA, HER NAME IS CAROLINA FOR A
REASON.
( LAUGHTER )
ARE HIS GRANDKIDS NAMED AFTER THINGS HE NEEDS TO WIN
REELECTION?
( LAUGHTER ) ( AS TRUMP )
"THESE ARE MY GRANDDAUGHTERS, CAROLINA AND PENNSYLVANIA.
THOSE ARE MY GRANDSONS, VOTER SUPPRESSION, RUST BELT COAL
MINER WHO VOTES AGAINST HIS ECONOMIC SELF-INTEREST, AND
OF COURSE, AND OF COURSE, LITTLE KU KLUX KENNY."
I LOVE YOU.
TAKES AFTER HIS GRANDPA.
SPEAKING OF THE CORONAVIRUS, IT HAS NOW BEEN FOUND IN AT LEAST
15 STATES.
YESTERDAY, TRUMP MET WITH TOP EXECS FROM BIG PHARMA TO SHOW
HE'S ON TOP OF THE CRISIS.
>> WE HAVE NOBODY IN THIS COUNTRY VACCINATED FOR
CORONAVIRUS RIGHT NOW.
SO THAT IF IT-- >> THE SAME VACCINE COULD NOT
WORK.
YOU TAKE A SOLID FLU VACCINE, YOU DON'T THINK THAT WOULD HAVE
AN IMPACT OR MUCH OF AN IMPACT ON CORONA?
>> NO.
>> PROBABLY NONE.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "SO A REGULAR-- A REGULAR FLU
VACCINE WON'T WORK?
HUH, WEIRD.
WHAT ABOUT A SOLID FLU VACCINE?
I'M TALKING TOP-SHELF, ADMIRAL CLASS.
NOW, WHAT ABOUT CIRCLE DOT COOTIE SHOT?
WHAT ABOUT THAT?
ALL RIGHT.
HOW ABOUT THIS I GOT-- NO, QUIET.
HOW ABOUT THIS?
A BOX OF BAND-AIDS.
I'M TALKING THE GOOD ONES.
'FROZEN 2,' ALL ELSA.
THROW AWAY THE ANNAS.
THEY DON'T WORK, OKAY.
TRY IT?
WILL YOU TRY IT?" THE PROBLEM IS, WE HAVE NO IDEA
HOW FAR CORONAVIRUS HAS ACTUALLY SPREAD IN THE UNITED STATES.
AS OF LAST WEEK, THE C.D.C. HAD TESTED JUST UNDER 500 AMERICANS
WITH SUSPECTED INFECTIONS.
OTHER NATIONS HAVE TESTED PATIENTS BY TENS OF THOUSANDS.
CHINA HAS PROBABLY TESTED MILLIONS.
WE'RE SO FAR BEHIND OTHER NATIONS, IT'S EMBARRASSING.
WE'RE LIKE THE FRIEND WHO JUST NOW IS SAYING, "GUYS, I STARTED
THIS SHOW CALLED 'GAME OF THRONES.'
I THINK IT'S GONNA CATCH ON.
I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE WHO WINS THE THRONE GAME.
I BET IT'S NED STARK.
I'M ON EPISODE ONE."
OF COURSE, THERE ARE PLENTY OF WAYS YOU CAN STAY SAFE FROM
CORONAVIRUS, LIKE HANDWASHING.
EXPERTS SAY YOU HAVE TO SCRUB FOR A MINIMUM OF 20 SECONDS.
THAT'S A LOT OF TIME.
THAT'S TIME I COULD BE SPENDING WITH MY FAMILY...
SPREADING THE CORONAVIRUS.
( LAUGHTER )
EXPERTS HAVE SUGGESTED HUMMING A SONG THAT'S ABOUT 20 SECONDS
LONG.
THEY SAY THAT 20 SECONDS IS ABOUT THE EQUIVALENT OF SINGING
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY" TWICE.
BUT ANY 20-SECOND REFRAIN WORKS.
SO FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE ALREADY SICK AND DON'T WANT TO
SPREAD IT TO OTHERS, I RECOMMEND:
(SINGING TO "HOT BLOODED") ♪ HOT BLOODED
CHECK IT AND SEE ♪ I GOT A FEVER OF 103
COME ON, BABY, DO YOU DO MORE THAN DANCE?
♪ HOT-BLOODED, HOT BLOODED ♪ VERY SICK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OR--
OR, AT THE VERY LEAST, HOW ABOUT (SINGING TO "MY SHARONA")
♪ MUH-MUH-MUH VIRUS ♪
THANK YOU.
>> Jon: THAT WAS A NICE ONE.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THE MAIN REASON FOR HANDWASHING IS THAT YOU DON'T WANT GERMS
REACHING YOUR FACE ZONE, WHICH IS WHY EXPERTS KEEP SAYING THIS:
>> KEEP YOUR FINGERTIPS AWAY FROM YOUR EYES.
>> TOUCH YOUR FACE LESS.
>> DON'T TOUCH YOUR EYES OR YOUR FACE WITH YOUR HANDS.
>> DON'T TOUCH YOUR FACE.
>> Stephen: DON'T TOUCH YOUR FACE.
NO!
DON'T TOUCH YOUR FACE!
NO!
BACK, BACK.
OF!
ED ABOUT GOOD AND LATER I'LL LET YOU TOUCH SOMETHING NICE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE VIRUS FROM SPREADING IS TO JUST SHUT THINGS DOWN.
FOR EXAMPLE, TWO NEW YORK SCHOOLS CLOSED TODAY OVER
CORONAVIRUS FEARS.
THE SAR ACADEMY AND SAR HIGH SCHOOL.
OOOH, SO CLOSE TO THE WORD "SARS."
( LAUGHTER )
THIS IRONIC SINCE THE CLOSURE OF HERPE HIGH.
( LAUGHTER )
TONIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
PLEASE JOIN US.